Dr. Lisa Cuddy quotes from House

Cuddy

[to Foreman] House did something solely out of self interest? Freaky.

Cuddy

I'm sorry. I've hired a grief counselor, whom I'm sure none of you will see. And I'm offering time off, which I'm sure none of you will take, but just know it's available.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy

Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.

Dr. Gregory House

Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, "You can't always get what you want."

Dr. Cuddy

[to House] Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted? Jagger? And you're right. You can't always get what you want. But as it turns out, if you try sometimes, you get what you need.

Dr. House

I'm angry! You're risking a patient's life.

Dr. Cuddy

I assume those are two separate points.

Dr. Cuddy

[leaving the hospital wearing a tennis outfit with a very short skirt] What are you doing back here? A patient?

Dr. House

No, a hooker. Went to my office instead of my home.

Dr. House

[talking to Wilson about a patient and quickly changing the subject as he sees Dr. Cuddy coming] —the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! Oh my! I didn't see you there - That is so embarrassing...

Dr. Cuddy

How's your hooker doing?

Dr. House

Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.

Dr. House

[to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.

Dr. Cuddy

Short, sweet, grab a file.

Dr. House

This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board [emphasized to sound like "bored"] ...certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.

Dr. House

That is true, isn't it?

Dr. House

But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. [House reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pharmaceutical bottle.] This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [nobody moves] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?

Dr. House

Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.

Dr. House

See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, cause you give me all these really great insights for free.

Dr. Cuddy

Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.

Dr. House

In ten seconds, I'm going to announce that I gave her [the patient] the wrong dosage.

Dr. Cuddy

[Taken aback] You're going to admit negligence?

Dr. House

Unless you leave the room, you'll have to testify as a witness. [Cuddy crosses her arms] Five, four, three, two... So there I was in the clinic, drunk, I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find and.... [Cuddy leaves quickly]

Dr. Cuddy

Good morning, Dr. House.

Dr. House

Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part.

Dr. Cuddy

Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.

Dr. House

[Leaving quickly] Gotta go.

Dr. Cuddy

You know, there are other ways to manage pain.

Dr. House

Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?

Dr. Cuddy

You're addicted.

Dr. House

If the pills ran my life, I'd agree with you, but it's my leg busy calendaring what I can't do.

I can't get my contact lenses out-

Dr. House

Out of what? They're not in your eyes.

But they're red.

Dr. House

That's because you're trying to remove your corneas. [moves to next patient] What's wrong with you?

Uh, lately, my wife has noticed that...

Dr. House

Yeah, yeah. Symptoms, [gestures at Cuddy] we're working on a personal best here.

Numbness in my feet and hands, constipation...

Dr. House

And?

Dr. Cuddy

Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable talking about his private matters...

Dr. House

Well, neither would I, if I was having trouble controlling my pee pee!

Dr. House

You're a dentist. Nitrous oxide poisoning, which means you're either dipping into your own supply, or you've got a bad valve in the office. Laughing gas rehab's probably more expensive than the plumber. Meanwhile, get yourself some B12.

Dr. House

Who's left?

I can't see. [House and Cuddy look appalled] Nah, I'm just screwing with you. [House looks at Cuddy, who smiles] It's a hangover, my English Lit professor told me he'd fail me next time if I didn't show up with a doctor's note.

Dr. House

Well, make friends with the dentist. He can give you a note, and maybe a little nitrous to take the edge off.

Dr. Cuddy

You put him on Lupron.

Dr. House

Uh-huh.

Dr. Cuddy

And, you told them it was like milk.

Dr. House

Yes.

Dr. Cuddy

Is there any way in which that is not a lie?

Dr. House

It's creamy. But, I had three reasons.

Dr. Cuddy

Good ones?

Dr. House

Well, we'll see in a minute; I'm just making them up now.

Dr. Cuddy

In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!

Dr. House

Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.