Carly Shay quotes from iCarly

Carly

[looking at her PearPhone and pacing around] Uh, Freddie said he was almost done three hours ago. Why isn't he back with the... [looks at Sam filling butter in her buttersock] What is that?

Carly

[to T-Bo] You're T-banned!

Carly

[to Sam as she destroys Carly's apartment looking for her laptop] I know you wanna find your laptop, but you're kinda destroying my house.

Carly, get in here right now. [snaps her fingers, and Carly Shay enters]

Principal Franklin

Have a seat. [she does] So... I understand you put some flyers up all over the school.

Carly

Yes, I did.

[to Carly; angrily] Why would you photo dock my head onto the body of a rhinoceros?

Carly

Well, I--

Principal Franklin

Rhinoceros? Oh, no, no, no. She made you a hippopotamus.

Carly

No, no. She's a rhinoceros. A hippo has fatter thighs and a wider snout.

[screaming gibberish] WHAT DOES IT MATTER? [quietly] I think we should call her father into discuss this.

Carly

Um, my dad's stationed in Europe right now.

Principal Franklin

[to Ms. Briggs] He's in the military.

Well, there must be some adult in charge of her.

Carly

My older brother, Spencer.

Oh, yes. The artist.

Carly

He's a great artist.

Principal Franklin

Look, we don't need to call her brother in about this. I'm sure that you can come up with a suitable punishment.

Fine. You know, Carly, I am in charge of the talent show this year.

Carly

Yeah, you're holding auditions on Saturday.

No. You are.

Carly

Huh?!

I will be enjoying my Saturday while you videotape the auditions for me.

Carly

No! I'm going to see Cuddlefish play live at the Hawthorne on Saturday.

[calmly] Not anymore.

Carly

AW, COME ON!

[sternly] It's what you get for turning me into a hippopotamus.

Carly

Rhinoceros.

[yelling] GET OUT!!!

Carly

Right!

Carly

Okay, Jeb. You ready to audition?

Yeah. I will be performing a scene from a French play called La Ou Est Ma Femme.

Sam

Okay...

Carly

We don't know what that means, but knock us out. Rolling?

Freddie

Uh... rolling.

[clears throat; French accent] BUT, BUT, WHERE DID SHE GO?! I DON'T KNOW! BUT WHEN WILL SHE BE BACK?!? I DON'T KNOW!! WELL, WHERE CAN I FIND HER!?! I TELL YA, I DO NOT KNOW!!!

Carly

Okay!

Sam

Nice job!

Sam

What'd you think?

Carly

[French accent] I DON'T KNOW!

Sam

[French accent] YOU DON'T KNOW?!?

Carly

[French accent] I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!!

Sam

[French accent] BUT YOU MUST KNOW!!!

Carly

[French accent] HOW CAN I KNOW WHEN I DO NOT KNOW!!!???

Sam

[French accent] I DON'T KNOW!!!!

Sam

See the view count? Only 27 people have clicked on it.

Carly

Oh. Okay, good. [looks closely at the view count and notices it reads "27K", which means 27,000, instead of 27; in tranquil fury] Sam?

Sam

Yeah?

Carly

[shrieking] THAT'S 27,000!!!

Freddie

AAAHHHH!! QUIT IT, SAM! LET GO OF MY FOOT! TOO MUCH FRICTION! LET GO! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!

Carly

WHY'D YOU FILM US AT THE AUDITIONS TODAY?

Freddie

Oh, 'cause you guys were being funny.

Sam

Well, you shouldn't have put us online without our permission!!!

Freddie

I didn't! I edited you guys out before I uploaded the auditions.

Carly

No, you did the opposite of that.

Freddie

It says, "At your request, this video will be removed..."

Carly

Oh, good.

Sam

Finally!

Freddie

"...tomorrow morning."

Carly

Aw, man!

Sam

Freddie?!

Carly

You know how many more thousands of people could view it by then?!

Freddie

Alright! Look, before you get all freaked out, SplashFace has message boards.

Carly

So?

Freddie

So, let's see what people are saying about the video. Um... okay, here's one: "Carly, you and your friend Sam crack me up... FUNNY STUFF!"

Carly

Ok so one person liked the video.

Freddie

Wait...! SlackerBoy314 writes: "Carly and Sam, you chicks are HILARIOUS! When's your next show???" And this kid says: "You guys are way better than most of the PUKE here on SplashFace."

Sam

Wow... they love us.

Carly

Yeah. More than puke.

Carly

Hey there, people of Earth! I'm Carly Shay, and this is our very first webcast of a little show we call iCarly!

Sam

She's Carly!

Carly

She's Sam!

Sam

Sam I am!

Carly

Carly, Sam.

Sam

I think they're clear.

Carly

Demonstrate the thing.

Sam

Oh, yeah. [presents her signature remote] With this item provided by our dorky friend Freddie...

Freddie

THAT'S DISRESPECTFUL!

Sam

We can do this... [plays applause noises] And this... [plays groaning noises] And this. [plays rock music as she and Carly dance around]

Carly

Which is why I say the potato is superior to the sports bra.

Sam

And if you don't believe us, try making French fries out of a sports bra!

Freddie

What's that?

Carly

Soggy banner. Our plans to get more viewers didn't go too well.

Sam

Yeah, like how the Titanic staying afloat didn't go too well.

Carly

Come on, maybe a few people read our sign... Before the rain ruined all our hard work and made us sad.

Sam

Yeah. We could still win.

Freddie

Yeah, I don't think so. I think me and Spencer are gonna win, and you two are gonna have to touch Lewbert's wart. I feel bad for you, Carly. Not for you.

Carly

Well done, Spencer. You, too, Freddie.

Freddie

Thank you, Carly. In your face, Sam.

Spencer

Carly, Sam, Freddie. You cannot believe how awesome this sign looks from out here. It is so dazzlingly bright, I swear it's like-- [car crashes]

Carly

What's going on out there, Spencer?

Spencer

Well, it seems our sign is so bright and dazzling, it distracted one of the drivers below. [car crashes] Actually, two of the drivers-- [another car crashes] Three of the dr-- [many cars crash] Literally, many of the drivers below are being distracted by our extremely dazzling sign.

Freddie

Quick. Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Spencer

Oh, okay. I will now turn off the sign. [pushes button, but the sign starts flickering instead of turning off]

Freddie

That's not off!

Carly

Spencer.

Sam

Dude!

Spencer

Oh, man, I am pressing the buttons! Literally, all of them, trying to turn off the sign.

Freddie

You're gonna overload the circuits!

Sam

"Pee on Carl"?

Carly

Turn that off!

Spencer

I am trying! It's the stupid cars! [hear car tires screeching] Don't look at the sign! Stop beholding the si-- [hears a crunch] I stepped on my taco!

[of the multiple boys in the apartment Carly/Spencer will end up dancing with in a dream] I don't know what's going on here... but I think I like it.

Sam

Tell me everything!

Carly

He said we should hang out some time! [Girlish screams; teacher walks by and she speaks in a fake tone] Actually, I feel that teachers should give us more homework.

Sam

Yes. More homework and more discipline.

Carly

Yes, discipline is a priority in...

Carly

When it comes to the part when Jake was supposed to sing, we'll just improvise and talk about something funny.

Sam

Like Freddie's haircut.

Freddie

[singsong voice] I heard that!

Sam

[singsong voice] You were supposed to!