CharlieSays the guy who knows nothing about the law!
I can absolutely keep a hummingbird as a pet, bro. It's no different than having a parrot or a parakeet. It's a bird, bro.
Charlie
You really can't, and I'm not saying I agree with it. It's just that bird law in this country--it's not governed by reason.
There's no such thing as "bird law".
Charlie
Yes, there is.
You know what? I'm going to get a hummingbird and I'll show you.
Charlie
Hummingbirds...hummingbirds are illegal tender!
Charlie
You cannot.
To spite you, I'm going to get one.
Charlie
You can keep a gull as a pet, but you don't want to live with a seabird, okay, 'cause the noise level alone on those things...have you ever heard a gull up close? It's going to blast your eardrums out, dude.
LLawyer
You know what? This family, behind me, has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.
Charlie
Alright.
Charlie
Lemme handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points. Look buddy, I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings, uh, I'm well educated, well versed. I know that situations like this, real-estate wise, are complex.
LLawyer
Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler-plate.
Charlie
Okay. Well we're all hungry. We'll get to our hot-plates soon enough. Let's talk about the contract here.
LLawyer
I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?
Charlie
Well I could ask you that very same question.
LLawyer
I went to Harvard.
Charlie
Ah, mhm.
LLawyer
How about you? Hm? Uh?
Charlie
I'm pleading the fifth, sir.
LLawyer
I'd advise that you do that.
Charlie
And I'll take that advice into cooperation, alright? Now what say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird-law and see how comes out the victor?
LLawyer
You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can see clearly you know nothing about the law. It seems like you have a tenuous grasp of the English language in general.
Charlie
(said as fly flies past his head) I, uh, well, filibuster!
LLawyer
Do you.. Do you know what that word means?
Charlie
Ah-yup!
LLawyer
Yeah, whats that mean?
Charlie
uhhhhhhh. AHHHHHHH!!!(proceeds to slam through the door)
Charlie
I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Charlie
That lawyer guy, okay. He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction.
You want him to bang you?
Charlie
Mac, be serious. He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened
[shows gang history book]
Charlie
. Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie
No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
How do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie
[slams book, looking at Frank] Because it's an old book, okay? I don't need to explain everything to you about what I know. I'm trying to... get satisfied... From this dude... and you're trying to...
Charlie
[giving up and leaving] I'm getting satisfied.
I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.
Charlie
I can't, I just ate it.
Charlie
Yeah, it was pretty gross.
The stem and then the, and the core?!
Charlie
You didn't tell me not to eat the stem dude!
Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?!
Charlie
Yeah, it was gross.
Of course it's gross, it's a sticker bro!
Charlie
I eat stickers all the time dude!
Oh my god, this whole thing is a disaster... I... I'm going back to the car...
Does anybody else feel really uncomfortable?
Charlie
Yes, we're completely under-dressed. It's embarrassing.
What are we doing here Frank? What's your angle?
I want to bang your Aunt Donna.
Why would you want to bang our mom's sister at the funeral of her husband?
Well, I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm going to get really weird with it. Meanwhile, block the wind. I'm going to roast this bone.
Charlie
But if I'm being honest my problem is less with the fact he is drinking and more that he is doing it without me. And then I start thinking, what's wrong with me? Am I not fun to drink with?
Oh, no, no. Don't do that to yourself. You're plenty of fun to drink with. Trust me Charlie, you really get drunk and then you get reckless. Its a lot of fun.
TTabitha
You know I do offer group therapy.
Charlie
Yeah, okay.
What is this? What are you doing?
TTabitha
With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
Oh. you put wine in the soda can?
Charlie
Ahh, you stole Frank's idea.
Yeah yeah yeah. Its actually is a pretty good idea.
Charlie
Well its a good idea. I mean the guy has great ideas.
He is a smart man, that is not what we're here about.
Charlie
Well I guess my letter would be about how Frank and I aren't really making memories together anymore. And you know how when we don't make memories together that's a hurtful thing for me.
Okay. Uhh, you know let's just dive right in I'm not even going to try and suss out where you're going with that one.
Charlie
Right. Um, number one, when was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank?
Oh, uh, okay. Wha-what is that?
Charlie
Well, its not about you... why don't you just right it down and then... ?
Yeah, but you said it... you said Night Crawlers. Now... now I feel like I can't... move past it. I gotta know what that is.
Charlie
It... its no big deal, you know. If I were you I'd just write it down cause its not really a big deal.
Charlie
Its... what it sounds like.
What it sounds like is that you two crawl around like worms at night. That's what it sounds like.
Charlie
This is not about you.
As a matter of fact I'm starting to think think we need to intervene on you for your goddamn illiteracy.
Yeah, Charlie, you are getting real dumb.
Charlie
Come on, alright, this is what I'm talking about. Illiteracy. You know, what does that word even mean?
Charlie
Oh my god. That was a terrible experience for me by the way.
Of course, nobody likes salting the snail but she gives you no choice.
She doesn't leave you with any options.
Charlie
Horrible thing. I'm all worked up now. I feel bad I feel like maybe... I should have some more wine in a can.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia · 514 quotes
