CFCol. Franz
General, what is it?
GKGeneral Kammler
Are my eyes deceiving me? No, it couldn't be- [Turns to Klink] That sergeant standing over there-?
GKGeneral Kammler
It is! Hans!
Can it be? Ach, du lieber! Lieutenant Kammler!
GKGeneral Kammler
How good to see you!
Oh, Lieutenant! Ah, you are a General!
GKGeneral Kammler
Yes, yes, and you are a sergeant- well, Germany makes lots of mistakes.
No mistake. You were always a very bright boy!
GKGeneral Kammler
We fought together in the first war. At the Ardennes, and at Ypres. I was just a young lieutenant; I didn't know anything at all. Schultz saved my life.
GKGeneral Kammler
And here we are, Hans, two German soldiers fighting another war!
All right, look. Orders from London are to hide you until the Krauts stop looking for you. Then we'll smuggle you to England.
SSparrow
Four men. Is it possible?
No, but we'll do it anyway. First thing is to get you into Stalag 13.
SSparrow
You hide us in a prisoner of war camp?
We're the only motel for miles around.
[During an Allied bombing raid]
WWoman
Liebchen, when you kiss me, the ground shakes.
Either you've got it or you haven't.
You will consider yourself under arrest.
I will question you here. If your answers are not satisfactory, you will be taken to where the atmosphere is more conductible to getting at the truth.
I am not concerned with being fair. Muller, Sonntag.
[Backscheider's men begin to search the hotel room]
Are you sure you won't have some champagne?
Research done by the Third Reich shows that champagne shrivels the Achilles tendons.
The French foot soldier was only able to march seven-tenths of a mile... before collapsing.
I think it has attacked your brain. You are obviously an American, yet you openly rent a large suite in the best hotel in Paris, in the middle of a war... almost inviting a call from the Gestapo!
You were very prompt. My congratulations.
[Puzzled] You wanted a call from the Gestapo?
[Hogan has convinced Backscheider he is actually Sgt. Frank Derkin, an escaped POW-turned-black market dealer; they are talking in Backscheider's office]
[Backscheider, distrustful of 'Derkin', has bugged the hotel room phone]
[As Himmler] My dear Derkin! This is Heinrich Himmler, how are you?
[In another room, the Gestapo men stiffen in fear; as Reichsführer-SS, Himmler was one of the most feared men in Nazi Germany]
Oh, fine, just fine. You enjoyed the caviar? Oh, I'm glad. Hey, I was able to get a special deal for you- about three tons. Ah, we can talk about that when you get here.
Yes... I will be arriving tomorrow morning, about 10. By fighter plane. Don't trust my pilot. Ja, there has been too many 'accidents' on our transports.
Inhuman! I'll meet you at the airport, about 10. Oh, and, uh, about Colonel Backscheider...
Oh, I put my foot in it. I mentioned you were coming to Paris, but I didn't tell him when.
Tell him nothing! If he has one single ounce of brains- which I doubt- he will find out that I'm coming in. Und be at the airport with his entire staff lined up in review. And if not- eh! One more bungler down the well.
Oh, I'm really sure he'll be there. I'll meet you at the airport tomorrow. Oh, and thanks for the call, Heinrich.
[In another room, Backscheider puts down the listening device's headphones]
[At Gestapo headquarters, Antonovitch, a White Russian acting as Himmler, is touring the cells; on Backscheider's orders, Müller is trying to stall for time]
MMüller
Herr Reichsführer, if we only wait until Colonel Backscheider gets back...
AAntonovitch
He is on the way?
MMüller
Oh, yes, sir!
AAntonovitch
Well, hurry!
[As the group passes by Klink's cell, Klink addresses Müller and spots Hogan, who quickly moves out of sight]
Oh, Captain Müller, excuse me... Colonel Hogan? I thought I saw Colonel Hogan.
[Antonovitch is now standing directly in front of Klink's cell]
AAntonovitch
Do I look like a 'Colonel Hogan'?
Oh, no, sir! Not at all! It's just that since I've been to Paris, I seem to only see and hear... [Laughs nervously, then looks to Müller] This wouldn't be Reichsführer Himmler! [Looks back to 'Himmler', suddenly very nervous] Would it?
AAntonovitch
Who is this man?
MMüller
Ex-Commandant Klink, your excellency, from Stalag 13. Suspected of complicity in the Tiger matter.
Your excellency, I am completely innocent! All I've done- with the exception of some harmless delusions- all I've done is come to Paris on my seven-day leave and never had such misery, sir. Never.
AAntonovitch
When is your leave up?
AAntonovitch
[To Müller] Let him out.
Oh, thank you, sir! Your reputation for generosity and fairness-
MMüller
Let him out?!
[General Burkhalter arrives at Stalag 13 as Carter is impersonating Adolf Hitler.]
Ah, General Burkhalter, you're just in time! The Fuehrer has just made a surprise visit to Stalag 13!
And in an excellent mood!
I must greet him at once!
[Burkhalter eagerly goes to greet "Hitler" but halts as he notices what he is saying.]
I would have won the war a long time ago if it wasn't for my generals! All they do is eat, and have good times!
Ja. I have one general who looks like a stuffed goose! But believe me, one day, the goose will hang high, BY HIS EARS!
On second thought, perhaps I will see the Fuehrer some other time.
