Lily Aldrin quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Marshall

[looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.

Robin

For who, a witch building a house in the forest?

Marshall

Sugar helps me study.

Barney

This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.

Lily

Who leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?

Barney

[Sarcastically] Oh, and your mom was perfect.

Ted

So I just got off the phone with Kathy. God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now. ...See it now? ...Smell it? What is it? I left the table for two minutes. What could she possibly have done in that time that was so horrible? Was it -

Ted

I'll be back in one second.

One time, in tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me. He's still in jail.

Ted

Or maybe...

Ted

I'll be back in a second.

So I volunteered at the pound.

Lily

Oh isn't that nice!

You can't imagine the rush you get from killing an unwanted puppy. I make bracelets out of the collars. [shows her bracelet]

Ted

Or...

Ted

I'll be back in one second.

I bet he's going to the urinal. Yeah, I remember when I had a penis.

Barney

Hey, check it out. We're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing!

Lily

Barney, put it away.

Barney

How does it feel, Marshall? To sit there impotently, your large, flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?

The slap will occur in ten-

Barney

Ooh, classy touch, dude. TOO BAD!

Lily

Barney, put it away!

Barney

I will. In [counts with the computer] five, four-

Lily

[to Marshall] You can slap him.

Barney

What?? Wait, you-

Two, one.

Marshall

That's three!

Lily

We're not gonna date them, we're just gonna be friends with them.

Barney

That's the couple's version of dating.

Robin

And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. You wanna have brunch with them, you wanna go to Pottery Barn with them, you wanna go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you wanna antique the crap out of them.

Ted

[Flashes his butterfly tattoo.] Say goodbye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer.

Lily

Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?

Barney

There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.

Robin

Of course there are.

Barney

Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.

Lily

You can not be more evil.

Barney

Sorry five. Recently widowed.

Lily

How did you two meet?

I was in her video. Once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg, everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.

Robin

"Starred in it" is more like it!

Barney

Excuse me. I've seen "Let's Go to the Mall" about a thousand times, and, you, sir, are not in it.

I was in the other one.

Barney

There's another video?! [Barney runs out of the bar]

Stella

How long's it been for you?

Ted

It's been a while.

Stella

Tell me. [Ted shows full palm] Me too!

Ted

It's been five months for you, too? [Stella is open-mouthed]

[at flat] FIVE YEARS!??!

Marshall

Just a burger? Just a burger. Robin, it's so much more than "just a burger." I mean...that first bite -- oh, what heaven that first bite is! The bun, like a sesame freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below, flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then... a pickle! The most playful little pickle! Then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce and a...a patty of ground beef so exquisite, swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savor so delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God, speaking to us through food.

Lily

And you got our wedding vows off the internet?

Robin

Wait, whoa, what damage did I cause?

Marshall

Remember that night where you drank the twelver of Molson and got all "Super Canadian"?

Robin

[holding a hockey stick] Stanley Cup. Game six, eh? The Rangers are aboot to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks.

Marshall

Hey hey Robin, I'll give you twenty bucks if you can shoot it through the front door.

Robin

Oh! You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log! Tally Ho! [tries to shoot the puck through the door]

Lily

[grabs the puck] No. That's it, Robin. Gimme the stick!

Robin

I'll give you summer teeth... Some are here, some are there.

Lily

Robin, give me the stick!

Robin

Take off, [shoves Lily] hoser!

Lily

Alright, that's it!

Marshall

Go America!

Ted

Alright, alright! Break it up! BREAK IT UP!

Barney

Te-ed, no! You never break up a girl fight! NEVER!! [punches a hole in the wall and storms out]

Marshall

There's no meat.

Lily

There's no alcohol.

Marshall

It gets worse--I am 90% sure that guy you were talking with used to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.

Marshall

Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true!

Ted

Well, that's her business.

Barney

Come on Ted, she left you at the altar! [gang begins arguing until Lily notices the taxi]

Lily

Wa-wait, where's she going? Her cab just missed the turn to the Lincoln Tunnel.

Robin

Why would anybody buy take-out food and take it all the way back to New Jersey, anyway?

Ted

She's going to her office.

Marshall

No. [recounts restaurant order scene] The waiter asked her, "And you need utensils?" She said, "No, I'll just take them straight home."

Ted

And if she's going home, why are we still heading to- oh my God. Tony lives downtown. 'Home' is Tony's apartment. She was gonna make me move to New Jersey, and she's moving into the city WITH TONY?!? Son of a bitch! [Gang cheers him on]

Marshall

Finally, finally, buddy.

Ted

I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!

Marshall

I know, I know, and I love it! [Ted rips off window crank] Yeah, that is awesome! [to taxi driver] Sir, we'd be happy to cover the cost of that window crank! I love angry Ted!

Ted

So do I!

Lily

Fort Lager Dale, get it?

Marshall

Minne Cider, get it?

Lily

Aspen Yards Ale, get it?

Marshall

Actually, no.

Lily

Me neither. I was hoping you would.

Lily

Wow. You had more fans than I thought.

Ted

And only about 60% of them are prison inmates.

Robin

What are these guys thinking? I am WAY past my "dating prisoners" phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.

Ted

[as Doctor X] Doctor X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location, 'cause if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down.

Marshall

[listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool!

Ted

Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is.

Lily

How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche?

Ted

That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu.

[cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway?

Ted

Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec. [resumes Doctor X spiel] Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...

Marshall

[in present day] If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot...