King of the Hill quotes

Dale Gribble

My gerbil screwed me!

I live in a shack, I poop in an outhouse, I eat what I kill.

Hank Hill

There isn't a Mrs. Chappy, is there Chappy?

Bobby

Well, works for me; say is "the cocoa".

If our young bucks are ready our young bulls are, too, it's gonna get crazy out there every cow for himself, don't tie up anything with two legs, then go, Oh, hey!

Luanne Platter

(sighs) Mr. Strickland's wife is beautiful.

Hank Hill

That's NOT his wife. That's Debbie from work. 'Pretty girl like that should have been able to get a date.

Hank Hill

The "S" stands for service. The "T" is for trust. (Mr. Strickland and Debbie make out) "R" is for reliability. (doors are heard opening and closing) Now the "I", that stands for...

Hank Hill

No, heh, heh. It's for integrity. That's not even the right letter.

Now, now Miz Liz. We're in public.

YOU ARE IN PUBLIC WITH THIS LITTLE BIMBO... IN FRONT OF HALF OUR CHRISTMAS CARD LIST! (notices Debbie's earrings) Are those my mother's earrings?!

Hank Hill

"C" is for compassion....

I WANT YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE!!

But Miz L...

AND OUT OF THE LAKE HOUSE!!

The lake house?

Please forgive me for stealing your thunder Hank. Please continue.

Hank Hill

Okay now, where was I?

"D" for done.

Bobby Hill

Dad! Dad, the police are lookin' for you!

Hank Hill

(whispering to himself) Oh, god! Debbie's hippie roommate turned me in for smokin' narcotics!

Peggy Hill

Haaaank!

No coincidence. I like to hump, I like to eat, and I don't like to drive.

Hank Hill

I am inducing vomiting!

Bobby Hill

I said good day, Sheriff!

Hank Hill

How long does it take Debbie to throw in a load of laundry? I really need to talk to her.

She should be right up. Debbie said you were gonna... HEYYYY!

Hank Hill

No, we were not. It was a trick.

Is $300 too much for a Hot Wheels VW Purple Evil Weevil?

Hank Hill

(sighs) Yeah, I could use one too.

Damn, the ebay auction closed. I lost my weevil.

Hank Hill

Dang it. Could I get a light off yours? Huh, that's a funny looking cigarette. You roll it yourself?

Yeah.

Hank Hill

You got a weak flame on this thing. (Hank breathes it and coughs) This isn't one of them clove cigarettes, is it?

No man. That's the chronic, from Mexico.

Hank Hill

Huh, damn NAFTA. It's clearly an inferior tobacco.

So, does your wife party too?

Hank Hill

Party? Uh, we throw a party for Fourth of July and Labor Day.

No, I mean party, you know. Get high. Get stoned.

Hank

BWAHHHHHHH!

Hank Hill

It's a side effect of the marijuana poisoning!

If you people are just about finished, I'll tell you who killed Debbie. (everyone sits down) Debbie's phone record showed she called Mr. Hank Hill a short while before her death, which means she was home at 6pm. Now, what would she have seen if she had looked out her window at 6pm, hmmm? (Luanne shrugs) Normally, she'd see Sheriff Mumford stuffing some Sugarfoot's ribs into his face. (Sheriff Mumford glares at Payton) But on this night, she saw Mr. Buck and "Miz Liz" Strickland entering the restaurant, (Buck and Miz Liz lovingly look at each other, holding hands) which, according to the Sugarfoot's reservation book, occurred at…

Bobby

(reads from the reservation book) 6:03, Mr., and 6:04, Mrs..

Seeing Buck and Miz Liz back together must've thrown that pretty little tank wipe into a jealous rage, so when she went down to Sugarfoot's, she—

Peggy

AH! Peggy's Sugarfoot's, at the time it was.

Yeah… The point is, she went there to kill Buck Strickland with the 12 gauge shotgun he had stashed in her apartment, (positions two slices of bread to represent a car and a dumpster, the scene fades to a flashback depicting the events leading to Debbie's death) so she climbed in the dumpster right next to his Cadillac to lie in wait. Now, sitting in a dumpster full of half-eaten barbecue can make you hungry…

(sniffs the scent of the trash) Hmmm… (cut to a convenience store across the street)

…and sure enough, (cut back to present time) Debbie went across the street to… the Get In Get Out. (winks to Sheriff Mumford, who keeps glaring at Payton, cut to security footage, depicting Debbie making a purchase with the rifle under her arm) According to the store's security video tape and a written deposition from Mr. Freddie Hakime, she purchased a Big Gulp and a 99¢ nacho plate. By buying them together, she saved 23¢. (cut back to present time)

Bobby

My God, that is one heck of deal!

When Debbie returned to the dumpster, (cut to Debbie walking past Buck's Cadillac with the rifle and snacks in her arms) she saw Mr. Strickland's car and assumed he was still there. (cut back to present time) What she didn’t know was that the Stricklands had already left together in Mrs. Strickland's car, having reconciled physically in a store room. And again, in the meat locker. (pan over to Buck cuddling with Miz Liz) And once more, in the slop sink. (cut to Debbie climbing back into the dumpster) She had difficulty juggling the three items as she attempted to negotiate her way back into the dumpster. She put the gun in first. She wouldn’t let go of that junk food. (cut back to present time) And that was the source of her demise, for as Debbie climbed into that dumpster, her foot accidentally tripped the hammer on the gun. (cut to Debbie, with the snacks still in her hands, climbing into the dumpster, the rifle suddenly goes off and shoots her dead, the impact of her body hitting the bottom of the dumpster causes the the cover to fall down and close with her leg sticking out, cut back to present time) So, Debbie Gund's killer… was Debbie Grund.

Luanne

My class was cancelled and the library was closed. I love college.

Dale Gribble

C'mon, I'm not leaving without my kiss. I can wait.... I can destroy you.