Robin Scherbatsky quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Ted

You're not... Moby, are you?

Who?

Robin

The recording artist, Moby.

Oh, no.

Barney

Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?

Oh, I thought you said Tony.

Ted

So your name's Tony?

No.

Barney

[in the laser tag arena] Don't be a hero, Scherbatsky!

Robin

See you on the other side.

[Charging] Yaahhhhh!

Barney

Damn! ...You wanna get a soft pretzel?

Robin

Yeah.

Victoria

I've only had two boyfriends before Ted.

Robin

Prude alert!

Victoria

Well, two serious ones. I've dated others in between.

Robin

Slut alert!

Do you have a fiancée?

Lily

Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fiancée.

Robin

Oh no, I don't have a fiancée.

Then who do you live with?

Robin

Well, actually, I've got five dogs.

Don't you get lonely?

Robin

No, I've got five dogs.

My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.

Robin

Well, yeah, that's cats, I'm not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady – does anybody else have questions?

Are you a lesbian?

Robin

NO, ARE YOU? Jeez. [mumbles] Every woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.

Sandy Rivers

[to Robin] We should have sex.

Robin

What?

Rivers

Why not? We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. At least I'm good at it, and even if you're not, don't worry. I'll have a good time either way.

Robin

Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don't get involved with people I work with.

Rivers

Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex. Having sex is fun! [he gives her his card and their news show starts] Phone number, call me anytime. [reads teleprompter] A lot of teams in action tonight...

Robin

[She and Lily come out in fancy dresses] All right, what do you think?

Barney

[Looks up] Horrible.

Lily

You're gonna make such a great dad.

Barney

You look so classy and nice, you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the Ashlee and the Lindsay and the Paris? They all dress like strippers. It's, "Go ho or go home." Now ladies...SLUT UP!

Ted

Robin! Hey! Robin! Oh, thank God you're here!

Robin

My camping trip got rained out!

Ted

I know, I'm sorry.

Robin

It's not your fault.

Ted

Yeah, it is. Come down here.

Robin

But it's pouring! You come up!

Ted

No, you have to come down here!

Robin

Why?

Ted

Why? Because I MADE IT RAIN! That's what I did today! And that's enough! I..I've done my part, now get down here!

Robin

I'm not dressed, Ted! Come up!

Ted

I'm not coming up there, Robin. I'm not. You have to come down here!

Robin

I was gonna...

Ted

I know. [Ted and Robin kiss]

Robin

This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating. We agreed we don't want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.

Barney

Have you tried breast feeding? Nailed it!

Ted

Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.

Robin

You're on.

Ted

Five American bucks.

Robin

Damn it!

The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own special remedy.

Morning, guys! What can I getcha?

Lily

Shhhhh..... bring me the dirtiest, greasiest Tuna Melt you got. And a milkshake.

For you, sir?

Ted

Uggh.... gravy.

Do you want that gravy on something?

Ted

...Surprise me.

Robin

I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here, heehee! Just kidding, I'm good!

Lily

What are you so chirpy about?

Ted

She's still drunk from last night.

Robin

I don't think so! [looks around, then shakes her chest] WOOOO!

Ted

Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.

Robin

I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.

Ted

Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.

Robin

What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.

Barney

The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.

Robin

Oh come on. She's desperate.

Barney

Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.

Lily

[about Ted's boss, who has designed a building resembling a penis] I can't believe how Mr Druthers treats people, and that building? Talk about overcompensating.

Ted

He's not usually this bad. It's just that his partners have made it clear that this project is make or break for us, so lately, he's been testy. [Lily and Robin smirk] You know what I mean, crotchety. [Lily and Robin begin to laugh] I'm just saying, it's been hard on him. [Lily and Robin laugh harder] All right, stop.

Robin

Did you show Lily your design?

Ted

No.

Lily

What design?

Ted

It's nothing.

Robin

It's fantastic. Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design, and it doesn't look at all like male genitalia...at least, not healthy male genitalia.

Lily

You should pitch your building to Druthers.

Ted

Are you kidding? He's Hammond Druthers! He's a legend -- I'm just part of his team. This building is huge for the firm, so it's important that we don't blow it. [Lily and Robin collapse laughing] All right, enough!

Marshall

Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.

Aaww..I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!

Lily

Really!?

Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.

Lily

Oh, so can we see a judge?

Absolutely!

Lily

Really?

Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.

Marshall

[clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us?

Because you're on CANDID CAMERA!

Robin

Really?

Is what I would say--

Marshall

You know what? We get it.

Ted

Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?

Barney

Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.

Marshall

The "Ohhh..." moment?

Barney

Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.

It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.

Barney

Ohhhh.....

I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!

Barney

Ohhhh.....

I just turned 30.

Barney

Ohhhhhh.....

Barney

So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible

Ted

Hmm...I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh...." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Ted

I love you.

Robin

I used to be a dude.

Ted

Ohhhhhh.....

Lily

This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!!

Marshall

That's YOU?

Robin

Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.

Lily

So, just to be clear...you want us to go to the mall...today?