Jeeves quotes from Jeeves and Wooster

Bertie Wooster

Were there any messages?

Jeeves

Just one, sir. Lady Florence Craye telephoned. She will be calling on you shortly.

Bertie Wooster

[gaping] Lady — F-Florence Craye? Good heavens.... Well, well, well.... Good, well. [leaves kitchen, then comes back in] Ah, Jeeves! Still, uh, still there, are you?

Jeeves

Yes, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves, there was — there was a book on the little table thing by the sofa.

Jeeves

Was it entitled Strength Through Willpower, by Lady Florence Craye, sir?

Bertie Wooster

That's the one, Jeeves.

Jeeves

I placed it by your bedside, sir. I took the liberty of glancing through the volume and thought it might make an excellent remedy for insomnia. Would you like me to get it, sir?

Bertie Wooster

No, no, no, I'll — I'll get it, Jeeves. Just thought I'd leave it casually lying about, as she gave it to me, you see. Trying to improve my mind, I dare say.

Jeeves

That seems scarcely possible, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, Lord Worplesden's place.

Jeeves

Yes, sir. Lady Florence Craye's father.

Bertie Wooster

Yes. Yes, absolutely. Well [coughs nervously] anyway ... we're engaged. Just thought I'd ... I'd let you know. To Lady Florence, that is, not her father.

Jeeves

Let me be the first to congratulate you, sir.

Bertie Wooster

You ... you don't disapprove, Jeeves?

Jeeves

It is hardly my place to say, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Well, I know that it is hardly your place to say, Jeeves. Doesn't normally stop you.

Jeeves

[attempting to be diplomatic] Extremely ... invigorating, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, Jeeves, it's just the word I would have used. Yes, it makes you want to get up and bally well have a run around the park.

Jeeves

My feelings precisely, sir.

Jeeves

Will that be all, sir?

Bertie Wooster

Yes, that'll be all, Jeeves. ... Or rather no. I'll tell you what, Jeeves, you couldn't just pop down to Sir Watkyn's study for me, could you? You'll find a safe in there, just a little one ...

Jeeves

No, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Oh dash it all, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Will that be all, sir?

Bertie Wooster

You're a hard man, Jeeves.

Jeeves

But a free one, sir, and it is my ambition to remain in that state. Good night, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves!

Jeeves

Yes, sir?

Bertie Wooster

That parcel has arrived in London!

Jeeves

Yes, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Well, did you send it?

Jeeves

Yes, sir. [Bertie lets out a small scream] I acted for the best, sir.

Bertie Wooster

You do know that Lady Florence has broken off her engagement with me.

Jeeves

In my opinion, sir — and I'm sorry if this causes you any distress — you and Lady Florence are not ideally matched. Her ladyship is of a highly arbitrary and determined temperament, sir, quite opposed to your own.

Bertie Wooster

Oh, indeed, Jeeves! Well, I'm very grateful for your opinion! I must say that what I had in mind from you was abject, quivering apology! This is very sad, Jeeves, but I'm going to have to think very seriously about your future. I — [catches sight of Florence telling off two servants downstairs]

...I trust that is not alcohol I smell on your breath. Drunkenness may be de rigeur among the servants in some houses, but I should be sorry to see it take hold here.

My lady.

I suggest you read these. They're a brief introduction to the beliefs and aims of the Theosophical Society. Study them well! [hands a pamphlet to each servant, then exits]

Thank you, my lady.

Yes, Lady Worplesden.

Bertie Wooster

...Yes, well, I've thought seriously about your future, Jeeves, and I think it should continue very much in the vein of your immediate past. I owe you an apology, Jeeves.

Jeeves

By no means, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Why is it do you think, Jeeves, that the thought of that little thing my Aunt Dahlia wants me to do for her fills me with a nameless foreboding?

Jeeves

Experience, sir?

