Lily Aldrin quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Marshall

I want to give you the package.

Lily

The package? You've already given me the package. You've got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.

Marshall

Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.

Lily

Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but you've got a huge package!

Do you have a fiancée?

Lily

Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancée.

Robin

Oh no, I don't have a fiancée.

Then who do you live with?

Robin

Well, actually, I've got five dogs.

Don't you get lonely?

Robin

No, I've got five dogs.

My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.

Robin

Well, yeah, that's cats, I'm not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady – does anybody else have questions?

Are you a lesbian?

Robin

NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. [mumbles] Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.

Ted

You're getting on board with Barney's idea. Man, you really have snapped!

Lily

It's nine weeks 'til the wedding. I'd say "yes" to just about anything.

Barney

[saunters to Lily] Well...

Lily

No, Barney.

Robin

[She and Lily come out in fancy dresses] All right, what do you think?

Barney

[Looks up] Horrible.

Lily

You're gonna make such a great dad.

Barney

You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home." Now ladies...SLUT UP!

Be careful, the plate is very hot!

Ted

Oh go on, touch it.

Lily

[touches the plate] Ahh! Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!

Lily

There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And damn it, I made no mistakes. I've done all of this: my life, my relationship, my career mistakes-free. Does any of this make sense to you?

Ted

I don't know, you said 'mistake' a lot.

Marshall

So that's it? We're breaking up?

Lily

Marshall, I'm sorry. I just, I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out who I am outside of us, and the only way I can do that is if...if we don't talk for a while.

Marshall

For a while. Try never, okay? You walk out of that door, and we're done. You're never going to hear my voice again! [segue to Marshall talking to Ted] I should call her.

Ted

No, no, if you call her when she asks you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face.

Marshall

You're a good friend, Ted.

The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own special remedy.

Morning, guys! What can I getcha?

Lily

Shhhhh..... bring me the dirtiest, greasiest Tuna Melt you got. And a milkshake.

For you, sir?

Ted

Uggh.... gravy.

Do you want that gravy on something?

Ted

...Surprise me.

Robin

I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here, heehee! Just kidding, I'm good!

Lily

What are you so chirpy about?

Ted

She's still drunk from last night.

Robin

I don't think so! [looks around, then shakes her chest] WOOOO!

Lily

Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.

Barney

[Points to wall] See that wall? [Turns on TV] 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!

Lily

It hurts my eyes...

Barney

Yeah, that doesn't go away.

Lily

[about Ted's boss, who has designed a building resembling a penis] I can't believe how Mr Druthers treats people, and that building? Talk about overcompensating.

Ted

He's not usually this bad. It's just that his partners have made it clear that this project is make or break for us, so lately, he's been testy. [Lily and Robin smirk] You know what I mean, crotchety. [Lily and Robin begin to laugh] I'm just saying, it's been hard on him. [Lily and Robin laugh harder] All right, stop.

Robin

Did you show Lily your design?

Ted

No.

Lily

What design?

Ted

It's nothing.

Robin

It's fantastic. Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design, and it doesn't look at all like male genitalia...at least, not healthy male genitalia.

Lily

You should pitch your building to Druthers.

Ted

Are you kidding? He's Hammond Druthers! He's a legend -- I'm just part of his team. This building is huge for the firm, so it's important that we don't blow it. [Lily and Robin collapse laughing] All right, enough!

Marshall

Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.

Aaww..I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!

Lily

Really!?

Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.

Lily

Oh, so can we see a judge?

Absolutely!

Lily

Really?

Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.

Marshall

[clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us?

Because you're on CANDID CAMERA!

Robin

Really?

Is what I would say--

Marshall

You know what? We get it.

Lily

This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!!

Marshall

That's YOU?

Robin

Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.

Lily

So, just to be clear...you want us to go to the mall...today?

Barney

OK, here's my thing - if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like... now everyone gets manicures.

Ted

Yeah... I don't get manicures.

Barney

OK, then, like, how... like getting your chest waxed.

Lily

[gasping] Oh! You get your chest waxed?

Barney

[annoyed] You know what I mean! Gay marriage is going to cause single life as we know it to die out. Think of how the American family will be strengthened!

Ted

I'm sorry, but i'm not apologizing! Look-I was just trying to put the guy back together. You smashed him to pieces!

Lily

Are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message?!

Ted

NO!

Lily

Why not?!

Ted

BECAUSE, Lily, this summer you were KIND OF A GRINCH!

Oooooooohhhhhhh.

[coldly] You'll be sorry, Ted Mosby.

Barney

Ted Vivian Mosby!

Ted

That's not my middle name.

Barney

You kiss your mother with that mouth?!

Ted

Like you've never said that word.

Barney

I don't kiss your mother with my mouth. Yet...

Ted

Are you sick?

Barney

Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?

Ted

No, I meant do you have a cold?

Barney

I'm fine. [blows his nose; Ted and Robin look at him] I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. If you'll excuse me, holiday is the time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Lily

Oh, shut up. You think I don't know your fake apologies by now, Ted Mosby? You're clearly still mad at me.

Ted

I'm not mad at you.

Lily

Yes you are.

Ted

[seething] I am NOT mad at you Lily, now can we please just...

Lily

I've apologized to Marshall and he's forgiven me, and we've moved past it. Why can't you?

Ted

Because you've never apologized to me. Marshall's not the only one you walked out on. You leave for three months, you don't even call? Come on, Lily we're supposed to be friends!

Lily

Yeah, some friend, you called me a Grinch!

Ted

You were a grinch!

Lily

How can you...

Ted

Grinchy, grinch grinch grinch, grinch grinch grinch.

Lily

Happy?! Now you've pissed off the big guy upstairs.

Ted

Yeah, i'm sure God cares if I-

You use that language again, and i'll turn off your water!