Cpl. Peter Newkirk quotes from Hogan&#039;s Heroes

There's a new general in command of the military district. Tomorrow, he will be here for inspection.

I can hardly wait.

The orders are to clean up the barracks-

[The prisoners join in sarcastically]

SNSchultz, Newkirk, LeBeau, Carter, Kinchloe

-Clean up the compound, and clean up yourself!

S2 E6 The Rise And Fall Of Sergeant Schultz

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[During an Allied bombing raid]

WWoman

Liebchen, when you kiss me, the ground shakes.

Newkirk

Either you've got it or you haven't.

S2 E9 Tanks For The Memory

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[Backscheider, distrustful of 'Derkin', has bugged the hotel room phone]

Derkin here.

Newkirk

[As Himmler] My dear Derkin! This is Heinrich Himmler, how are you?

[In another room, the Gestapo men stiffen in fear; as Reichsführer-SS, Himmler was one of the most feared men in Nazi Germany]

Oh, fine, just fine. You enjoyed the caviar? Oh, I'm glad. Hey, I was able to get a special deal for you- about three tons. Ah, we can talk about that when you get here.

Newkirk

Yes... I will be arriving tomorrow morning, about 10. By fighter plane. Don't trust my pilot. Ja, there has been too many 'accidents' on our transports.

Inhuman! I'll meet you at the airport, about 10. Oh, and, uh, about Colonel Backscheider...

Newkirk

What about him?

Oh, I put my foot in it. I mentioned you were coming to Paris, but I didn't tell him when.

Newkirk

Tell him nothing! If he has one single ounce of brains- which I doubt- he will find out that I'm coming in. Und be at the airport with his entire staff lined up in review. And if not- eh! One more bungler down the well.

Oh, I'm really sure he'll be there. I'll meet you at the airport tomorrow. Oh, and thanks for the call, Heinrich.

[In another room, Backscheider puts down the listening device's headphones]

Backscheider

He called him Heinrich!

S2 E11 A Tiger Hunt In Paris, Part 2

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FMField Marshal von Heinke

I order you to make immediate arrangements for my exchange! Those are my orders. Carry them out.

Such a loud signal! The English must have an excellent transmitter.

[Glares at Klink] We have an excellent receiver.

That was Field Marshal von Heinke. May we have your reply immediately?

I guess we have no choice.

That voice. I have heard it somewhere before.

Certainly, dummkopf! That's von Heinke!

No, Herr General, the other voice. Hogan... that's Hogan! One of my prisoners, right here! [In the barracks, Carter hears Klink through a listening device and hands it to Hogan, who hurries over to the camp office.] Now, gentlemen, I am convinced something is wrong. General Burkhalter, with all due respect to you, I think this may be a false message.

A false message?

[Behind them, Hogan comes into the camp office and sits down.]

Now, it would take me just one minute to find- [Turns around and sees Hogan.] Hogan!

Yes?

You thought he was on the radio?

What are you doing here?

Sergeant Schultz told me one of our planes was missing.

General, I still think it is possible that the message on the radio was not the genuine article.

[Just then, Newkirk, doing an impression of Prime Minister Winston Churchill, begins speaking from the radio.]

Newkirk

Generals of the Third Reich, this is the Prime Minister speaking. We offer you this exchange in the full expectation for you to reply in an honourable manner. We in turn, will fulfill our part of the bargain. We await your immediate reply in order that we may speedily affect this arrangement to our mutual satisfaction.

Inform Communications... we accept. [looks at Klink] Unless, Klink, you thought that was Hogan, too?

S2 E17 The General Swap

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Newkirk

Any reason for this particular bank, sir?

Yeah. It's the only one in town.

S2 E18 The Great Brinksmeyer Robbery

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This place is finally getting to you.

Newkirk

Nea-ha-ha-ha! Whatever gave you that idea, Schultz?

S2 E20 Hogan And The Lady Doctor

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[Newkirk is going out through the perimeter fence wire at night; a machine gun team is waiting for him. They open fire, shooting the ground in front of him. Newkirk stands up and raises his hands.]

Newkirk

Kamerad! Kamerad!

KCaptain Kurz

You are under arrest!

Newkirk

Yes, sir! As you can see, my hands are in the basic "Kamerad" position!

S2 E23 Everyone Has A Brother-In-Law

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There must be a way. Think for a minute.

