Death row guy. I want the case.
How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.
No, but "partypants" does.
You stole my password?
Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice.
S2 E1Acceptance
Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.
You're addicted to pain pills.
But I'm not useless.
[Regarding taking on the case of a man on death row]
Aren't there better ways to spend our time?
Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife?
Uh yeah. Actually, he is.
What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back.
WWarden
Your patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another one's neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards.
Relax, I've got a great bedside manner.
You know how people say, "you can't live without love"? Well, oxygen is even more important.
S2 E2Autopsy
[House comes out of the elevator, sneezing. Wilson catches up with him.]
House. Need you.
[nasally] Nah. Forget it, I'm going home.
Hay fever?
Boy, you must be a doctor and everything.
Her oxygen saturation is normal.
It's off by one percentage point.
It's within range. It's normal.
If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.
What are we trying to hear?
Tumor.
They tend to keep quiet on account of them not having any mouths.
The tumor is Afghanistan, the clot is Buffalo. [Everyone looks at him strangely]. Does that need any more explanation? Okay, the tumor is Al-Qaeda, the big bad guy, the brain who went in wiped it out, but it had already sent out a splinter cell, a small team of low-level terrorists, quietly living in the suburb Buffalo, waiting to kill us all.
Whoa, are you trying to say that the tumor threw a clot before we removed it?
It was an excellent metaphor. Angio her brain, before this clot straps on an explosive vest.
Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Are you high?
If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
It's Wednesday.
S2 E3Humpty Dumpty
Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?
[House is standing before Cuddy's front door with Foreman and Chase. They're about to break in. House grabs his credit card and holds it in the air]
20 bucks says I can get through this door in 20 seconds.
You're on.
Count me in.
[House looks under a garden ornament, finds a key and uses it to open the door. Foreman and Chase groan and hand their $20s to a smug House]
You broke into my house?!
No, that would be wrong. I had a key.
I'm not buying into no racist drug, okay?
It's racist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us.
Look. My heart's red; your heart's red. And it don't make no sense to give us different drugs.
You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it's a limited sample, but based on my experience in the last ninety seconds all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans.
Every slavemaster thought they were doing the black man a favour. 'Negro can't take care of themselves, so we'll put them to work. We'll give them four walls, a bed. We'll civilize the heathens.' Stop doing us favours. If you're right and we end up back in the jungle, it won't be on your head.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.