Hogan's Heroes quotes

We want to get through to Garlotti's Pizzeria in Newark.

Is that really you, Mama Bear?

Yes, it's really me. Now get us through to the pizzeria.

Look here, Mama Bear, you'll just have to eat the same rations as the rest of us.

We don't want the pizzas. We just want the recipes.

I think you've been underwater too long. I suggest you surface.

The recipe is not for us, it's for Goldilocks.

Oh. I should have known.

Garlotti's Pizzeria. Garlotti speaking. London calling?

Yes, this is Captain Henderson, Supreme Allied Headquarters. No, Mr. Garlotti, your son is fine. Yes, he's still in the prison camp, but he's in good health and good spirits.

Good, thank you. Thank you very much. What? You want my recipe for pizza?

The pizza smells like the kind Mama used to make.

Hogan

One of the biggest regrets of my life was not being shot down over Italy.

Newkirk

I'll bet even the Germans eat a lot of pizza in Capezio, blimey?

Yes, they do! ... Yes, they do.

Hogan

Off-hand, how many pizzas do the Germans eat, figuring 2 pizzas a German?

That's a secret... 2 pizzas, one German? 106,000.

Hogan

106,000? (Thinks)

Just divide by 2.

Newkirk

It's a vintage wine. Aged almost 2 weeks.

I could be shot for being a spy.

Newkirk

You're not really a spy, you'd be in uniform.

In uniform, they'd shoot me for being a traitor. Please, not while I'm eating.

Hogan

Just think what you'd be doing for your country. It could help shorten the war in Italy.

It could also shorten my life.

Hogan

I'll make you a big hero in Germany.

I'd rather be a little coward in Switzerland.

Klink

Well, Corporal Langenscheidt?

We could not find a trace of the prisoners.

Klink

And you call yourself a German Shepherd.

(Barks)

He's doing the best he can.

Klink

He couldn't find a can of dog food.

(Snarls)

Klink

Put him on report!

Klink

Hogan, I'm going to have you shot and no court martial in the world will convict me.

Schultz

Carter, please. You could put me into lots of trouble. They might send me to the Eastern Front.

Carter

Gee, I wouldn't want that to happen.

Schultz

That's not the worst of it. They might give me 10 days leave!

Carter

What's wrong with that, for pete's sake?

Schultz

I would have to spend it with my wife.

Schultz

Colonel Hogan! I'm too old to parachute-jump!

Hogan

Never too old, Schultz. Come on.

Schultz

Colonel Hogan! I'm too big to parachute-jump!

Hogan

Now there you have a point.

Hogan

Let's face it Klink, you blew the ball game!

Klink

You're right Hogan, I blew it.

Hogan

Sweetest setup in the whole German Army, and you wanted to be a general!

Klink

Hogan, every man in my class has made general!

Hogan

How many have been killed in action?

Klink

Quite a few.

Hogan

How many have been shot by the Führer?

Klink

Quite a few more.

Burkhalter

This is all so unnecessary! I was thinking of retiring! I was just saying to Hilda, that who would succeed me, but one of you two? My dearest friends!

Newkirk

What of Klink?

Burkhalter

Forget him! He's to be shot! I never could stand the man!

Klink

[Outside] Burmeister! Bussie! You're surrounded! Come out with your hands up!

Burkhalter

What a wonderful friend!

Hogan

That's two shots; they killed themselves. Come on.

Schultz

Colonel Hogan, if they are dead, what is the hurry?

LeBeau

I say we do it to him before he does it to us.

Newkirk

Right. Knock him off.

Hogan

Hey, you can't just go around knocking off German officers; the ones that're left start asking embarrassing questions.

Klink

Now, Schultz, I want you to treat me as you would any private under your command. Understood?

Schultz

Understood.

Klink

I don't want any special favors, any special treatment, any-

Schultz

You are a private?

Klink

Yes, I am.

Schultz

Shut up!

Klink

How dare you tell me-

Schultz

Achtung! Eyes front! Put the helmet straight! Chest out, stomach in! Answer only when you're spoken to!

Klink

Jawohl!

Schultz

Jawohl, what?

Klink

Jawohl, Herr Feldwebel!

Schultz

That's better! About face! Fall in with the rest of them, you dummkopf! [Klink falls in with the other guards; Schultz turns to Hogan blissfully] Oh, it feels so good!