Masters quotes from House

House

Say something brilliant.

Oh, I, I don't...

House

Capital of Azerbaijian?

Baku.

House

Year Beethoven died?

1827.

House

Twentieth decimal of Eulier's Number?

Six. [giggles] It's my favorite constant.

House

She's like the Internet with breasts. Oh, no, wait--the Internet has breasts.

[to House] You don't trust me.

House

Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us.

Julie doesn't have smallpox.

House

Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the reverse... oh, my God, I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga.

House

Classic Neurohecatia. Two days of anticholinergics, you'll be walking out of here.

Ramon

Really?

House

No. I just made that up to see your reaction. Diagnostic test. This is awesome. 33-year-old carpenter presenting with narcissism, delusions of grandeur, hallucinations.

Taub

He hasn't had hallucinations.

House

I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about "him" with a capital "o-m-g."

Chase

You want us to do a differential diagnosis on Jesus?

Hears voices, thinks he's the son of God. Probably Schizophrenic.

You're smiling. Does that mean that you're comfortable with your choice? Or that you're afraid? Because this may be your only hope.

Ramon

You can prescribe a lot of things, but hope isn't one of 'em.

House

Sticking by your convictions and damning the consequences. You two have a lot in common. You're both idiots.

Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness?

House

Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who cheated on their wives.

Jack has an infection that's spread to his mastoid.

House

Great. We'll confirm that in a week, when your secret cultures have sprouted.

Am I in trouble?

House

I only get mad when you waste my time. Couldn't care less about yours. But let me know when they come back negative, and I'll mock you.

[about Driscoll] Military history. In suspiciously good shape for his age. Makes a living bullying kids. I'm thinking… steroids?

House

Fascinating.

[smiles] Thanks. We can wean him off...

House

Steroids isn't fascinating, it's moronic. There's no other sign of hormonal imbalance. What's fascinating is that you equate discipline with bullying. Which means that your parents either disciplined you too much or too little. I'm guessing too little.

[whispers] Is no one going to tell me.. [House shushes her as he watches television] Why we're in the morgue?

Chase

House is on the lam from someone. Taub's got his money on Wilson, but I'm pretty sure it's Cuddy.

Foreman

Fool's bet. There's a whole world of angry patients, creditors…

House

Once again, you are unfired.

Why?

House

You sold me out even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just… kind of impressive.

I keep my job if I stand up to you. I keep it if I don't. I… don't buy it.

House

When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret.

House

Picture a door. Unlocked with the key of the mind. Two medical cases, both more fascinating than the last.

That actually makes no logical sense.

House

This is not a door to logical sense. Also, shut up.

What about a tutor?

Taub

I don't need a tutor.

House

Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass.

Taub

Foreman.

House

Interesting. You must be more worried than you look.

Isn't that like sexual harassment?

House

Not if you are good-looking.

How is that even possible?

House

That's what she said. [after noticing that the class keeps looking at him] No, she did literally say that.

[flashback] How is that even possible?

House

Who password protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?

Someone who works with someone who thinks it's okay to break into other people's homes.

Do you even like me?

Chase

Why?

I put making friends and having relationships on hold so I could concentrate on studying. I always thought there'll be plenty of time for that in the future. But… now when I do want them… I can't even get a date to this charity event. If I can't establish relationships in my personal life, how will I ever do it with a patient?

Chase

Be honest with her. But if it comes down to a choice between the brutal truth and hope: side with hope.