Bertie Wooster

If you ask me, Jeeves, art is responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

Jeeves

It's an interesting theory, sir. Would you care to expatiate upon it?

Bertie Wooster

Well, as a matter of fact, no, Jeeves. The thought just occurred to me, as thoughts do.

Jeeves

Very good, sir.

Bertie Wooster

This is a bit steep, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Approaching the perpendicular, sir.

Jeeves

I regret that the terms of my employment do not permit me to take part in criminal activity, sir.

Bertie Wooster

[dismissively] What rot, Jeeves. We're only going to borrow him for an hour. In any case, there's nothing remotely criminal about bringing two loving hearts together.

Jeeves

That is not an assertion I should care to see tested in a court of law, sir.

Jeeves

I attended the performance of a cinema film recently in which the estranged parents of the child were brought together again by the tot in question.

Bertie Wooster

Well, how?

Jeeves

If I remember rightly, sir, it said, "Dadda, doesn't 'oo love Mummy no more?"

Bertie Wooster

"Dadda, doesn't 'oo love Mummy no more?" And that did the trick, did it, Jeeves?

Jeeves

Oh, yes, indeed, sir. The picture concluded with a close-up of the happy pair in fond embrace, with the child looking on with natural gratification.

Jeeves

When I was in service with Lord Worplesden, sir, Mr. Fittleworth contracted an engagement to Lady Florence.

Bertie Wooster

Boko Fittleworth did? Huh. I never knew that. This tendency on the part of the human race to rush around getting engaged to Florence is absolutely inexplicable.

Bertie Wooster

[playing the piano while singing] This Irving Berlin fellow seems to have come a bit of a cropper here, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Sir?

Bertie Wooster

This new song of his — too many words, not enough notes.

Jeeves

If you'll pardon me for saying so, sir, it seems to be a reasonably straightforward syncopated 5/4 time signature. If you were to accent the words "if," "where" and "fashion," I think you'd find that the correct rhythmic pattern would emerge.

Bertie Wooster

"If," "where" and "fashion." Right. [playing and singing] "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to / Why don't you go where fashion sits / Puttin' on the Ritz." Well, he more or less gets away with it, Jeeves, but what about this? "Spangled gowns upon a beauty of hand-me-downs on clown and cutie, all misfits, Puttin' on the Ritz"? Well, just as well for him he chose the Ritz, Jeeves. Imagine the trouble he'd have gone into if he'd decided to write about putting on the Regency. Now, where do you suppose he'd find a rhyme for "Regency," Jeeves?

Jeeves

Ah... "with due expediency," sir?

Bertie Wooster

[trying it out on the piano] "With due expediency / Puttin' on the Regency." It doesn't really work, does it, Jeeves?

Jeeves

Very true, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Um, a problem has arisen in the life of, uh, a friend of mine, Jeeves, who shall remain nameless, and I want — or rather he wants — your advice.

Jeeves

Certainly, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Well, ah, I must begin by saying that this is one of those delicate problems where not only must my friend be nameless, but all the other personnel as well.

Jeeves

Would you prefer it if we were to term the protagonists A and B, sir?

Bertie Wooster

Yes, or North and South.

Jeeves

A and B is more customary, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, well, you know best, Jeeves. Very well. Now then, A is male and B female. You follow me so far?

Jeeves

You have been lucidity itself, sir.

Bertie Wooster

You know, Jeeves, I can't help thinking, somewhere at the back of my mind, there must be a better method of deciding the championship than playing the best of six games.

Jeeves

It does seem likely, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Perhaps the best of eight would do it.

Jeeves

Possibly, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Ten. Exhaustion might yet result, if nothing else.

Jeeves

I'm sure the Sports Committee will find a way, sir — given time.

Bertie Wooster

Oh, stop playing with the hat, Jeeves. I knew you wouldn't like it.

Jeeves

Oh, not at all, sir! Oh, good heavens, it has its name printed on the inside! How convenient!