Carly Shay quotes from iCarly

I saw you kissed his nose.

Carly

Well, yeah, but we're not dating.

Mr. Stern

Let's all get to class.

I'll see you around.

Carly

But it was just a nose kiss! Aw, come on! It was strictly nasal!

Spencer

Alright, don't worry too much about this yet, just... go do your homework or something.

Carly

Kay.

Spencer

I mean... YOU GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY!

Carly

Yes, sir!

Spencer

AND JUST SAY NO!

Carly

Always!

Spencer

AND STAY IN SCHOOL!

Carly

Maybe.

Carly

I wanna stay here in Seattle with Spencer!

Spencer needs to learn how to take care of himself before he can take care of a child.

Carly

I'm not a child! I'm just young and short.

Spencer

Here. [hands Granddad a piece of paper]

What's this?

Spencer

Everything you need to know about taking care of Carly. I've listed all her allergies, the number for poison control...

She has allergies?

Spencer

Yes. These are Carly's favorite foods, drinks, soups and chowders...

Aren't soups and chowders the same thing?

Spencer

No, there's a distinction. This is her homework schedule and a number for a tutor because she's been having a little trouble with science. These are the vitamins that she needs to take everyday. I only give her the ones shaped like dinosaurs.

Why?

Spencer

Dinosaurs are cool. Oh, and she's really into drinking coffee, [whispers] but I always give her decaf without telling her.

Carly

What?

Spencer

[in normal voice] Nothing.

Sam

So... who's gonna take the blame when I put live raccoons in the trunk of Mrs. Briggs' car?

Carly

Will you at least try to stay out of trouble?

Sam

No.

Sam

Oooh can I have this? (iPod)

Carly

I'm leaving, not dying.

Sam

But don't you want something for me to remember you by? Like 500 of your favorite songs?

Carly

Give it!

Sam

I'm just trying to cheer you up.

Carly

You can't cheer me up. I'm moving to Yakima. I'm gonna be a Yakimite. Or Yakimanitian.

Freddie

Yakimaniac.

Sam

[To Freddie] You're yakimannoying.

Freddie

And what did he mean, "You'd rue the day"?

Sam

Yeah, what does rue mean?

Carly

No one knows!

Spencer

I got it, right here. "Roux: A mixture of fats and flour used to make sauces and soups."

Sam

[perplexed] Nevel called you a fat flour?

Carly

Try spelling it differently.

Spencer

Okay, here. "Rue: To regret. To wish that something had never been done."

Sam

Uh-oh.

Freddie

You know what this means.

Carly

Of course. He's gonna make me regret shoving tapenade in his face by trashing iCarly on his stupid website.

Freddie

[shrugs in despair] We're dead.

Carly

[touches her cheek] I'm gonna go scrub his creepy lip residue off my cheek.

Spencer

Hey, why isn't it cold in here? Toasty the Baker. GOOD GOD! [runs to his sculpture along with Sam and Freddie and screams] TOASTY!

Sam

[about Spencer's melted butter sculpture] Gross, it's like a giant baby threw up.

Spencer

WHY?!?!?!?!

Sam

I told you not to turn the heat up!

Freddie

What?! I never even--

Sam

It's too late for apologies.

Freddie

But I didn't turn the--

Spencer

It's OK. It's OK. I just need a mop and a bucket and 20 more pounds of butter!

Spencer.

Spencer

Mrs. Benson. Freddie, your mom's here.

I came over because I heard screaming. Freddie, are you all right?

Freddie

Yes, mom.

Spencer

He's fine. But I really got to

Do you know he's allergic to fruit?

Sam

[sarcastically, to Freddie] Aw, who's got a fruit problem?

Freddie

Not me. I am not allergic to fruit!

Well, what if you were? He'd probably give you an orange and then your face would puff up.

Sam

I would love that.

Spencer

Look, I gave him no fruit. Now, please, I'm out of butter--

False! I saw you come home yesterday carrying grocery bags filled with butter.

Spencer

You spied on me?

No, I just happened to be glancing through my peephole.

Spencer

That butter's gone and so am I.

What have you done with all that butter? Freddie, I want you to take a bubble bath tonight. Spencer!

