House · Season 1
Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, "You can't always get what you want."
. . .
[later on]
[to House] Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted? Jagger? And you're right. You can't always get what you want. But as it turns out, if you try sometimes, you get what you need.
I'm angry! You're risking a patient's life.
I assume those are two separate points.
You see that? They all assume I'm a patient because of this cane.
Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
I don't want them to think I'm a doctor.
Everybody lies.
Dr. House doesn't like dealing with patients.
Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?
No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.
I just want to die with a little dignity.
There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can't die with it.
I wanted to thank Dr. House, but he never visited again.
He cured you. You didn't cure him.
It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain.
Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.
Thirty percent of all dads out there don't realize they're raising someone else's kid.
From what I've read false paternity is more like ten percent.
That's what our moms would like us to believe.
Who cares? If he got it from his parents they'd both be dead by now, can we get on with the differential diagnosis?
Fifty bucks says I'm right.
I'll take your money.
Hit a nerve? Don't worry, Foreman, I'm sure the guy who tucked you in at night was your daddy.
Make it a hundred.
[leaving the hospital wearing a tennis outfit with a very short skirt] What are you doing back here? A patient?
No, a hooker. Went to my office instead of my home.
[talking to Wilson about a patient and quickly changing the subject as he sees Dr. Cuddy coming] —the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! Oh my! I didn't see you there - That is so embarrassing...
How's your hooker doing?
Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.
How can you just sit there?
If I eat standing up, I spill.
You've caused me considerable mental distress.
I certainly hope so.
[to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Short, sweet, grab a file.
This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board [emphasized to sound like "bored"] ...certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
[House turns to face Dr. Cuddy.]
That is true, isn't it?
[He turns back to the crowd.]
But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. [House reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pharmaceutical bottle.] This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [nobody moves] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[Everybody raises their hands]
Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or one who ignores you while you get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.
I'm uncomfortable about sex.
Well, we don't have to talk about this...
Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly and it's messy, and if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. [pause to breathe deep and stare at each other] Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour-long orgasm?
[Foreman enters]
[grabs an apple and heads back to her seat] Hey, Foreman.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