Newkirk

Hey, I've got a solution, sir. Why don't we all go to bed and mind our own business?

He always comes up with something, doesn't he?

Why doesn't one of us just open the door and walk out there? And if somebody stops us, we just say we're goin' for a walk!

LeBeau

Just like that, huh?

Sure! Casually! It's gotta work because it's simple.

If it's so simple, you go ahead and do it.

Me?

It's your idea. Just tell the guy you're out for a walk.

Right.

[Carter goes out and closes the barracks door behind him. After a few seconds a guard opens the door and pulls Carter back in.]

Just put it anywhere.

S3 E9 Hot Money

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[Jacques Mornay, a Free French operative, has been sent to Stalag 13 to assist Hogan and his men.]

JMJacques Mornay

This is the most efficient organization I have ever seen.

Newkirk

Thank you very much, sir.

JMJacques Mornay

If all the armies were like this, the war would soon be over.

It'd be great for the world, but we'd be out of a swell job.

S3 E13 An Evening of Generals

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(Newkirk, Lebeau, and Hogan approach Klink's quarters) Halt! Who goes there?

Newkirk

Heinrich Himmler, Joseph Goebbels, and I'm Hermann Goering.

Jolly jokers.

S3 E18 Is There a Doctor in the House?

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Klink!

Major Hochstetter!

What are these men doing here?

Newkirk

I'm his personal physician.

Lebeau

I'm his night nurse.

What can I do for you, Major?

For the next 48 hours, no one is to go in or out of this camp. And you are ordered immediately to double your security force.

Double the security force?

With his record?

(miffed) What are these men doing here?!

He's right, sir. There has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.

We have reason to believe there's a girl from the French underground in this area.

A French girl?

This is a piece of cloth from a garment she wore.

Hmm. That's interesting. Very interesting.

Tomorrow, at precisely 3:00, we are bringing in tracking dogs especially trained by the Gestapo. It is possible this girl is hiding in this very camp.

Oh, no, sir.

Impossible.

Ridiculous.

(full out Hochstetter angry) What are these men doing here?!?!

Sir, do you think the tracking dogs are necessary?

Yes, I think they're necessary!

Yes, sir, I think they're necessary, too. A very wise move. I shall cooperate with you to the fullest, Major Hochstetter. (Hogan "accidentally" spills liquid on Hochstetter's shoe)

Clumsy! Here, let me wipe that up for you.(Hogan uses cloth to clean the fluid, ruining the girl's scent on the cloth to throw off the dogs.)

Are you crazy?

I'm sorry. That's what you're using to find the girl.

S3 E18 Is There a Doctor in the House?

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They want me to go home. They've ordered me home.

LeBeau

Who would issue an order like that?

I don't know, but whoever it was is gonna have me for a friend for life! Kinch, radio London, tell 'em orders are acknowledged. When do I leave? How, where? All the details! [Goes back inside his quarters, slamming the door.] YAHOO!

Kinchloe

Yes, sir.

Newkirk

Personally, I think he's takin' the news pretty well.

S3 E19 Hogan, Go Home

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Would you mind lowering your voice, Major? You're going to bring the property values down in this neighborhood.

What is this man doing here?

You see, Major Hochstetter, the escaped prisoner, and my efficient, trusted, and dependable Sergeant.

Where, where?

If you had run your camp properly, Klink, he never would have escaped in the first place.

Can you fellas finish this discussion later? We're dying to get back to camp.

What is this man doing here?

Major Hochstetter, I assure you-

You have delayed me for long enough. We are going to search this building.

Newkirk

For what?

He thinks that there is an underground contact here.

We didn't see anybody.

You see? I told you-

(screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!?!?!

You're shouting again. Somebody is going to call a cop.

S3 E25 LeBeau and the Little Old Lady

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Hold it, hold it! What seems to be the problem?

LeBeau

I made the mistake of asking an Englishman to taste a gourmet dish.

Newkirk

It's not a gourmet dish; it's ruddy fish stew!

S5 E19 Gowns By Yvette

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Newkirk

Good evening, Schimmell's Bakery!

Schimmell's Bakery?

Newkirk

Hello? Who is this? Is that you, you no good Heinie Bellheim?!

[In a girl's voice] Is it for me, Papa?

Newkirk

Never mind! No! You cannot speak to Helga now, she's busy making strudel!