Thank you. Thank you. Erm, first of all, I’d like to thank my co-stars the marvellous Leonardo DiCaprio… Hi, babe. …and um, the gorgeous Brad Pitt who are absolutely wonderful!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, I’m Ch… uh… I’d like to thank the director for casting me as the new James Bond and I’ve got to say I’m looking forward to the sequel where I get a chance to snug Britney Spears. Thank you very much. (blows a kiss)
To be honest, I was a bit worried about the shower scenes, but Mr. Spielberg shot them in the best possible taste. Thank you, Steven. This is for you. (blows a kiss)
Hey. Hey. Um… Yeah. I just want to say it’s brilliant to receive this award for best ballsy blown with a spanner in an action movie and, um, yeah. I’m chuffed to bits. Thanks a lot. Cheers.
It was a great honor for me as an English actor to be asked to play the role of the young John F. Kennedy. I thank you all and the academy. Thank you.
TinaMy commiserations go to the other nominees Gwyneth Paltrow, Julia Roberts who just weren’t quite good enough to win. (blows a kiss)
I’d like to say a big thank you to the American academy for this award for best actor ever, in everything. (clears throats) And I’d also like to say that I’m going to share it with the rest of S Club 7, but I’m not going to. Na-na-na-na-na!
Hey, Paul, that was really mean.
Yeah. Not sharing the Oscar with us.
HBHannah and Bradley
Yeah.
Oh, come on! You got one. Each didn’t…
Tina
Yeah, but…
Don’t you see what’s happening? We’re not the Oscars in Hollywood. We’re all having the same dream again.
So we haven’t won any awards then.
Tina
And we’re not famous.
We’re just stranded in the middle of the desert.
Come on. Let’s get going.
Tina
Why does America have to be so big?
Because it’s got 260 million people in it.
Oh. So where are they all?
It’s got about many people you’re thinking they have a few more loose.
Paul, what are you doing?
Look. (pointing to the sign saying Loo in British)
‘Scuse me. Can I use your loo please?
CCowboy
You don’t have to use it, but the next bathroom’s about 300 miles down the road.
Here, 10. Is that enough?
CCowboy
I’m sorry, but I gotta make a living out here. There’s nothing else to do. Make it $20.
Guys, can you help me out? Please, please unburst him! Guys, I’ll pay you back. I’ll be your friend.
Hannah, you are our friend.
I’ll be even more of a friend. I’ll do anything. I’ll make you cups of teas in the mornings.
And make us toast to marmite.
And tidy our veggies for us.
CCowboy
So you’re all going to Hollywood to act in the movies.
Yeah. Well, maybe if we get lucky.
CCowboy
I don’t like acting. Don’t seem real to me.
Well, actually, we’re in a band. We’re hoping to get some work in a club and maybe get a record deal.
CCowboy
You mean you sing songs?
Tina
We try.
CCowboy
I don’t like songs. I like the music of the desert. Rattlesnake rattling across the sand. Sound of a bats’ swing squeaking in the night air. Gopher sitting on a flat top rock, breaking wind in the key of B-flat minor.
CCowboy
That’s Nature’s music.
Tina
Somehow, um, I don’t think that’ll get in the charts.
CCowboy
You want to make money? Get out of pop music. Get into bathrooms. I got a chain of bathrooms across every desert in this country. Arizona, Texas, Utah. Not everybody wants to listen to music, but everybody sure wants to take a whiz.
It’s a good thought, actually.
What is taking her so long?
That’s better. Come on then! What are you waiting for?
Okay, guys. Well, you better enjoy this cos this could be our last meal for some time.
Tina, what are you doing?
Tina
Hannah, we spent all that money on emptying your bladder. We’re not about to spend anymore on filling it.
JJJon, Jo, Hannah and Tina
What?
Ridgeback Woods is near here.
I’m sorry. Are we supposed to be impressed by that?
