Robert Chase quotes from House

Dr. Foreman

What are we trying to hear?

Dr. House

Tumor.

Dr. Chase

They tend to keep quiet on account of them not having any mouths.

Dr. House

20 bucks says I can get through this door in 20 seconds.

Dr. Chase

You're on.

Dr. Foreman

Count me in.

Dr. Cameron

Why would you need $5,000?

Dr. Chase

Bad night at poker or a great night with a hooker.

Dr. House

Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.

House

This guy doesn't even get sick like a regular person. Instead of a list of symptoms and no cause, we have a list of possible causes for one symptom.

Chase

Is the symptom death?

House

[makes a dramatic gesture with the stirring stick] Go forth and scan his neck.

Chase

His neck?

House

Or repeat everything I say in question form.

Dr. Chase

Pre-World War II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, patient can't breathe. [Dr. House gives him a questioning look] My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis.

Dr. House

Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart.

Dr. Foreman

In one of his books he talked about giving up drugs and alcohol, how it changes life.

Dr. Chase

[imitating House] Everybody lies.

Dr. House

MRI show anything?

Dr. Foreman

CT scan was negative.

Dr. House

CT... that's like, short for MRI, right? Excellent, well I guess that saves us a lot of time.

Dr. Chase

We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.

Dr. House

I teach you to lie and cheat and steal...and as soon as my back is turned, you wait in line?

I assume House is a great doctor.

Dr. Chase

Why would you assume that?

Because, uh, when you're that big a jerk you're either great or unemployed.

Dr. House

[to Chase, in front of a girl he's talking to] Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd come back for seconds. I figured after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night.

Dr. Chase

He's joking.

Dr. House

No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time.

I'll, uh, see you later.

Dr. House

Got a case.

Dr. Chase

Well, you could've just said that. You didn't have to screw with me.

Dr. House

Yeah, but if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope.

Dr. Chase

You're gonna talk to a patient?

Dr. House

God talks to him. It'd be arrogant of me to assume that I'm better than God.

Dr. House

Cop with a sense of humor, differential diagnosis, guy's in the ER, bleeding on everybody.

Dr. Foreman

Drugs?

Dr. Chase

He's a cop.

Dr. Foreman

Good point, how about... drugs?

Dr. House

Tox screen was clean, he did however get hit with a bullet. Just mentioning.

Dr. Cameron

He was shot?

Dr. House

No, somebody threw it at him.

Dr. Chase

Foreman. Why aren't you answering? Is there a problem?

Dr. Foreman

S-square.

Dr. House

Tell me your date of birth.

Dr. Foreman

Is that House?

Dr. Chase

Yeah. Next?

Dr. Foreman

[surprised but unable to move by head restrains] Square again. Why is he here?

Dr. House

Because my neurologist is having surgery.

Dr. Foreman

I thought I was another patient.

Dr. House

You didn't believe that crap. Did you? [while inserts a needle into Dr. Foreman's brain] Date of birth.

Dr. Foreman

The Ommaya reservoir is inserted in the parietal lobe. My spatial recognition is the issue, not my memory.

Dr. House

Oops! Did you say Ommaya? I could swear you said biopsy. Hey! I'm just messing with your head. Mother's maiden name, please.

Dr. Foreman

[while tries to look at Dr. House, who is standing behind and taking a sample] Get out of my temporal lobe, House.

Dr. House

He's got a temperature of 103.

Dr. Foreman

And why do we care?

Dr. House

Because we're human beings. It's what we do. Said he was at a luncheon meeting.

Dr. Cameron

You took his history?!

Dr. House

Guy looks like Harpo. You should see him.

Dr. Chase

You asked him what book he's currently reading.

Dr. House

It's hilarious to watch him try and talk. I asked him anything I could think of. Favorite color? "Bwuu."

Dr. House

Favorite dessert topping? [The patient hesitates.] Trust me, you'll never know what fact may be the key to saving your life.

Whip cweam.

Dr. House

So you're saying Chase did screw up.

Dr. Chase

Or Foreman screwed up.

Dr. Foreman

Big hand points to minutes, maybe you got them mixed up.

Dr. House

Oh snap, Foreman is playing the dozens. You're at a huge cultural disadvantage here, Chase. Take a couple minutes to think of a witty retort.

Dr. Chase

Hey Foreman, your momma's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.