Jeeves quotes from Jeeves and Wooster

Jeeves

I assumed it had got into your wardrobe by mistake, sir, or else that it has been placed there by your enemies.

Bertie Wooster

I will have you know, Jeeves, that I bought this in Cannes!

Jeeves

And wore it, sir?

Bertie Wooster

Every night at the Casino. Beautiful women used to try and catch my eye!

Jeeves

Presumably they thought you were a waiter, sir.

Bertie Wooster

But how could anything go wrong? All he had to do was… propose.

Jeeves

So one would be disposed to imagine, sir. However, upon finding himself alone with the young lady, he confesses to having lost his nerve. In such circumstances, gentlemen frequently talk at random, sir, saying the first thing that chances to enter their head. This, in Mr. Fink-Nottle's case, would seem to have been the newt: its treatment in sickness and in health.

Bertie Wooster

Bad, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Yes, sir.

Bertie Wooster

And how long did he go on talking about newts?

Jeeves

According to Mr. Fink-Nottle, he supplied Miss Bassett with very full and complete information, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Very bad, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Indeed, sir.

Jeeves

We have a duty to look after our ladies and gentlemen, Monsieur Anatole.

Look after?! Am I the nursie?! Am I the nursie for the kiddies?! No, this is not kiddies, no no no no no. Kiddies is nice. Kiddies is not stopping with the eats. Kiddies is not saying to other chap, "Poof! We not like you no more! We not eat your comestibles!"

Jeeves

Since time immemorial, Monsieur Anatole, it has fallen to the Gallic races to bring civilization to the rude northerly provinces of their empire.

Mmm-mm, is true. Anatole is civilian. Anatole is nice.

Jeeves

It hasn't always been easy; sometimes it has seemed impossible. But...

Bertie Wooster

I was standing on Eden-Roc in Antibes last month, and a girl I know slightly pointed to this fellow diving into the water and asked me if I didn't think that his legs were about the silliest-looking pair of props ever issued to a human being. Well, I agreed that indeed they were and, for perhaps a couple of minutes, I was extraordinarily witty and satirical about this bird's underpinnings. And guess what happened next.

Jeeves

I am agog to learn, sir.

Bertie Wooster

A cyclone is what happened next, Jeeves, emanating from this girl. She started on my own legs, saying that they weren't much to write home about, and then she moved on to dissect my manners, morals, intellect, general physique and method of eating asparagus. By the time she'd finished, the best that could be said about poor old Bertram was that, so far as was known, he hadn't actually burnt down an orphanage.

Jeeves

A most illuminating story, sir.

Bertie Wooster

No, no, no, no, no, Jeeves, Jeeves, you haven't had the payoff yet!

Jeeves

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir! The structure of your tale deceived me, for a moment, into thinking that it was over.

Bertie Wooster

No, no, no, the point is that she was actually engaged to this fellow with the legs. They'd had some minor disagreement the night before, but there they were the following night, dining together, their differences made up and the love light once more in their eyes. And I expect much the same results with my cousin Angela.

Jeeves

I look forward to it with lively anticipation, sir.

Jeeves

Gentlemen who are discarded by one young lady are apt to attach themselves without delay to another, sir. It is what is known as a gesture. My uncle George...

Bertie Wooster

Oh, never mind your uncle George, Jeeves.

Jeeves

No, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Save him for the long winter evenings, eh?

Jeeves

Just as you say, sir.

Jeeves

I hope you won't take it amiss, sir, but I've been giving some attention to what might be called the "amatory entanglements" at Brinkley. It seems to me that drastic measures may be called for.

Bertie Wooster

[sighs audibly] Drastic away, Jeeves. The prospect of being united for life with a woman who talks about "little baby bunnies" fills me with an unnamed dread.

Jeeves

Good morning, Mrs. Travers. Mr. Wooster asked me to say that he has gone to Switzerland.

Oh, piffle, Jeeves, get the blighter out of bed.

Jeeves

Very good, madam. [goes into Bertie's bedroom] Mrs. Travers, sir.

Bertie Wooster

But, I thought I told you —

Jeeves

I'm afraid she seemed disinclined to believe me, sir.

