Ted Mosby quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Lily

Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any.

Marshall

[stops working and looks at Lily] No underwear?

Lily

Not even slightly.

Ted

Guys... BOUNDARIES!

Ted

Robin, look I didn’t invite you to this party to set you up with Carlos. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. [Robin smiles] I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.

Robin

Well, here I am.

Ted

There’s something here, look, unless I’m crazy.

Robin

You’re not crazy. I—I don’t know, Ted, I mean we barely know each other and you’re looking at me with that look and it’s like—

Ted

Like what?

Robin

Like—let’s fall in love, and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.

Ted

I’m not gonna force sports on them unless they’re interested.

Robin

[laughs] It’s a great look. But you’re looking at the wrong girl.

Ted

No, I’m not.

Robin

Yes, you are. I don’t wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together I’d feel like I’d either have to marry you or break your heart and—I just couldn’t do either of those things. Just like you can’t turn off the way you feel.

Ted

[reaches in jacket] Click. Off. Let’s make out.

Robin

[laughs] What?

Ted

What? That was the off switch! And I turned it off. I mean sure yes, I wanna fall in love get married blah, blah, blah, but—on the other hand - you, me, the roof.

Robin

There’s no off switch.

Ted

There is an off switch… and it’s off.

Robin

[smiling] no, it’s not.

Ted

[silence] yes, it is. [draws closer to Robin]

Robin

No …it’s—not.

Ted

Yes—it is [long kiss with Robin] No it’s not. You’re right, there’s no off switch. God I wish there was an off switch!

Ted

The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That's it, that's all this is!

Nobody's that lame.

Ted

Yes, he's that lame. [to Barney] Tell him you're that lame.

Barney

...we are international businessmen!

Barney

Booger.

Ted

Yes, hello Barney.

Robin

Barney's offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.

Barney

Not some stupid word. Booger.

Robin

But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.

Barney

What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper.

Robin

For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... the City Hall beat.

Lily

City Hall! Miss Thang!

Robin

So, I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.

Barney

Of course not. Because now you're saying "nipple", and it's a hundred. [motions with finger] Step into my web.

[after throwing a handful of spaghetti at him] I'm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?

Ted

I-I'm sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I...

It's my birthday!

Ted

Yes, I know it's just...

It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?

Ted

It's no big deal. It's odd, like you lost the lottery--

Oh, so dating you's like winning the lottery? [Ted stammers] So what's the problem?

Ted

I can't explain.

Try!

Ted

Well, it's just ineffable.

Oh, so I'm not 'F-able'?

Ted

No, no, no, ineffable means it can't be explained.

So I'm stupid?

Ted

What's going on?

What's going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three weeks later, again on my birthday!

Ted

No no, it's not like that...it's just...it's just-

WHAT!?

Ted

I'm just like super busy right now.

Remember when Natalie said...

[in flashback, at the bar] I got a Krav Maga class in about half an hour.

It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli Army.

Barney

Ted, get your coat, we're leaving.

Ted

What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?

Barney

That was my cousin Leslie!

Ted

What!? [begins to laugh]

Barney

No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that we're gonna be telling in a couple of months. It's not gonna be like "Remember that time when you were grinding with-" NO. And do you know why? Because, italics, [Barney holds his hands up and slants them to an angle] this night did not happen.

Lily

Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.

Marshall

What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such a turbulent time in our political history.

Lily

[As parrot] Sad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!

Marshall

Again?

Ted

Where are you going?

Marshall

It's... an elaborate costume.

Robin

How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?

Ted

Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.

Lily

Just play cool, don't Ted-out about it.

Ted

Did you just use my name as a verb?

Barney

Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. "Ted-out": to overthink. Also see "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous results. Sample sentence: "Billy Tedded-up when he tried-"

Ted

Okay... I get it!

Marshall

So when Lily and I get married... who gonna get the apartment?

Ted

Wow... that's a tough one. Y'know who I think could handle a problem like that?

Marshall

Who?

Ted

Future Ted & Future Marshall.

Marshall

Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.

Ted

Dammit, Past Ted!

Robin

I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.

Ted

Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word 'out', 'oot'.

Robin

You guys are the world's leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.

Ted

[beat] ...your cops are called 'mounties'.

Ted

Barney.

Barney

Yeah, what's up?

Ted

You have a time sheet? No one else does.

Barney

Yeah, so? [Ted steals paper] Hey! That's my private personal business!

Ted

"Court Mandated Community Service"??

Robin

Oh my god, you're on probation? What did you do?

Barney

That's my private personal business!

Barney

I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church!

Ted

You peed on a church?

Barney

I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk!

Ted

You are evil!

Robin

All is right with the world again.

Marshall

You okay?

Ted

Sure. Why?

Marshall

Ah... I don't know. Girl of your dreams... dating a billionaire.

Ted

Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, she's not the girl of my dreams, we're just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I..I mean, I'm looking to settle down, she's looking for a.... [Barney starts snoring]

Barney

Wha...? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? She's short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! She's like half boob. [whispers to Ted] Let's go.

Ted

Yeah, and say what? What's our big opening line?

Barney

It was, uh... 'Daddy's home.'

Ted

Daddy's home?

Barney

Yeah!

Ted

Okay, you... you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, 'Daddy's home.' Really think about that, Barney.

Barney

Hmm... yeah, I think it's pretty solid.

Ted

You're not... Moby, are you?

Who?

Robin

The recording artist, Moby.

Oh, no.

Barney

Then why, when we said "Hey, Moby" did you come over here?

Oh, I thought you said Tony.

Ted

So your name's Tony?

No.

Lily

[to Ted as he walks out of his bedroom] Hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?

Ted

I had the most... amazing night ever.

Marshall

Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like "Hey bro, I don't know what you're eating cause I don't have any eyes but it's basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley."

Lily

Yeah, I know, my stomach was like "Girlfriend, we don't always get along but that cake..."