[Downs drink] I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have to help me talk her out of it.
A speech to talk a girl out of sex...
...yeah I don't have any of those.
Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.
Please? I'm her older sister; I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.
LilyIt's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.
That's why I need your help!
[Marshall and Lily castigate Barney for describing his first time to have sex with a girl, which seems familiar to Lily]
Lily
That's Dirty Dancing!
No, it was two nights ago. "She's Like the Wind" has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!
[picks up dart] Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!
Hey, that new dart is great!
I did not know you were such a fan of "newdart", Barney!
Oh yes, Robin, I just love "newdart"...”nude art". "Nude art"!
[Barney, Robin, and Ted laugh.]
Okay, all right, so what, you guys found the painting, huh?!?
Lily
I knew this day would come.
Lily
Because I didn't hide it very well.
So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Lily
Sartorial?
Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. [In a high-pitched voice] What up? [Raises his hand in anticipation for a high-five]
[Everybody walks past Barney except Marshall, who giggles and gives him a high-five]
[Lily is panicking because the Fiero's brakes are too strong, the inertia splattered their takeout food all over the interior.]
Shut up! Now listen to me. The clock is ticking. Okay, first thing: we scoop up all these little pieces of tofu and cabbage. Next, what we need to take care of are the messy parts; the pools that have collected. We gotta soak that soup up. Last...is the smell. We gotta cover up that Tam Kuk Gai. You mentioned cigars?
Lily
There's two in the glove compartment, but he's been saving...
Hand me those chopsticks.
[5 minutes later, Robin and Lily are smoking cigars]
Mmm, hey, how 'bout some tunes? [500 Miles by The Proclaimers starts playing] Ohh, great song!
[Lily shudders]
Lily
These cigars aren't helping at all.
[grinning] Yeah, this was a terrible idea.
Lily
Uggh, now it just smells like a...homeless guy threw up in here.
[Robin stares at her in amazement; Lily looks back at her. They have their alibi.]
[flash to present]
Lily
We had to make it look realistic!
Well why did you break two of them?
Uhhh...it looked like fun when she did it so I wanted to try.
I can't believe this whole time it was you guys; I've been blaming Really Tan Dancing Leotard guy.
Lily
So instead of an acoustic guitar, we're having a harp player. My mother owes someone money, and his daughter plays the harp.
Is she hot? Because then I can cross "harp player" off my list.
I'm not telling you how many pages my list has. I'm not crass.
Lily
It doesn't matter anyway, because she's pregnant.
Good. That way I can cross two things off my list.
Lily
We should come up with a whole new last name.
Oh, that's easy; Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily
Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Hey have you met the Awesomes? Lily, Marshall, their son Totally, and their daughter Freaking?
Okay, new scenario: We're caught in a car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses come in with a 6-pack of wine coolers. I try to blink at them in Morse code. [bats eyes] Please... no... I love my dead wife. But they're medical professionals and I have to assume they're saving my life.
Lily
Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.
[Muttering] Already did this morning.
What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...
TVTed [voiceover]
But she's afraid of commitment.
LVLily [voiceover]
But she's a gun nut.
BVBarney [voiceover]
But she's... Canadian.
MVMarshall [voiceover]
But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.
AAll
I can't think of anything.
WWoman
Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.
MTMarshall, Ted, Robin and Lily
OOOOHH!!! [stand up suddenly from the couch in disgust]
Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!
Lily
... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby.
Lily
I don't think now is the right time to buy.
But we're not doing this for now; we're doing this for our future. Can't you imagine starting a family here?
[Lily imagines painting with her two daughters.]
Lily
Oh, Persephone, oh Daphne, these will make great additions to our up-and-coming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.
[enters in a turtleneck, carrying a dog and crêpes au chocolat] Looks great, girls. Who wants crêpes au chocolat?
LPLily, Persephone, & Daphne
Merci, Papa!
How I Met Your Mother · 439 quotes