Bertie Wooster

You'd better read it, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Very good, sir. [clears throat] "Come immediately. Serious rift Madeline and self. Unless you come earliest possible moment prepared lend every effort reconciliation wedding will be broken off. Reply. Gussie," sir.

Bertie Wooster

Ah, well, these are deep waters, Jeeves! There's only one thing we can say with any certainty, and that is that Gussie has made an ass of himself again.

Jeeves

There is that possibility, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Have you got your telegraph pad handy?

Jeeves

Yes, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Right. Well, send this. "Fink-Nottle, Totleigh Towers, Totleigh-in-the-Wold, Gloucestershire. Yes that's all very well. You say come here immediately but how dickens can I? Relations between Pop Bassett and self not such as to make him welcome Bertram. Would hurl out on ear and set dogs on. What serious rift? Why serious rift? Why dickens? What have you been doing to the girl? Reply. Bertie." [squeezes rubber duck]

Of course, one can't get proper gentlemen nowadays.

They're not what they were, certainly. The one I've got at the moment insists on calling me by my first name!

Well, one tries to be tactful, of course, but one is simply swimming against the tide. I blame their parents. How's yours now, Jeeves?

Jeeves

Oh, really quite promising. I always suspected I could make something of him, and such is proving to be the case.

But you want to see the book, don't you?

Jeeves

I'm not considering another gentleman. This is quite another matter.

The book for Mr. Jeeves, if you please.

Well, I must say mine is coming along very nicely, very nicely indeed. You remember I had to be quite severe with him about wearing a soft hat before Goodwood? [the others smile and shake their heads] Good as gold now, good as gold.

Jeeves

[taking the book] Ah, thank you.

I'm really quite concerned about this first-name business.

I think they pick it up from the cinema.

Why don't you try not answering when he calls you by the wrong name?

Oh, I don't think I could carry that off. One doesn't like to hurt their feelings, does one?

Ah, Jeeves. Glad to see you here. You're just the sort of person we need in the movement — the working masses. [Jeeves stiffens]

Jeeves

[coldly] I hesitate to contradict you, Mr. Spode, but the "working masses" and I have barely a nodding acquaintanceship. Good afternoon.

Bertie Wooster

[speaking of Spode] You can't be a successful dictator and design women's underclothing.

Jeeves

No, sir.

Bertie Wooster

One or the other, not both.

Jeeves

Precisely, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Are these the actions of rational human beings, Jeeves?

Jeeves

It's difficult to say, sir.

Bertie Wooster

I mean, is it for this that we dragged ourselves from the primeval ooze, to stir up the emotions of civil, honest citizens to the point of frenzy and then go around playing tennis and giggling?

Jeeves

It's an interesting question, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Have you ever seen a floral clock, Jeeves?

Jeeves

I have not had that pleasure, sir.

Bertie Wooster

No, well, don't. Have nothing whatever to do with floral clocks. If a friend says, "Just one more floral clock can't do you any harm," be firm.

Jeeves

I shall do as you recommend, sir.

Jeeves

Did you have a pleasant afternoon, sir?

Bertie Wooster

You have a cruel streak, Jeeves. I hadn't realized it before. What blighter was it that invented the bicycle?

Jeeves

The first truly rideable machine was made by a Mr. Kirkpatrick Macmillan of Dumfriesshire in Scotland in, erm, 1839, I believe, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Oh. Too late to do anything about it now, I suppose.

Jeeves

I fear so, sir.

Bertie Wooster

It's Biffy, isn't it? What have you got against old Biffy?

Jeeves

I'm sure Mr. Biffen has many fine qualities, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Oh, very well, then. If you're not going to chip in and save a fellow creature, I suppose I can't make you. You're going to look pretty silly, though, when I get old Biffy out of the soup without your assistance.

Jeeves

I shall try to bear up under the shame of it, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes, well.... Right, well, I'm going back into that sitting room now, Jeeves, and I'm going to put in some pretty tense thinking.

Jeeves

Very good, sir. Shall I wake you at six, sir?

Bertie Wooster

Er yes, tha— [turning suddenly] NO, NO, Jeeves! There will be no need! The brain will be racing.

Jeeves

[in disbelief] As you say, sir.