[Flashback.]
I'm sorry, but i'm not apologizing! Look-I was just trying to put the guy back together. You smashed him to pieces!
Are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message?!
BECAUSE, Lily, this summer you were KIND OF A GRINCH!
RBRobin and Barney [present]
Oooooooohhhhhhh.
LFLily [flashback]
[coldly] You'll be sorry, Ted Mosby.
[Present, at MacLaren's.]
That's not my middle name.
You kiss your mother with that mouth?!
Like you've never said that word.
I don't kiss your mother with my mouth. Yet...
[Barney sneezes]
Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?
No, I meant do you have a cold?
I'm fine. [blows his nose; Ted and Robin look at him] I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. If you'll excuse me, holiday is the time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year.
Robin[Downs drink] I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have to help me talk her out of it.
A speech to talk a girl out of sex...
...yeah I don't have any of those.
Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.
Robin
Please? I'm her older sister; I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.
It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.
Robin
That's why I need your help!
[picks up dart] Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!
Robin
Oh, wow, a new dart!
Hey, that new dart is great!
Robin
I did not know you were such a fan of "newdart", Barney!
Oh yes, Robin, I just love "newdart"...”nude art". "Nude art"!
[Barney, Robin, and Ted laugh.]
Okay, all right, so what, you guys found the painting, huh?!?
I knew this day would come.
Because I didn't hide it very well.
[Lily is panicking because the Fiero's brakes are too strong, the inertia splattered their takeout food all over the interior.]
Robin
Shut up! Now listen to me. The clock is ticking. Okay, first thing: we scoop up all these little pieces of tofu and cabbage. Next, what we need to take care of are the messy parts; the pools that have collected. We gotta soak that soup up. Last...is the smell. We gotta cover up that Tam Kuk Gai. You mentioned cigars?
There's two in the glove compartment, but he's been saving...
Robin
Hand me those chopsticks.
[5 minutes later, Robin and Lily are smoking cigars]
Robin
Mmm, hey, how 'bout some tunes? [500 Miles by The Proclaimers starts playing] Ohh, great song!
[Lily shudders]
These cigars aren't helping at all.
Robin
[grinning] Yeah, this was a terrible idea.
Uggh, now it just smells like a...homeless guy threw up in here.
[Robin stares at her in amazement; Lily looks back at her. They have their alibi.]
[flash to present]
We had to make it look realistic!
Well why did you break two of them?
Robin
Uhhh...it looked like fun when she did it so I wanted to try.
I can't believe this whole time it was you guys; I've been blaming Really Tan Dancing Leotard guy.
Seriously, where do you see yourself in five years?
Robin
Where do you see yourself?
Honestly, in five years, I'd probably want to be married.
Robin
And I'd probably want to be in Argentina.
Robin
Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look Ted, I don't know where I'm gonna be in five years. I don't wanna know. I want my life to be an adventure.
[pause, sadly] We have an expiration date, don't we?
[Ted confronts Robin over Gael leaving Spanish massage oil on his apartment]
Look, us breaking up was the right thing, but it took some time to get over you, you know. I'm still getting over you, but you, you were over the minute they started the in-flight movie.
Robin
Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And that's why Gael happened.
You weren't trying to win the breakup?
Robin
I was trying to survive it.
Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.
Robin
My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.
GGael
What are we talking of? Baseball?
It's all gonna return to masticate you in the glutials. Support my hypothesis, Ted.
I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.
Robin
What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...
TVTed [voiceover]
But she's afraid of commitment.
LVLily [voiceover]
But she's a gun nut.
BVBarney [voiceover]
But she's... Canadian.
MVMarshall [voiceover]
But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.
AAll
I can't think of anything.
DDoug
You're supposed to pour the milk first!
Robin
No, you pour the cereal first to see how much milk you need!
DDoug
It tastes better milk first!
Robin
It tastes the same!
DDoug
Why are you wearing my dad's pants?
Robin
Milk first it is.
WWoman
Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.
MTMarshall, Ted, Robin and Lily
OOOOHH!!! [stand up suddenly from the couch in disgust]
[looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.
Robin
For who, a witch building a house in the forest?
This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.
Who leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?
[Sarcastically] Oh, and your mom was perfect.
We're not gonna date them, we're just gonna be friends with them.
That's the couple's version of dating.
Robin
And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. You wanna have brunch with them, you wanna go to Pottery Barn with them, you wanna go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you wanna antique the crap out of them.
How I Met Your Mother · 439 quotes
