Jeeves quotes from Jeeves and Wooster

Bertie Wooster

Was that the doorbell, Jeeves?

Jeeves

It certainly gave that impression, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Who could that be at this time of night?

Jeeves

I shall endeavor to ascertain, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Well, let me tell you, Mr. Mangelhoffer, that the man that hath no music in himself is fit for... hang on a minute. [goes into the other room, where Jeeves is peeling potatoes] Jeeves, what was it Shakespeare said the man that hadn't music in himself was fit for?

Jeeves

Treasons, stratagems, and spoils, sir.

Bertie Wooster

[returning] Treasons, stratagems, and spoils.

What?

Bertie Wooster

That's what he's fit for, the man that hath no music in himself.

Bertie Wooster

Well, there's only one thing for it, Jeeves: Chuffy must be shoved over the brink.

Jeeves

I do not quite follow you, sir.

Bertie Wooster

What he needs is a jolt. If he thought that there was a grave danger of some other bloke scooping her up, well, wouldn't that make him forget those dashed silly ideas of his and charge ahead, breathing fire through the nostrils?

Jeeves

Jealousy is undoubtedly a powerful motivating energy, sir.

Bertie Wooster

I blame you for this, Jeeves.

Jeeves

With respect, sir, I merely intended Mr. Stoker to discover his daughter at your cottage. So strongly does he disapprove of you that I expected him to look more kindly on Miss Stoker's putative engagement to Lord Chuffnell. The fact that His Lordship should also discover her here, and in mortal peril, was, as the Americans say, pure gravy.

Jeeves

Foreign travel often liberates emotions best kept in check, sir, and the air of North America is notoriously stimulating in this regard, as witness the regrettable behavior of its inhabitants in 1776.

Bertie Wooster

What happened in 1776, Jeeves?

Jeeves

I prefer not to dwell on it, if it's convenient to you, sir.

Jeeves

Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope made frequent re—

Bertie Wooster

Oh, never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves.

Jeeves

No, sir.

Bertie Wooster

There are times when one wants to hear all about the poet Pope and times when one doesn't.

Jeeves

Very true, sir.

Bertie Wooster

You know that play — oh, what was its dashed name — the one I saw last night.

Jeeves

No, sir.

Bertie Wooster

It's on at the whatcha-call-it. Anyway, the hero's a chap who is buzzing along through life, you know, quite merry and bright, apart from his gammy leg from the war. And all of a sudden, this kid turns up, and says that she's his daughter ... left over from act one. And it's absolutely the first he's ever heard of it! So obviously, there's a bit of a fuss, and they say to him what ho, and he says what ho. And ... anyway, he takes the kid, and they go off together, out into the world!

Jeeves

Very inspiring, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Yes well, I thought so, yes.

Bertie Wooster

I mean to say, Jeeves — if a girl can't, in the course of ordinary everyday conversation, tell a chap to go and boil his head without said chap turning to the arms of another, well, I mean, where are we, Jeeves?

Jeeves

Where indeed, sir.

Bertie Wooster

What on earth's the matter, Jeeves? Jeeves?

Jeeves

[coughs] I apologize, sir. It was unforgivable of me. I shall be better directly. It's just... Mr. Little's tie, sir. It has... little horseshoes on it, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Oh yes, yes, I noticed that.

Jeeves

It's sometimes difficult just to shrug these things off, sir.

Bertie Wooster

This may well be it, Jeeves.

Jeeves

"It," sir?

Bertie Wooster

Pitching the woo, Jeeves. Not to rule out popping the question. The lights will be low, the wine will be flowing...

Jeeves

I'm sure I wish you every good fortune, sir. I only hope that the dog will not impede your endeavors.

Bertie Wooster

Patrick? Patrick will be warmly ensconced in your room, Jeeves.

Jeeves

It is, if you recall, sir, my evening off. I had promised myself a quiet evening with an improving book.

Bertie Wooster

Can't you spend an evening with an improving dog?

Bertie Wooster

Am I wrong in thinking that all little girls are hard-bitten thugs of the worst description?

Jeeves

Your definition is sadly near the truth, sir.

Bertie Wooster

You've heard of limpets, Jeeves?

Jeeves

The gastropod mollusc of the genus Patella noted for adhering tightly to rocks, sir?

Bertie Wooster

Exactly, Jeeves. Well, this blasted Pershore seems to be noted for adhering tightly to Woosters. Can't get rid of the blighter. Just as I'm about to click with some toothsome filly, up pops Motty Pershore to enliven proceedings by standing at my elbow like a wet weekend at Chalfont St. Giles.

Bertie Wooster

She's a fair size, Jeeves.

Jeeves

Indeed, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Puts one in mind of Honoria Glossop in that white dress she used to wear at hunt balls.

Jeeves

The similarity is a striking one, sir.

Bertie Wooster

Now, Jeeves, why do you think they built all these tall buildings?

Jeeves

Well, sir, it was partly because of the restricted size of Manhattan Island and partly because the island is solid granite and therefore capable of supporting such structures.

Bertie Wooster

Nothing to do with having got the plans sideways, then.

Jeeves

No, sir.

Bertie Wooster

That's what Barmy told me.

Jeeves

You will pardon me for saying so, sir, but Mr. Fotheringay-Phipps is not noted for his architectural expertise.

Bertie Wooster

Jeeves, there's a dog in there!

Jeeves

That will be Rollo, sir. His Lordship [Wilmot Pershore] informed me that he purchased the animal from a Norwegian seaman.

Bertie Wooster

He tried to bite me!

Jeeves

No doubt in time the creature will learn to distinguish your peculiar scent, sir.

Bertie Wooster

What do you mean, "my peculiar scent"? Jeeves, I do not intend to hang about in my bedroom while life slips by, in the hope that one of these days some dratted animal will decide that I smell all right!

Bertie Wooster

By the way, Jeeves, on no account do we agree to our staying here overnight.

Jeeves

Very good, sir. Might one inquire why?

Bertie Wooster

Because, Jeeves, of all places on this great planet of ours, West Neck, Long Island, has been chosen to be the most unexciting. The last time anything remotely interesting happened here was in 1842, when a tree fell over. They still talk about it in the village.