Okay. Let’s do it then, yeah?
You’re moving closer so I can see your face.
(sighs annoyingly) Bradley!
Paul, no one wants to see your handwriting, alright? If we’re gonna make a doc soap, they wanna see a character. A star. A geezer, and luckily, I’m available.
Brad, just drop the card.
(He starts filming around closer to Hannah who is busy watching something on TV)
Hannah Spearritt, famous singer and actress from the UK. What she lacks in inches, she makes up for her in talent. So, Hannah, tell us. How does it feel being complete nobody in the UK and completely unknown in the US?
The name’s McIntosh. Bradley McIntosh. License to kill and to thrill the ladies.
Bradley, I’ll come back to you when I’m desperate.
So you say “He’s rich. He’s handsome and he’s a great kisser.” Rachel, I already don’t see what your problem is.
Well, I kind of may have sort of told him that I was a member of the British royal family.
Paul, we’re trying to have a private conversation here.
Just treat me like I’m not here.
That’d be easier when you’re gone.
Jo, who’s happy-go-lucky exterior masks a violent personality?
Oh. Ooh! Oh, look. You think some people will be grateful to have a documentary made about them?
Paul, you’ve been making this documentary for the past 3 weeks. It was quite funny at first.
No. That’s just irritating.
I know, I know. But I’ve only got 400 hours of footage and most of that has Bradley in it.
Well, go film something else then.
Yeah. Jon’s in the bath. Go film in.
WOWoman on TV
Why do you think this guy killed you?
Okay, I’m off to Muscle Beach.
It’s the first day of my job down there.
WOWoman on TV
She was pushed!
I’m teaching a class called dance yourself fit.
Then later, I plan to be abducted by aliens, and dissected.
You don’t care, do you? You don’t give a part that I’m the only one in this apartment with a proper job.
WOWoman on TV
Let me get you something…
I’m sorry, Tina. It’s just difficult to give a part about anything when Troy’s about to leave his wife and seven adorable baby daughters, and run off with his secretary, or possibly his mother.
(Off-screen) Paul, GET OUT NOW!
Honestly! Some people just don’t deserve to be in this business we call show. (sitting down next to Hannah) Eh?
5, 6, 7, 8, reach! We’ll change. Tap, tap, kick! Stamp, stamp, stamp, stamp, reach, reach! Dig, dig! And turn, and punch, punch, punch! Click, click, click! Together, over the head. Click, click, click, click, click. Come on and reach! Click, click, click! Together, over your head! (She stops and turns off the music) Okay, that’s it, everyone. And I can honestly say I’ve never seen a group of people with so much room for improvement.
Hey! Come on, you guys! Who wants to work out with me? (She starts jogging on the spot then stops) Wimps.
You should be careful for checking you’re strong.
Mmm. I’m Tina, but you have to take my word for it.
Okay. That was quite a class. You ever kill anybody?
(chuckles) Well, I’m beat and hungry. Wanna grab a bite?
I couldn’t eat another thing.
Oh, one more, Jo, and this time, could you just chew a bit more quizzically?
Careful! This is a highly sophisticated piece of equipment. I call it my steady Eddie for recording on telly.
And I call it a plank of wood, the camera set a tape to it.
So, Tina’s having lunch with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
With a guy she met down Muscle Beach. She said she was lovely and she’s gonna get the photos to prove it.
See, I think that’s all unnatural all the exercise.
Bradley, you think pushing a carpet sweep is unnatural.
Yeah, but it’s not gonna make you look any more attractive to look like you got dozens of ferrets crawling around and your skin. Does it, Han?
No! No, no. Of course not. We don’t fancy Muslim men, do we, Jo?
Strike a pose! How do you do?
And now we hear the mating cry of the single desperate female on heat.
Did you get the photos developed?
No. He’s lovely. I think he’s the best looking bloke I’ve ever been on the date with.
It’s not exactly stiff competition, Tina. Your last one looked like the model for gargoyles.
Shut it. He’s blonde. He’s got blue eyes and the best teeth since Tom Cruise had his teeth fixed, and he kissed me.
Just a back on my lip but it was a passionate back, and he wants to see me again tonight.
Jo, can I have a sip of your water?
Ooh…! (Tina notices Bradley making the sound of it) Sorry, I wasn’t concentrating.
Jon, can you just find a spot and lie on it?
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, it’s not as simple as that. We have to find the optimum spot for the best tan. Aha! I think we’ve hit the mother-load.
I think you’ve already had too much sun.
Okay. So we’re all set for the perfect sunbathe.
There’s just one ingredient missing.
RJRachel and Jon
Ice-cream.
Hi, um. Can I have a non-fat neutral sweetness frozen tofu bar please?
ICIce-cream Man
Sure. The mango, the cranberry, the kiwi, the banana, the orange, the coconut, grapefruit. the pomegranate.
Um, kiwi please. No, no, no. Orange. No, cranberry. No, mango! Oh, I don’t know!
(to the Ice-cream Man) That’s an information overload, you idiot. You can’t take that! Come here, Rach. It’s alright.
Hey, did you move my towel cos I wanted to go there?
Sorry, man. I need those rays and my light meter said “This is the place.”
Yeah, but that was my towel, and this being a beach international beach law applies… to wit. That towel had my power of attorney while I was away purchasing an ice-cream and was exercising my entirely fair and appropriate prior claim to that spot.
You’re from out of town, aren’t you? Well, around here, a towel cannot act as a marker, unless said marker status has been agreed upon by all parties involved prior to the towel being applied to the sand.
Oh, come on. Where’d you get that load of old part from?
From the guy moved my towel last week about 3 seconds before I kicked his butt.
Yeah? Well, you better watch out or maybe Jon will kick YOUR butt.
