It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · Season 10
Dennis, what is this enticing bowl of white?
Charlie, that... that's cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese? Like... cheese from some cottage? Whose cottage? Well, like, what is that, exactly?
How do you not know what it is? Aren't you, like, a cheese guy?
I'm not a cottage guy.
You are gonna make us lose this game.
Yeah. Well, yeah, you know, uh, Grant? I want to... I want to change my answer.
What? Wh... what? Why?
I have realized it's-it's not totally accurate, because I've seen a pig eat a man. In fact, I've seen many pigs eat many men. It was a bloodbath.
Just need you to name an animal that we eat but doesn't eat us.
Doesn't eat us-- that's easy. Dragon!
Charlie, do you eat dragon?
No! I don't eat dragon 'cause, uh, it's-it's not a meal for peasants, it's a meal for kings, and I'm sort of a common man. But they don't eat us; they, uh, it's like a misconception. They actually eat gold and treasure. That's why they're always sitting on a big pile of it.
Bad answer. Bad answer. Bad answer. That's a bad answer.
Okay, show me dragon!
[laughing] I told you!
Well, astonishingly, uh, one person surveyed gave the answer dragon, so... What a world!
I'm gonna go with... toe knife.
With what now?
With a toe knife 'cause I-I use a-a sharp blade to dig the scum out of my toenails. Once in a while, I cut myself, but it pusses up and in three days, it's good as new.
Sure. Toe knife! Way more information than we needed, but, uh... show me toe knife.
I'm sorry, can I ask: how do you play with a goddamn hole?
First, we just started, like, throwing things down it and then we never heard it land. It would just kind of rattle around down there.
Then we got a flashlight to see if we could see the bottom - we couldn't. Then I threw it down there! Y'know, to prove a point.
What was the point?
It was something to do with how metal... travels faster than light? Or-
No, it was that light is either on or off, there's no speed to light. It's- it was an anti-science thing.
This hole, it's very exciting, Dennis. I mean, it represents infinite possibilities, it's endless.
What if there's, like, a mutant living down there? We can get him up and he can live in the bar with us!
We've already got one mutant hanging out with us in the bar all the time. (laughs at Frank) Hey, Frank, did you hear what I said? I turned a frustrating conversation into a joke on you.
Huh? Oh, y-yeah.
...Frank, what do you think about this hole? Pretty cool, huh? You want to do something with it?
No, I don't. In fact, something just dawned on me: I need to quit.
Wha-what? What're- What're you talking about?
I don't care anything about this hole. I-I'm passionless.
What are you saying, Frank?
I hereby officially retire from Paddy's Pub.
[Frank leaves. After a few seconds, the Gang starts cheering]
Look, I'm just trying to come up with a system. We gotta have a system here, y'know?
Wait, wait, wait, we do have a system for this! Paddy's Succession Plan, remember?
Oh shit, right. Yes, right! Paddy's Succession Plan! It was, like, a will we drew up to determine who would get each one of our shares in the very likely event of our untimely deaths.
We drank, like, three bottles of tequila and then we started talking about our legacy and how important that was to us-
Gotta have a legacy.
Oh, here we go. On a paper plate, huh?
Yeah, read it, read it.
"Paddy's Succession Plan - Paddy's Pub shall secure our legacy here, henceforth and forevermore, throughout the birthright of our firstborn kin." Who hit the pen here?
It makes sense, don't be a bitch- what it means is, every one of our shares gets passed down to our firstborn.
Right! Right, our firstborn!
The shares get passed down to the firstborn kin? We are the firstborn kin of Frank!
Well, hang on! That's not, like, an official document!
Uh, well, you signed it in your blood.
Oh. There it is: "Chrundle", written in blood.
Oh, yeah. I was going by Chrundle at the time, wasn't I-
Nope. No, you were trying to write Charlie, and you wrote Chrundle.
No, I was going by Chrundle the Great.
You came up with that after you miswrote it.
I came up with a really great idea, dude.
Yeah?
I'm gonna play both sides.
...Why would you tell me that?
Should I not have?
Probably shouldn't, because if you're trying to keep it a secret from me, well, now I know.
I shouldn't've- should I tell them?
No, I don't think you should tell either side, because if you're trying to play both sides and they both know, you're not playing anybody.
What should I do now?
I d- I don't give a shit. Why are you here?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