Yeah. Because my parents talk about Ridgeback Woods all the time. I’ve got relatives that live there. My great uncle’s cousin’s brother twice removed. He lives there.
Tina
Maybe we should stop by and see if any of your relatives are still there.
I fair of way, Tina. You’re interested in my relatives.
Tina
I was thinking, uh, maybe we can borrow some money off them.
Tina
Sorry.
Well, they say that some actors were given a camera and sent out into the woods to make this movie, but some people who disappeared in the woods while making a movie.
Sounds like it’s been done before.
Then when the lights start to fade, that’s when the weird noises started to happen.
(hiccups) Oh. Sorry. Fizzy lemonade.
Anyhow, they go out of the woods and they started to make this film. Well, pretty soon, they got lost in the night. That’s when the weird things started happening. (He imagines the man walked in the woods and got lost in the night) First, one of them disappears. (He imagines one of them disappears as the man says “I’m so scared.”) Then they all disappear. (He imagines that they all disappear and the man says “There you are.”) The only thing that was left was the tapes from the film that they were making, and the tapes from the other film that the other people were making when they disappeared.
Tina
So they disappeared up their own film.
Nobody knows. But there’s this website where you can read all about it. At least there was a website.
Don’t tell me and that’s disappeared as well.
Well, I still want to go and see if my relatives are still living there.
If they are still there, I’m pretty sure they won’t be living.
Tina
Paul, are you sure you know where you’re going?
Yeah. We’ve just gotta turn left again.
Tina
We just turn left again.
We turn left again and then we turn left again.
Paul, I think that’s one more again than we should have turned.
Look, don’t worry. All right?
Tina
Is this it then?
Paul, if this is where your relatives lived, they must’ve been trees.
Right, this is very interesting. Now let’s go.
There is a small problem.
Tina
How can you run out of petrol, you complete muffin?
You realize that if you don’t put the petrol in the car, it stops.
All right. It’s not my fault. I forgot to look at the gauge.
So what are we gonna do now?
It’s run out of petrol, Bradley. How can I fix that?
I don’t know. Maybe you could, um, change engine up a little bit and make it run on some word or some leaves or… (slaps himself) or some mashed-up mosquitoes.
Bradley, why don’t you ever talk any sense?
Next to you to suggest that we dig for oil and turn that into petrol and put that in the car.
You’re right. That’s ridiculous.
How are we gonna dig without a shovel?
Look, guys. There’s only one thing for us to do. Some of us are gonna go and look for some petrol while the other guys stay here.
Well, I think Paul should go.
Because you’re the one that forgot to look at the petrol gauge.
But Jo forgot to look at the petrol gauge as well, so why doesn’t she go?
Cos I weren’t driving, you hoof. What about Rachel?
Cos you get spooked easily. This might help you get over it.
What are you saying me for?
Because no one’s mentioned your name yet.
I could even see you mentioned that.
Yeah, but you just sit there all the time, right.
Tina
(screams then calms down) Now listen. We’ve got to decide what to do. Now, what are our choices?
Oh, yes. Our choices. Well, our choices are either we can sit here in the spooky woods for hours and die or we can go for a walk in the spooky woods for hours and die.
Not really, um, much of a choice there, Rach. That’s kind of like saying “Should we sit here and wait for big monster to come and bite our arm off, or make a monster walk for a little bit…and then let him bite your arm off?”
I’ll make it walk, definitely.
Yeah, but it’ll probably work up more of an appetite and end up eating your other arm as well.
That is a good point. Stay here definitely.
Well, I’m gonna look for some petrol. So who’s coming with me?
Tina
So, do you know where we’re going?
Uh, yeah. North. We’re going north.
Because south east and west in the wrong direction.
Tina
Just don’t get us lost, that’s all.
Since when have I ever got you lost?
Tina
Since every time you’ve ever tried to find your way. Anywhere?
Tina
The thing is not to be scared. Right. How do you do that?
