How I Met Your Mother quotes

Marshall

You're gonna return that ashtray and you gonna pray he doesn't press charges because I can't be in a marriage while one of us is in prison! I know that we roleplay conjugal visits a lot, but I can't do that for realsies.

Lily

I'm sorry, all rulings are final. I am not taking it back.

Marshall

Oh my God. Lily, what is the big deal? Yeah so what, someone said you're just a kindergarten teacher. Why do you let that bother you?

Lily

[tears] Because he was right, I am just a kindergarten teacher and yes, I have a degree in art history and I was meant to do something with it, but I didn't. Somewhere along the line, I forgot to pursue my dream and now I'm old and I'm a mom and it's just too late for me.

Marshall

Lily, it's okay.

Lily

It's just too late...

Marshall

[calms her down] Nonono, it's not too late. It's not too late. You're gonna quit your job tomorrow, and you're gonna, you're gonna go back and pick up right where you left off with that art stuff. And then you know what? I'm gonna find Shelly, and I'mma punch her in the face. Yeah, I'mma punch a girl. Run away. I promise you. Your best and your most exciting days are all ahead of you.

Lily

I love you so much for saying that, but there get's to be a point in life where that it just stops being true. I'm sorry I stole this. [sees ashtray] I'll return it first thing in the morning.

Robin

You really think this is just about a book Barney? You lied to me, and if we're gonna be in a marriage and trust each other, you can't lie to me. Ever.

Barney

Really, well that's just great, because in case you haven't noticed, these last eight years, lying is what I do best. [Begins pulling out various magic tricks] I'm a magician, Robin. Misdirection and deceit are my stock and trade. You don't want me to lie to you? Lies are the reason that we're together. Every single thing I did to you to get you to say "Yes" to me on that rooftop - Patrice, the false engagement, everything - it was all utter malarkey, but underneath ... all of those lies is one true thing - one true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world and that's the fact that I love you, and you know that when I say that, I'm not lying.

Ted

Jeannette, this is great. We're back together, you're coming to Barney and Robin's wedding. I found two wine glasses you didn't smash. Call me crazy, but I got a feeling that from hereon out it will be blue skies and -

What THE HELL... [shows Playbook] IS THIS?!?!?!

Lily

Where is it?

Riker's Island. The artist is serving two consecutive life sentences for aggravated homicide. I'm willing to go as high as six cartons of cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.

Barney

You turned them down?

Robin

Yeah, if I ask you to change too many things about yourself, you're not gonna be the man I fell in love with. Turns out I accept and appreciate even the grossest, creepiest, most sociopathic parts of you.

Barney

Sounds like somebody just wrote her vows. [kisses Robin]

Robin

It's my usual!

Marshall

Immaterial! If it's gonna be named after anybody, it should be the Marshall Eriksen.

Robin

Sorry, it's the Robin Scherbatsky, read it and weep.

Marshall

So you're gonna Zuckerberg me? Alright, you're Zuckerberging me? It's fine, I'll see you in court, a little court called the dance floor. Dance-off now!

Lily

No, no dancing. Marshall, we've been through this. The doctor said your dancer's hip is worse than ever, you have to lay off dancing for a while.

Marshall

You're killing me, Lily!!! You're killing me! I'm an adult, you have to let me dance my own battles.

Ted

I think I'm gonna head home.

Barney

I understand

Ted

What, you're not gonna try and stop me?

Ted

I don't know , by telling me life is short, and if you ever come across a beautiful, exciting, crazy moment in it you gotta seize it while you can before that moment's gone?

Kids, it's been almost 20 years since that cold April night in 2013, and I could safely tell you, if I could go back in time, and relive that night, there's no way in hell I'd go to Robots vs. Wrestlers. No, I'd go home. I'd go to my old apartment, see all my old furniture and stuff. I'd see my old drafting table, where I sketched out my first building. I'd sit on that old couch, and smell the Indian food cooking three stories below. I'd go to Lily and Marshall's place, back in that old living room where where so many things happened. I'd see the baby. I don't know if you can picture me holding your six foot seven cousin Marvin over my head, but back then I could. I'd go have a drink with Barney and Robin, watch them fight about their caterer, or whatever it was they were fighting about that night. But none of those things is the thing I'd do first. You know the thing I'd do first.

Ted

Hi, I'm Ted Mosby. In exactly 45 days from now, you and I are gonna meet and are gonna fall in love, and we're gonna get married and we're gonna have two kids. We're gonna love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away, but I'm here now I guess because ... I want this extra 45 days with you. I want each one of them - and if I can't have them, I'll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face, because ... I love you. I'm always gonna love you to the end of my days, and beyond. You'll see.

