Jeeves and Wooster · Season 1, Episode 5
“Brinkley Manor” · Season 1, Episode 5
In this episode: Bertie Wooster (7), Jeeves (4), Tuppy Glossop (1), Gussie Fink-Nottle (1)
Mr. Wooster's residence... Where is Mr. Wooster? (Bertie shakes his head and waves his hand at him) He's not at home, sir... I'm Jeeves... What do you mean, "you think not?"... Oh! (he hangs up)
Well, who was it?
Jeeves.
Well, I don't think I'm going too far, Jeeves, when I say that this just about takes the giddy biscuit!
We have a duty to look after our ladies and gentlemen, Monsieur Anatole.
Look after?! Am I the nursie?! Am I the nursie for the kiddies?! No, this is not kiddies, no no no no no. Kiddies is nice. Kiddies is not stopping with the eats. Kiddies is not saying to other chap, "Poof! We not like you no more! We not eat your comestibles!"
Since time immemorial, Monsieur Anatole, it has fallen to the Gallic races to bring civilization to the rude northerly provinces of their empire.
Mmm-mm, is true. Anatole is civilian. Anatole is nice.
It hasn't always been easy; sometimes it has seemed impossible. But...
I was standing on Eden-Roc in Antibes last month, and a girl I know slightly pointed to this fellow diving into the water and asked me if I didn't think that his legs were about the silliest-looking pair of props ever issued to a human being. Well, I agreed that indeed they were and, for perhaps a couple of minutes, I was extraordinarily witty and satirical about this bird's underpinnings. And guess what happened next.
I am agog to learn, sir.
A cyclone is what happened next, Jeeves, emanating from this girl. She started on my own legs, saying that they weren't much to write home about, and then she moved on to dissect my manners, morals, intellect, general physique and method of eating asparagus. By the time she'd finished, the best that could be said about poor old Bertram was that, so far as was known, he hadn't actually burnt down an orphanage.
A most illuminating story, sir.
No, no, no, no, no, Jeeves, Jeeves, you haven't had the payoff yet!
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir! The structure of your tale deceived me, for a moment, into thinking that it was over.
No, no, no, the point is that she was actually engaged to this fellow with the legs. They'd had some minor disagreement the night before, but there they were the following night, dining together, their differences made up and the love light once more in their eyes. And I expect much the same results with my cousin Angela.
I look forward to it with lively anticipation, sir.
[Bertie is trying to convince a furious Tuppy Glossop that he's had no romantic intentions toward Angela Travers]
During that sojourn in Cannes, my affections were engaged elsewhere.
What?
My affections. Engaged elsewhere, during that sojourn.
[angrily] Well, who was she?
My dear Tuppy, does one bandy a woman's name?
One does if one doesn't want one's ruddy head pulled off! [approaches menacingly]
Well, yes, right, yes, well, obviously this is a...a special case. Madeline Bassett.
[astonished] You're in love with that weird Gawd-help-us Bassett!?
Well, I don't think you should call her a weird Gawd-help-us, Tuppy. Odd in some of her views, perhaps. One does not quite see eye-to-eye with her in the matter of stars and bunny rabbits. But not a weird Gawd-help-us.
And you stick to it that you're in love with her?
It is not twenty-four hours since she turned me down.
Turned you down?
Like a bedspread. In this very garden. So, you'll see, I can't be the chap, if any, who stole Angela from you in Cannes.
Well, because your affections were engaged elsewhere...
During that sojourn.
Hmm, I see. All right then. Sorry to have troubled you.
So, you've won the Scripture Knowledge prize, have you, G.G. Simmons?
Sir, yes, sir.
Yes, you look just the sort of little tick who would.
So! It appears that you've gone and got engaged to the Gussie.
Quite right. We're in love.
Oh, come now, Angela. Gussie's... Gussie's a splendid chap in many ways. If you've got a sick newt on your hands, well, Gussie's just the fellow to tell you what to do until the doctor comes. But honestly, old thing, you could fling bricks by the half-hour in England's most densely populated districts without hitting one girl willing to become Mrs. Fink-Nottle without a general anesthetic.
Well, I thought it would be fun!
Well, I'm surprised at you, young Angela. No wonder they say, "Oh, woman, woman!"
Who do?
...Well, chaps, supposedly. You know you're potty about Tuppy!
For goodness's sake, Bertie, go away and boil your head!
Well, now, Angela, if you'll permit me to observe…!
No!
Very well, then. I shall say no more. [gets up to leave, then pauses in the doorway] Just... tinkety-tonk!
Gentlemen who are discarded by one young lady are apt to attach themselves without delay to another, sir. It is what is known as a gesture. My uncle George...
Oh, never mind your uncle George, Jeeves.
No, sir.
Save him for the long winter evenings, eh?
Just as you say, sir.
I hope you won't take it amiss, sir, but I've been giving some attention to what might be called the "amatory entanglements" at Brinkley. It seems to me that drastic measures may be called for.
[sighs audibly] Drastic away, Jeeves. The prospect of being united for life with a woman who talks about "little baby bunnies" fills me with an unnamed dread.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Jeeves and Wooster pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
