Your uncle Tom thinks it's the cat's nightwear.
“Jeeves Saves the Cow Creamer” · Season 2, Episode 1
In this episode: Bertie Wooster (9), Jeeves (3), Stiffy Byng (3), Aunt Dahlia (3), Roderick Spode (1), Sir Watkyn Bassett (1), Madeline Bassett (1)
Good morning, Mrs. Travers. Mr. Wooster asked me to say that he has gone to Switzerland.
Oh, piffle, Jeeves, get the blighter out of bed.
Very good, madam. [goes into Bertie's bedroom] Mrs. Travers, sir.
But, I thought I told you —
I'm afraid she seemed disinclined to believe me, sir.
I don't care how spiritual Harold Pinker is, Madeline. I'm Stephie's guardian.
You know he played cricket for Oxford?
I don't care if he played tiddlywinks for the Sorbonne.
[a telegram comes while Bertie is in the bathtub]
You'd better read it, Jeeves.
Very good, sir. [clears throat] "Come immediately. Serious rift Madeline and self. Unless you come earliest possible moment prepared lend every effort reconciliation wedding will be broken off. Reply. Gussie," sir.
Ah, well, these are deep waters, Jeeves! There's only one thing we can say with any certainty, and that is that Gussie has made an ass of himself again.
There is that possibility, sir.
Have you got your telegraph pad handy?
Yes, sir.
Right. Well, send this. "Fink-Nottle, Totleigh Towers, Totleigh-in-the-Wold, Gloucestershire. Yes that's all very well. You say come here immediately but how dickens can I? Relations between Pop Bassett and self not such as to make him welcome Bertram. Would hurl out on ear and set dogs on. What serious rift? Why serious rift? Why dickens? What have you been doing to the girl? Reply. Bertie." [squeezes rubber duck]
Bertie dictates a telegram to a post office employee
To Aunt Dahlia. Erm ... I say — look here, this is absolutely impossible. Er ... not to say, out of the question. Spode has already threatened yours truly. Uh ... sorry, and all that ... oh — about the cow creamer, I mean. Anyway, there it is. Toodle-pip, your affectionate nephew, Bertie.
POPost office employee
Is it a code?
Stiffy's dog attacks a police constable, who falls off his bike into a pond
[to the constable] What on earth did you do that for? You might've scared him out of his wits, hurling yourself about like that. [addressing the dog] Poor old Bartholomew!
POPC Oates
We must caution you, Miss Stephanie!
[talking to dog] Did the ugly man nearly squash him flat?
OOates
I was proceeding along a public highway when the dog leaped at me in a violent manner. I was hurled from my bicycle —
Well you shouldn't ride a bicycle. Bartholomew hates bicycles.
POPC Oates
I ride a bicycle, Miss, because if I didn't, I would have to cover my beat on foot!
Do you good! Get some of the fat off you.
[Bertie, in the background, hits his face with his palm]
POPC Oates
I will have to summons you once more, miss, for being in possession of a savage dog whilst not under proper control.
Don't be an ass, Oates. You can't expect a dog to pass up a policeman on a bicycle! It isn't human nature.
Stinker! Good heavens!
[they shake hands cordially]
SStinker
Bertie! Well, well, well!
I always wondered what became of you!
SStinker
I was wondering only the other day what had happened to you. Good heavens!
Well, well, well!
SStinker
Extraordinary thing!
And here you are!
SStinker
Well, well, well!
Absolutely amazing. Good heavens.
Er — is that the end?
Bertie, I think you're a pig!
A pig, maybe. But a shrewd, level-headed pig. A pig who was not born yesterday and has seen a thing or two.
One has tried, one has failed! One can do no more.
Don't you try that "dying duck in a thunderstorm" stuff on me, young Bertie. You will get that cow creamer.
No — no, you don't understand, Aunt Dahlia. I have tried! I've been threatened with a shotgun, and Roderick Spode says that if I try again, he will beat me to a jelly.
Yes? Go on.
What do you mean "yes, go on"? You wouldn't want your favorite nephew to be beaten to a jelly, now would you?
Might be an improvement.
[at the Junior Ganymede Club for gentlemen's gentlemen]
V1Valet #1
Of course, one can't get proper gentlemen nowadays.
[the others murmur in agreement]
V2Valet #2
They're not what they were, certainly. The one I've got at the moment insists on calling me by my first name!
V1Valet #1
Well, one tries to be tactful, of course, but one is simply swimming against the tide. I blame their parents. How's yours now, Jeeves?
Oh, really quite promising. I always suspected I could make something of him, and such is proving to be the case.
VAValet at the head of the table
But you want to see the book, don't you?
I'm not considering another gentleman. This is quite another matter.
VAValet at the head of the table
The book for Mr. Jeeves, if you please.
V3Valet #3
Well, I must say mine is coming along very nicely, very nicely indeed. You remember I had to be quite severe with him about wearing a soft hat before Goodwood? [the others smile and shake their heads] Good as gold now, good as gold.
[taking the book] Ah, thank you.
V1Valet #1
I'm really quite concerned about this first-name business.
VAValet at the head of the table
I think they pick it up from the cinema.
V1Valet #1
Why don't you try not answering when he calls you by the wrong name?
V2Valet #2
Oh, I don't think I could carry that off. One doesn't like to hurt their feelings, does one?
[angrily] Why wasn't Fink-Nottle at dinner?
Perhaps he wasn't hungry.
I'm looking for him.
Oh. Right. Well uh...any message if he should turn up?
Tell him I'm going to break his neck!
Break his neck. Right. And, uh, if he should ask why?
He knows why! Because he's a butterfly who toys with women's hearts and throws them aside like soiled gloves.
Do butterflies do that?
Are you trying to be funny?
No, no, no.
Good.
Spode qua menace — if "qua" is the word I'm after — is a thing of the past.
[to Spode] I would like to know why the devil you keep coming into my private apartment and then taking up space which I require for other purposes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Jeeves and Wooster pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.