Jeeves and Wooster · Season 3, Episode 5
“Hot Off the Press” · Season 3, Episode 5
In this episode: Bertie Wooster (14), Jeeves (7), Roderick Spode (3), Sir Watkyn Bassett (3), Stiffy Byng (2), Gussie Fink-Nottle (1), Florence Craye (1)
Observe the time, Jeeves?
Yes indeed, sir, not yet half past three.
Yes, perhaps you think it odd that I'm back from lunch at this unfashionably early hour.
It did occur to me to wonder, sir, whether there had been a conflagration at the Drones Club.
Apparently that's what the song's all about. So on Barmy's recommendation, I rushed out and bought a copy. I now intend to give it a bit of a run-through on the piano.
Is that wise, sir, so soon after a heavy meal?
I shall ignore that cheap gibe, Jeeves.
Were there any messages?
Just one, sir. Lady Florence Craye telephoned. She will be calling on you shortly.
[gaping] Lady — F-Florence Craye? Good heavens.... Well, well, well.... Good, well. [leaves kitchen, then comes back in] Ah, Jeeves! Still, uh, still there, are you?
Yes, sir.
Jeeves, there was — there was a book on the little table thing by the sofa.
Was it entitled Strength Through Willpower, by Lady Florence Craye, sir?
That's the one, Jeeves.
I placed it by your bedside, sir. I took the liberty of glancing through the volume and thought it might make an excellent remedy for insomnia. Would you like me to get it, sir?
No, no, no, I'll — I'll get it, Jeeves. Just thought I'd leave it casually lying about, as she gave it to me, you see. Trying to improve my mind, I dare say.
That seems scarcely possible, sir.
Yes, Lord Worplesden's place.
Yes, sir. Lady Florence Craye's father.
Yes. Yes, absolutely. Well [coughs nervously] anyway ... we're engaged. Just thought I'd ... I'd let you know. To Lady Florence, that is, not her father.
Let me be the first to congratulate you, sir.
You ... you don't disapprove, Jeeves?
It is hardly my place to say, sir.
Well, I know that it is hardly your place to say, Jeeves. Doesn't normally stop you.
Bertie Wooster [singing one of his idiotic songs]:
Hot ginger and dynamite
There's nothing but that at night.
Back in Nagasaki where the fellows chew tobaccy
And the women wicky wacky woo.
I knew Barmy hadn't lost his touch!
Oh Fujiyama, you get a mama
Then your troubles increase.
In some pagoda she orders soda
The earth shakes milk shakes ten cents a piece.
They kissee and huggee nice
By jingo, it's worth the price.
Back in Nagasaki where the fellows chew tobaccy
And the women wicky wacky woo.
You just have to act your age
Or wind up inside a cage.
Back in Nagasaki where the fellows chew tobaccy
And the women wicky wacky woo.
Bertie Wooster Well, now Jeeves! That's a bit more like it, eh?
[attempting to be diplomatic] Extremely ... invigorating, sir.
Yes, Jeeves, it's just the word I would have used. Yes, it makes you want to get up and bally well have a run around the park.
My feelings precisely, sir.
How's Stinker?
Who?
Your fiance.
I don't have a fiance. If a girl's fiance can't stand up to a girl's uncle and demand a girl's hand in marriage, he has no right to call himself a fiance.
I thought he had done all that?
He did. But uncle Watty refused.
Well that's hardly Stinker's fault ...
He obviously didn't put enough backbone into it.
Gussie's playing Pat in the "Pat and Mike" cross-talk act at the village concert I'm producing.
Oh, really? And who's playing Mike in this merry mélange of fun and topicality?
[Bertie tries to steal the manuscript from Sir Watkyn's study]
What are you doing here?
Er ... dinner!
Dinner? This isn't the dining room.
Isn't it? Oh. Thought I could smell tapioca.
The dining room's over there. You can't miss it. There are people having dinner in it.
Even the black shorts that my followers wear are symbolic.
Symbolic?
Certainly! They signify the brevity of our patience with present-day political apathy. And black is symbolic of the fact that so riddled with inefficiencies is our present-day industrial structure, that my suppliers ... ran out of all the other colours.
Will that be all, sir?
Yes, that'll be all, Jeeves. ... Or rather no. I'll tell you what, Jeeves, you couldn't just pop down to Sir Watkyn's study for me, could you? You'll find a safe in there, just a little one ...
No, sir.
Oh dash it all, Jeeves.
Will that be all, sir?
You're a hard man, Jeeves.
But a free one, sir, and it is my ambition to remain in that state. Good night, sir.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Jeeves and Wooster pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