Barney

Oh I see - and you'd know this because you know Robin better than I do? You know what she appreciates better than her own fiance.

Ted

I'm just saying if I was getting married in three weeks -

Barney

But you're not getting married in three weeks Ted, I am. Robin's marrying me, not you.

Ted

You're right, not my place. Why don't I get the next round.

Marshall

[subtitles while repeating Italian sentence] Come on, maybe the only sentence I know is "come on bro, don't Bogart all the Funyuns," but I know in my heart that you understand me anyway. Because no one I know has better understood anyone better than you and I understand each other. Is this trip going to be scary? Yes. Do I like the idea of not knowing the language? Of course not, but I believe we can do this. I love you, Lily. I love you.

Lily

I love you. [kisses Marshall] So, we're going to Italy!

Marshall

Si! You may not know this yet, but I've already done some shopping.

Hey Barney, it's Ralph. Listen, it's my pleasure to-

Barney

NOO!! I hate Ralph Macchio! I hate him, hate him, hate him! He is NOT the Karate Kid! The Karate Kid was William Zabka, star pupil of the Cobra Kai dojo, whom this monster defeated with a cheap, illegal head kick, in the most hauntingly tragic film ending of all time.

[To Lily] Oh, I thought you meant "fun" crazy.

Robin

I just tore your mom away from a living version of a Nick Nolte mugshot and put her in a cab home. Thank you for abandoning me on what has been one of the worst nights of my life.

Quinn

[approaches Barney] So it's my usual fee, plus I always charge an extra hundred for girl-on-clown action.

Robin

What the hell is she doing here?

Barney

Robin I swear, nothing happened.

That means it's just hand stuff.

Barney

[tries to break up Robin and Quinn] Stop, stop, stop!

Robin

Sorry. Barney, this is unforgivable. [takes off and throws ring back at him] It's over. [leaves]

Quinn

[picks up ring] You know, I never got to do that. [throws ring at him and leaves]

Lily

Ted, if this means so much to you, why don't you just take it for yourself?

Ted

No, it's important that you keep it.

Marshall

Why?

Ted

This is the first thing we bought when we moved here after college. It was the only piece of furniture we had for a week, and now you two are moving to Italy. What if our friendship doesn't pass the "Have you used it in a year?" test? If you can throw out this chair, who's to say you can't throw me out too?

Marshall

That could never happen.

Lily

You're not a chair, you are our best friend.

Ted

You can say that, but a lot can change in a year.

Robin

This is a sign from the universe.

Ted

It's not a sign from the universe.

Robin

Yes it is! The locket, it's gone and you tell me that doesn't mean anything? You know this is a bad omen, Ted. You're Universe Guy.

Ted

And you're Skeptic Girl! You're not supposed to believe any of that.

Robin

Maybe I've grown skeptical of being skeptical. This is a sign!

Ted

It's not a sign, you're doing the right thing marrying Barney. The universe isn't sending you some message! [begins to rain] As we know from science, rain is liquid water in the form of droplets which have condensed from atmospheric vapor and precipitated - it's not a sign!

Robin

Ted, this is a sign and you know it! I mean the universe is screaming at me right now and how can you of all people tell me to ignore that?

Ted

Because maybe it's dumb to look for signs from the universe, maybe the universe has better things to do - and dear God, I hope it does. Do you know how many signs I've gotten, how I should and shouldn't be with someone? Where has it gotten me? Maybe there aren't any signs. Maybe a locket's just a locket; a chair's just a chair. Maybe we don't have to give meaning to every little thing. Maybe we don't need the universe to tell us what we really want. Maybe we already know that. Deep down. [Robin holds his hand]

Lily

Why would you move to Chicago?

Ted

Because it's the perfect town for me. I-it's like a Clevelandy New York and don't act like you haven't noticed. My hair excels in the wind. Besides, you're moving to Rome.

Lily

Yeah for a year and when we get back, we need you to be here waiting for us, hopefully in this house with your future bride.

Ted

What future bride?

Lily

The girl. She's out there walking around New York City right now, probably in a pair of really cute boots that she's gonna let me borrow whenever I want because we're the same size. She's out there, Ted.

Ted

Is she, really? Because I've looked. I've looked high and low for someone I can love and adore and cook waffles for. The closest I've come is Marshall.

Lily

He does love your waffles.

Ted

It's the cinnamon. I add cinnamon. She's not in New York. Maybe in Chicago.