Spencer

I didn't give him any fruit!

Sam

Cool mom.

Carly

Hey, here comes Sam.

Freddie

Ohh, great! She's gonna see my costume and insult me nineteen different ways.

Sam

Too easy.

Carly

Well, we're sorry we went in here without permission. But when we saw this furniture…

Sam

We thought it was too old and gross for anyone to actually use.

Freddie

Okay, wait. Something still doesn't make sense. Why did Lewbert tell us that no one lived here?

Cause I'm a jerk! Ha, ha, ha, I got you kids good! Score one for Lewbert! Happy Hannukah!

Carly

Halloween.

Sam

And this is Carly's brother, Spencer.

Carly

Any words for our viewers before we sign off?

Spencer

[to camera] Never forget to buy candy on Halloween.

Carly

Freddie?

Freddie

Yeah?

Carly

Am I hallucinating, or are we surrounded by 2,000 Randy Jacksons?

Freddie

[nods his head] Why does Ms. Briggs have all this stuff?

Carly

I don't know. I guess if you're gonna be obsessed with an American Idol judge, you might as well pick one that's firm but fair.

Freddie

Now, I'm going to show you the latest piece of equipment that's going to blow you guys away.

Carly

What is it?

Sam

You buy yourself a robot girlfriend?

Freddie

I don't need a robot girlfriend. Because in 20 years, I guarantee you, I will be Carly's second husband.

Carly

What happened to my first husband?

Freddie

Nothing you can prove.

Carly

What did you get?

Freddie

It's a teeny video camera disguised as a piece of pie! [takes out a giant plastic piece of pie with a very conspicuous camera lens on it. Carly and Sam laugh]

Sam

Yeah, who wouldn't that fool?

Freddie

It looks real.

Carly

Yeah. Like a real piece of pie with a camera lens on the side!

Sam

Look, it comes with a giant fork! [holds up the fork]

Freddie

Give it! [snatches fork back] This is a quality piece of spy equipment!

Sam

My Aunt Maggie's boobs look more real than that. And they're ridiculous.

Freddie

[waving his arms to shoo the bee away] Hey, go away! Get out of here!

Carly

It's just a bee.

Freddie

You don't understand; I am extremely allergic to bees! Get out of here, you stupid bee! I think he wants my pie!

Carly

That is a stupid bee. [Freddie hands Carly the fake pie, runs, falls over, gets up and runs for the entrance to Ms. Briggs' house to flee from the bee] Where are you going?

Freddie

I can't get stung! [he goes inside]

Carly

Are you insane?! Get out of Ms. Briggs' apartment! You can't just... [the bee continues to fly all around her as she waves her arms to get the bee to fly away] Get away! It's a fake pie! Can't you see the big lens on the side?! [she drops the pie and runs inside] It's a fake pie!

Sam

Come here, Freddie!

Freddie

Leave me alone, Sam! Sam? What are you gonna--? [Sam pushes Freddie out of the room. He crawls to the other room, while Carly and Sam follow him. He gets up] That was assault!

Carly

Why are you quitting iCarly?

Sam

Yeah, why?

Freddie

Well, 'cause-- 'Cause maybe I don't like the way Sam treats me!

Carly

Oh, come on.

Freddie

Yeah, she's always putting me down, and calling me mean names, and every time I get an ice cream cone, she takes it and she licks it! She just licks it all over the place, just to bug me!

Carly

Great. Now what's the real reason?

Freddie

Okay. Valerie wants to do a web show, and she asked me to be her tech producer.

Sam

So you're just gonna ditch iCarly for another web show?

Carly

That's competing against us?

Freddie

Valerie's my girlfriend. What am I supposed to do?

Sam

[bluntly] Dump the chick! How about that?

Freddie

You know, you guys were the ones who talked me into going out with her in the first place, and now I'm the bad guy?

Sam

Look, Freddie, you better just--

Carly

Stop. He's right. He should help his girlfriend.

Freddie

Thanks. And I wasn't gonna leave you guys with no help. I got you guys a new tech producer. If you want him.

Sam

Who?

Freddie

He's really good with the tech stuff.

Sam

Who?