Yeah! Rachel, are you insane? Have you seen the size of him? I couldn’t even reach his butt.
Now, if you don’t move your towel and you’re incredibly muscly, shiny and yummy body immediately, you are gonna be in a serious amount of trouble, young man.
Heh. You know what? I think I’m burning. There is such a thing as too much sun, you know.
Jon may look really small and weedy, but I can assure you. He is fully trained in all British martial arts. So if you don’t want to wear those teeth as a necklace shift.
Okay. That’s it. We are gonna settle this like men.
Yep. But not here. There are women and children present. Tomorrow 5pm Muscle Beach, we arm wrestle for this spot.
And, um, will you be using a normal arm, or, or that?
Too right we are. He’ll be there, and he’s gonna wipe the floor with you and then do the windows.
Uh-oh. I’ve made a big mistake.
I should’ve had the coconut.
PDPizza Delivery Lady
Extra-large, extra thick crust with everything on it.
PDPizza Delivery Lady
Uh-huh.
PDPizza Delivery Lady
Enjoy your meal.
Cheers. Oh, and, (giving her a dollars) There you go. Ah.
So, I just told him that I wasn’t gonna be intimidated by him. You know, cos he’d forgive in 2 thugs and bullies then we’re society, and I warned him. I told him if he kept on pushing me, then there’d be consequences. So I just stood up to him and he walked away.
But not before he challenged Jon to a big arm wrestling contest tomorrow which Jon accepted.
That is so brave, or is it just stupid?
(holding the camera) Jon, man on the brink.
No, but you didn’t really sell that stuff, did ya?
No, and tomorrow I’m a dead man.
No you’re not. You just need a little bit of training, you know.
Bradley, it takes months to train somebody.
It takes months to train a whole body. We just need to train your arm. You know, put it on some weights, put on special diet. Does the rest of me have to be present because…
That sounds really boring.
No, no, no, no, no. Th-This is it. I have finally found the subject of my movie. The story of one man facing insurmountable odds, facing injustice or I feel an Emmy coming on.
Well, get in the bathroom then, you hedge-pig.
It will be a moving and gripping documentary and a fitting posthumous tribute to Jon.
Oh, don’t say that. I think he’s really got a good shot.
Rachel, you’ve got more chance of arm wrestling that guy into submission than I have.
What are you trying to say?
Look, I’ve said I’m gonna be that so I will. I’ve got to show up on Muscle Beach at 5 o’clock tomorrow and ask for… What's his name?
JTJo, Tina and Hannah
Ryan?
Use your arm part. Use your arms. Get your back straight.
Jon’s getting really strong, you know. Last night, I saw him open the ketchup bottle all by himself.
Actually, I started that for him.
Well, I really think he stands a chance, I mean I know Ryan’s big in everything but he’s stupid. No offense, Tina.
He’s not stupid. He’s lovely. If only hadn’t had that dumb argument with Jon and Jon hadn’t accepted the stupid challenge. Just doesn’t seem like him.
Hmm. He is a bit out of character. You’re right.
It’s their hormones. Guys are programmed to behave like that. I’ve read it in just 17. They get all insecure when they think another guy’s invading their own territory. They’re like big monkeys.
Yeah. All snug in their tree until another monkey comes along then they get nervous for their bananas.
Yeah. I mean that other big ol’ monkey probably already has bananas of his own, but that doesn’t stop them feeling threatened.
So I’m dating a big monkey.
Erm. Yeah. But a nice monkey. Your one’s the king of the swingers.
Hey guys, can we remember who we’re rooting for in this contest?
That’s it, man. That’s… You’re out of breath.
What odds are they offering on Ryan?
It is the night before Jon’s day of reckoning. You could even call it the eve of reckoning, and Jon is… What are you doing, Jon?
I’m making out my will while I still have arm to write with. Do you want my Olivia Newton John CDs?
The pressure of the coming day has clearly driven Jon insane.
Jon, you can do it, bro. You’ve been trained by the best.
That’s funny. I thought you trained him.
Shut up! You can do it, Jon. Just repeat after me. I will demolish Ryan!
I will demolish Ryan! I will! Yeah!
BPBradley and Paul
Yeah! Yeah!
Good attitude! Now, if you don’t make it however, could I have your CD player?
Guys, I’ve got to win this competition. If I don’t, I’m gonna be the laughingstock of Venice Beach. I won’t be able to walk down the street without someone laughing or pointing and saying “Hey, look. There goes the guy with a weak arm.”
(closes the camera) At least you’ll be famous for something.
Really? You can teach me to tap dance. Cool.
Aw, Tina, you are so great. Are all English girls like you?
No. I’m the only good one.
Ryan, I’ve got a favor to ask you.
Well, it turns out you had a slight disagreement on the beach earlier…with someone who happens to be a good friend of mine. And, well… There’s no way he’s gonna beat you in an arm wrestling contest without a gun. And since he doesn’t have one, can you call off the contest?
Oh, Tina, I wish you would’ve asked me this earlier. I-I can’t do it.
But you’ve got to! Jon’s allergic to pain.
I-I told everyone about it all the guys at the gym are gonna be there. If I back out now, they’ll think I’m chicken. I’m sorry, Tina. I can’t call off the contest.
Well, in that case, I can’t go out with you anymore. (She leaves)
Yeah, look at them. Animals baying for blood turning up just cos they want to see a bit of pain and suffering. (to the woman) Amish! You’re in my seat.
ZZak
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Muscle Beach, and to the match, they’re already calling The Clash of the Titans.
Look, I’m a dead man! He’s gonna kill me!
Hey, Jon, you’re a peak physical form! You can do it! I know you can do it! Plus, get your high energy drink.
I wonder if the bet is still open on Ryan.
