What are you doing tonight?
Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.
It's pathetic. You divide your nights between porn and the Discovery Channel.
Right. Playing Dance Dance Revolution is a much better choice.
S6 E15Private Lives
You plan on doing any work today?
I thought I might do a little light doctoring in the afternoon.
[When Wilson invites Chase to go speed dating along with House]
You brought a date?
Wilson seemed to think it was a good idea.
You need to dive back into the pool.
And he has to swim in ours? You go to a bar, you bring your ugly friends.
It's not a beauty pageant.
Life is a beauty pageant. Little girls who kiss frogs expect them to turn into you.
Oh, come on. I'm not that good-looking.
Yeah, you are.
You kind of are.
So you attribute every relationship I've ever had to the height of my cheekbones?
Not the whole relationship. Just the beginning.
The rest is your hair.
[During speed dating]
I'm a diagnostician. I find out what's wrong with people, and I fix it.
MMelodie
Don't all doctors do that?
Yeah, but they can't dance like I can.
Because you're not ordinary, House. You're way out there on the fringe somewhere. I'm your best friend, and half the time I don't understand you. You're alone. Been alone your whole life.
S6 E16Black Hole
We think a severe allergic reaction could be causing systemic breakdown.
AArtie
To my son's sperm?
Actually, his semen is more likely the problem... Which, I realize is not what you were reacting to...
AAbby
It's a black hole.
She's hallucinating.
I certainly hope so.
[Texting between Taub and Rachel; then House and Rachel when he steals phone]
Whatcha doing?
groceries.
What r u wearing?
U don't want to know.
Take off your shirt.
R u nuts?
Touch yourself.
[Rachel smiles, contemplates. Back in House's office]
House! It's not funny. I got enough problems already.
Trust me, this is gonna help.
[Monitor in cog sci lab displays an image of someone swinging a bat]
What are you thinking?
AAbby
About Nick playing baseball.
Holy crap!
That's amazing.
Yeah. Now all we have to do is read her subconscious and hope that it's completely rational and went to med school.
Does anything get you excited?
JJeanine
Can I help you with something?
Yes. Uh, I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about this dining table.
JJeanine
It's made of wood, and you eat off it.
So you're paid by commission?
JJeanine
It's furniture. Find something you like, let me know, I’ll ring it up.
Thank you so much.
S6 E17Lockdown
I take maybe 1 in 20 cases. A lot of the people I turn down, end up dying. It's really a good argument for there being more than one me when you think about it.
You had a conversation with House, you came back, informed me I'd been forever poisoned by him, and started packing.
Interesting how your story leaves out the part where you murdered another human being.
[Looking at complaints filed against House] Damn it, they're all named Lisa Cuddy.
He's not even here and he's screwing with us. Where's the joy in that?
...You really want to get into his head?
Yeah, but I decided against stabbing myself in the leg, or getting addicted to pain pills.
You can, uh, skip the stabbing. [pulls out a bottle of pain pills]
Come on, take the drug holiday. Numb yourself out.
I think you're the one who wants to numb himself out.
I like being alone. At least, I convince myself that I'm better off that way. And then I met someone at a psychiatric hospital of all places. She changed me. And then she left. We're better off alone. We suffer alone. We die alone. Doesn't matter if you're a model husband, or father of the year. Tomorrow will be the same for you.
But yesterday would have been different.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.