Chris Taub quotes from House

Taub

If anarchy breaks out, I plan to do what my ancestors have done throughout the ages: run.

Taub

House is a dictator. Second in command is a meaningless position.

Taub

You want to lie to a guy who's favorite pastime is getting doctors fired?

Dr. Taub

[asking if Dobson isn't a doctor] You said one of us wasn't a doctor, and you called him a fraud.

Dr. House

He's not a doctor. Continue, Bos.

Could be an STD...

Dr. Taub

Why isn't he fired?

Dr. House

[starts randomly pressing buttons on the phone] Oh, you're breaking up! I'm going into a tunnel. Dark Religious Nut,...

[surprised] What did you call me?

Dr. House

I'm sorry. What do you people want to be called this week?

Cole.

Dr. House

Well, I'm never going to remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minorities to the funeral home. The rest of you young, white people - the world is your oyster. An MRI with contrast, EEG, LP and blood panel. And Angels, be careful. [hangs up]

Dr. Cameron

[about Dr. Cole] Just because he's religious, doesn't mean he won't kick your ass.

Dr. House

You wanna bet?

Dr. Cameron

No, I want you to stop being such a jerk to him.

Dr. House

One hundred dollars.

Dr. House

Smart call. That guy's a wuss. He'll be the next one on the train.

Dr. Cameron

Define "kick your ass".

Dr. House

Any physical confrontation...

Dr. Cameron

...Or verbal.

Dr. House

Define "verbal".

Dr. Cameron

Anything over... 70 decibels. And you can't start suddenly being nice to him!

Dr. House

You realize what you're encouraging here?

Dr. Cameron

[smiles] Yeah, someone kicking your ass.

Dr. House

You guys don't wipe your feet when you come in the house? [hands Dr. Taub a mop] Doctors' lounge, let's go.

Dr. Taub

Why me?

Dr. House

Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; that would be insensitive.

Dr. Taub

You're risking our patient's life, just to get back at Cuddy?

Dr. House

Whaaaaaaaaat? No. That would be childish. This is what I'm doing to get back at Cuddy. [in the clinic waiting room] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? [many people raise their hands] Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!

Dr. Taub

Try bondage.

Dr. House

I did once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be Dean of Medicine.

Dr. House

You guys know Wilson's dating Amber?

Dr. Foreman

No.

Dr. Taub

Wilson and Amber?!

I knew. [Dr. House looks shocked] I asked her out. Said she just started seeing someone.

Thirteen

Cultures were negative for UTIs, no signs of previous trauma or STDs.

Dr. House

Kidney cancer.

Thirteen

CT was clear for tumors and kidney stones.

Dr. House

I thought Amber scared you guys.

She does, but she also has legs that go all the way up to Canada.

Dr. House

So do Canadians, doesn't mean that I want to date one.

Dr. Taub

[to Dr. House] You were wrong.

Dr. House

Why do people say that with such pleasure? It's very hurtful, you know.

Dr. Taub

Does sound a little forced, could be stiffening in his tongue, which is a symptom of myxoedema.

Thirteen

It's not the tongue, it's the dialogue. I think I dated that nurse though... :[Dr. House looks at her] ...no.

Taub

You've discovered that one of us has been hiding the ability to stretch or shrink themselves?

House

No. I would never out someone's superpowers.

House

Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl.

Taub

We treat her like a sixty-year-old Asian man, too? She's not fat.

House

Not on the outside. But on the inside, she's still tons of fun.

If surgery could somehow make you taller, wouldn't you do it?

Taub

Sure, but I wouldn't call a meeting of the Lollipop Guild and tell them they can grow if they work real hard at it.

Taub

House always has an agenda, just screwing with us isn't...

Yeah he'd never do that. Oh wait- He already did last year!

Wilson

Irene Adler, Christmas, 2001. Sarcoid symptoms, but she didn't respond to methotrexate. I've never seen him so obsessed. He saved her with a last minute granulomatosis with polyangiitis diagnosis, but the hours he put in, I thought it would kill him. And then... well, he fell for her. But, it was too soon after Stacy. It sounds silly, but Irene was the one who got away.

Really?

Wilson

No, you idiots! House is just screwing with you. You think there's some woman with a mysterious green wrapping paper trademark?

Taub

Then, how did you guess...

Wilson

I could be wrong. It's possible a secret admirer gave House the same book I gave him last Christmas, and the same paper I wrapped it in, and the note I wrote.