Right. Well, you just got to think logically because it’s only dark. All darkness is is an absence of light and it can’t hurt you.
That’s good. I like that.
You see, all dark is doing is stopping you from seeing things.
You mean it’s stopping you from seeing nasty things that can hurt you.
Tina
That’s not so good. I don’t like that.
Um. Should we start again? You see, all darkness is is an absence of light.
Tina
I just think we were lost in the woods.
RPRachel and Paul
So did I.
(screaming) I just think we were lost in the woods!
JJJo, Jon and Bradley
So did I.
AAll
We were lost in the woods!
Tina
It’s just nothing.
Nothing doesn’t make a noise like that.
Tina
Maybe it’s something then.
Yeah, but what sort of something?
Tina
A mouse with big clumpy boots on?
Paul. Paul, go and see what it is.
Jon, can I see what it is?
Tina
It’s getting nearer.
Hey there. Thought I’d come to see how you’re getting on.
Tina
Goodness.
The monsters have got him. I know it.
Tina
Monsters don’t exist.
The monster that doesn’t exist got him.
Tina
Oh, no. Poor Bradley.
(calling) Bradley! Bradley!
Oh, guys! Is that monster gone yet?
Oh. I got some good news for you, guys. I found some petrol.
I thought if I want to be a counsellor. I just think they’re great at solving up in problems.
Bradley, it’s not that kind of counsellor. It’s just there were for the people who look after the foods at summer camp. It’s like being red coat at Butlins.
Yeah, but without the red coat.
Oh, that’s the shame. But he’s really looking good on me at the moment.
Tina
Gotta be worth a phone call.
Yeah, absolutely. Has anyone got a quarter?
(reading) Camp Elysium. Proprietor: Blair Beazley, Ph.D. “Cogito Ergo Sum.”
Blimey, you can say that again, mate.
No, I don’t think I can actually.
Tina
Roughly translated. He who pops first, pops loudest.
I thought I recognized it from somewhere.
Tina
I’m sorry, but in what possible is this? A camp?
Or the cow pats? Well, you can’t have a campsite without cow pats. It’d be like having a cheese and pickle sandwich right the pickles.
Tina
Or the cheese.
Well, maybe they have a different idea of what camping is here.
I don’t know about you, but when I went away with the 27th flourish of sea scouts, well, we didn’t quite feel the need to bring our own library.
Tina
It looks more like a university than a kids camp.
This Beazley about? He does know we are, right? I mean he’s not expecting proper teachers or anything.
No, no, no. Of course not.
Tina
You didn’t perchance spin him that old yarn about you being at school of Prince William, did you?
Don’t worry, Teen. He only uses that line on girls.
I reckon Paul used that line so often. He almost believes it himself.
No, I don’t! Now look. Just go and fetch my case from the car, you nasty little commoner.
Maybe we should think about this for a moment. This place feels really weird.
Rachel, Professor Beazley is offering us 300 a week plus bored.
Didn’t I say “I love weird?”
JJennifer
In the hall waiting for the lectures to begin.
JJennifer
Uh-huh. This morning, we’re doing dark matter and wormholes.
JJennifer
No. Astrophysics.
Well, don’t let us keep you. We wouldn’t want you missing the start of your lecture.
JJennifer
Not very likely seeing how we’re the ones giving it.
AAlbert
Welcome to clever camp.
All right. I admit it. I may have slightly exaggerated the order educational achievement, but I was only saying what we wanted to hear.
Tina
Yeah, but Oxford?
All I said is that we’ve been to Oxford which we have.
Only for one night, when we played at my niece Anna’s birthday party.
Did I say that would graduate it?
Yes, but now we have to play a concert of classical music!
Forget soaking. Drowning!
Look, look. I can explain!
Look, we could try and bluff it. You know, improvise.
Tina
Improvise? You can’t improvise with classical music. It got rules.
Beazley made the performances part of the deal. No performance, no check.
Tina
On the other hand, rules were made to be broken.
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
