Freddie Benson quotes from iCarly

Freddie

Sam would rather chew broken glass then go out on a date with me for a whole Saturday night, no way she's going through with this!

Carly

You asked Melanie.

Freddie

OOOKAAAYYY. You can pretend I'm going on a date with Melanie, but I know... I've got a date with Sam. [chokes on smoothie and coughs it out]

Carly

What?!

Freddie

I'VE GOT A DATE WITH SAM!

T-Bo

You wanna buy a pickle?

Freddie

NO!

Freddie

So, Melanie... you look pretty hot tonight.

Thanks! I love your shirt!

Freddie

No, you don't. Carly said you hate stripes!

Sam hates stripes.

Freddie

How long are you gonna keep this up?! [pushes Melanie on her shoulder] Just admit you're Sam and we can leave!

I would, ow... [rubs her shoulder] ...but I'm not Sam!

Freddie

I can't believe you're doing this.

Why? I like you!

Freddie

You hate me; you always have!

Maybe Sam hates you.

Freddie

You ARE Sam!

Really? Would Sam do this? [kisses Freddie on the lips]

Freddie

You swore we'd never do that again!

I didn't swear anything.

Freddie

[watching Shelby on TV] Okay, how do I get that girl to be my future wife?!

Carly

I thought you wanted me to be your future wife.

Freddie

Could that happen?

Carly

Could not happen.

Freddie

[reading the comments] "That Carly chick is out of her mind." "BRING ON THE FIGHT!!" "Shelby would destroy that twig."

Sam

Twig?

Carly

I'm not a twig! ...And I'm getting' curvier every day!

Freddie

[Staring at her body] I know.

Carly

Eyes up, dude.

Freddie

You're making too big a deal out of this.

Carly

No, I'm dead. Shelby Marx is gonna destroy me.

Sam

Carly--

Carly

Everyone said, "Oh, you should fight Shelby Marx. It'll be fun" WELL IT'S NOT FUN NOW, IS IT?!?! No, now she is so angry she wants to kill me and wants to kick me and punch me in my head until I talk like BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH!

Sam

Well, you shouldn't have been attacked her grandmother!

Carly

I didn’t attack anyone! You started a ruckus with your dumb trash talking idea!

Sam

Hey, do you guys think it'd be possible to give a guy in a garbage can a wedgie?

Nah, not possible. Mm-mm.

Sam

Let's see.

Gibby

No. Sam, don't-- (she does) YEOW! IT'S POSSIBLE! OW, IT'S POSSIBLE! IT'S VERY, VERY POSSIBLE! (Sam stops briefly, looks at him and continues doing it)

Carly

I've gotta fix this.

Freddie

How?

Carly

I'm gonna fight Shelby.

Freddie

You can't! You pushed her grandmother! She's gonna destory you.

Carly

Maybe not if I talk to her.

Spencer

So how was school today?

Carly

IT BLEW UP, OKAY!?

Freddie

[to Shelby] I made you some raisin bread toast.

Sam

Oooh, this is pathetic!

Shelby

Sorry, raisins kinda creeps me out.

Freddie

There you go, raisin-free.

Shelby

You also creep me out...

Carly

What happened tonight? You promised you were gonna go easy on me!

Shelby

You promised it was an accident when you tackled my grandmother.

Carly

It was!

Shelby

Don't lie! I saw a video and heard you and Sam planning to do it!

Carly

What video? We never planned it.

Freddie

Are you dating anyone? [Shelby looks at him, and Sam pulls him away so they can fight]

Shelby

All I know is that some kid came to my gym and played me a video showing you guys at the press conference, talking about how you were gonna push my grandmother down.

Sam

What kid?

Shelby

I don't know! About that tall, our age, round head, Polite but super creepy.

Nevel.

Carly

Now I get it!

Freddie

Nevel must have made a fake video!

Sam

That little nub.

Carly

Maybe he's still here.

Sam

Go check it out!

Freddie

Right! (he and Gibby run off to find Nevel)

Carly

...Nevel's head is kinda round.

Sam

Like a melon.

Carly

Yeah.

Nevel

Okay, Freddie, I'm not scared of you.

Freddie

That's cool. (he shuts the door to the ring and locks it. A light appears that uncloaks Carly)

Carly

Hello, Nevel.

Nevel

I'm not scared of you, either. (after a bit of silence, another light appears that uncloaks Sam)

Sam

'Sup, Nevel?

Nevel

Okay, you I'm scared of.

Carly

Just admit it.

Nevel

Admit what?

Sam

That you tricked Shelby Marx with some fake video.

Carly

That made it look like I meant to tackle her grandmother.

Nevel

(fakes a gasp) I did no such thing. (Sam steps closer to him) Okay! I tricked Shelby! ...So? (a light appears that uncloaks Shelby)

Shelby

Hi, Nevel.

Nevel

Oh, dear. [Carly, Sam and Shelby start to close in on him] Oh, okay... what are you gonna do? Ladies, my pants are very expensive. [view cuts to outside the Seattle Super Center] AAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Freddie

Uh... no hug for the technical producer?

Shelby

Aw, come here, Freddie. [hugs him, too, and he turns the camera, making it show the two standing with each other]

Freddie

[sniffs, and Shelby looks at him suspiciously then walks to Carly and Sam] I'm sorry.

Freddie

Girls who are rude to me don't get a bag of bacon. (holds up bacon)

Sam

(really fast) Whoa, Freddie, I never realized what a hot handsome hunk of boy you really are.

Sam

Dude, it's enormous...

Spencer

I know!

Freddie

It's like 10-Feet tall!

Spencer

Yeah. Its like what you said: 1 10-feet iCarly award.

Carly

NO! We said 10 1-foot iCarly Awardsssss...

Spencer

FREDDIE! FREDDIE!

Freddie

(arrives from upstairs) What is the problem?

Spencer

You said HOT EUROPEAN swimsuit models!

Freddie

Ahhhh, I didn't say they were hot.

Spencer

Yeah, and you didn't say they were DUDES, either!