Wilhelm Klink quotes from Hogan's Heroes

I think it only fair to tell you that I employ somewhat different tactics than Lieutenant Klink!

Klink

Colonel Klink.

Don't bet on it!

Colonel Hogan, I must congratulate you on your honesty. The reconnaissance flight verified the new factory near Leadingham.

Hogan

You sure know how to rub it in, General.

And tonight, the new factory will be reduced to rubble. I personally will lead the bombing mission.

Klink

And of course everyone knows that the General is one of our finest pilots! By the way, General, when you go to Berlin, you'll mention my name? Say a few words here and there.

Words? I believe I will put in a few words. "Negligence, inefficiency, irresponsibility, stupidity". As soon as I get back from the raid, I will take care of you.

Hogan

Hm. I heard that in school, von Lintzer was your dearest friend.

Klink

Ja, ja. Ja.

Hogan

You would've been better off with an enemy.

Klink

Now, Hogan, I want you to know that this will not go unpunished. Right, Schultz? [Schultz isn't paying attention] Right, Schultz?!

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Someone will be punished!

Klink

The one who is responsible, right, Schultz?

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, the one who is responsible!

Klink

The one who is to see to it that lights out are at the proper time. Right, Schultz?

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant, the one who is to see to it... [Realizes] that lights out...

Klink

I'll take your three-day pass now.

I never worry about prisoners. I never take any.

Klink

You don't?

I like my enemy only one way: dead.

Klink

Colonel! What are you doing?!

Hogan

Oh, Colonel, you seem to have dropped something.

My compliments, Colonel. Tell me, how did you know it was a blank?

Hogan

Easy. For a live grenade, you would've been the first to run. You see, both you and I know you're not a member of a super race.

[angered] After our war games, I shall teach you respect for the SS!

Hogan

I doubt it.

Klink

Now, Hogan, who is this woman?!

Hogan

I have no idea.

Schultz

I don't know, either.

Klink

I didn't ask you!

Schultz

I thought you might like to know.

Klink

Silence!

Klink

Now, with all due respect to Captain Kurz, General, I am not in in need of an adjutant.

General Burkhalter

The Captain is a very able man.

Klink

Oh, I'm sure that he is, but that doesn't change my feelings!

General Burkhalter

And he's also my brother-in-law.

Klink

Oh, your brother in law. By marriage?

General Burkhalter

Yes, that's the usual way.

General Burkhalter

This is Colonel Stieffer of the SS. He has a special assignment for you.

Klink

A pleasure, Colonel. A real pleasure. Whatever I can do for the SS will be a real privilege. And I am deeply moved by being chosen for this task! I know that this handshake will be the beginning of a long and lasting friendship!

The SS has no friends.

Klink

Yes, sir, I think you've got a good idea on that. After all, when you add what you spend on dinner parties, luncheons, gifts- who needs the expense of friendship, when a little hatred doesn't cost you a cent?

General Burkhalter

Let Colonel Stieffer talk for a change.

Klink

Yes, sir. Schutltz! Not another word out of you until the Colonel is finished.

We have a very special prisoner we're turning over to you. And we expect you to make sure he doesn't escape.

Klink

Sir, I can assure you, no one has ever escaped from Stalag 13.

So far he's escaped from nine of your camps since his capture.

Klink

Well, he won't be leaving here so easily!

General Burkhalter

If he does, you will be leaving yourself. Carrying snow shoes and a Russian road map!

In Heaven's name.

Hochstetter

Group Captain Roberts- Leutnant Baumann.

He could be my twin!

Klink

In a way he is! He is!

Hochstetter

Fantastic.

Klink

They do wonderful plastic surgery! I had this friend in Dusseldorf. A Mrs. Schmidt; charming woman. Slight sag around the chin, but you know how it is. Anyway, see saw this surgeon. He advised her-

Hochstetter

[visibly annoyed] Not now, Klink.

This is monstrous.

Hochstetter

The Leutnant looked a great deal like you from the start, but the surgeons have done a remarkable job, no?

[realizing] The pictures. That's why you took those pictures of me.

Yes, indeed, Group Captain. From the beginning it's been rather a lark. Jolly good fun, actually.

He's even imitated my voice. Of course, the recordings.

Hochstetter

Well, I am satisfied.

Klink

So am I.

Hochstetter

I'm glad. I don't think we need to attend to Group Captain Roberts any longer, Colonel.

Klink

Of course not, Major! I think it's time we moved him to slightly less comfortable quarters, but, shall we say, more colourful?

Whatever it is your planning, you won't get away with it. I promise you that.

Hochstetter

Now, is everything crystal clear?

Klink

Major, it cannot fail because it is simplicity itself.

Hochstetter

Exactly. I knew you would understand anything simple, Klink.

Klink

Oh, thank you, sir.

Colonel Klink, Colonel Hogan has requested to see you.

Klink

By all means, let him come in.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink

Our fish is nibbling at the bait.

Hochstetter

My fish.

Hogan

Colonel Klink.

Klink

Yes, Hogan, what is it, what is it?

Hogan

You have a new prisoner, Group Captain James Roberts, RAF. I want to see him.

Hochstetter

He wants to see the prisoner. That's not surprising.

Klink

That's not surprising.

Hogan

Of course, now that I've made the request, I'm sure you'll deny it.

Hochstetter

He says we'll deny it. We will?

Klink

We will?

Hogan

As senior officer here, I'm entitled to talk to any new prisoner brought into this stalag, and you know it. If I'm not allowed to see him, it'll be in direct violation of the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention, and I'll make a formal complaint to the Red Cross and the protecting power.

Hochstetter

Very well, you may see the prisoner.

Klink

You may see the prisoner.

Hogan

And believe me, when word gets back to the big boys on our side, you'll see what happens to Ger-(pause) What did you say?

Hochstetter

I said you may see the prisoner anytime you like.

Klink

There you are, Hogan. Your request has been granted.

Hogan

You guys ought to give me a little notice when you're going to do something decent.

Klink

Really?

Hogan

Yeah. I faint very easily.

Klink

It's unbelievable! The most efficient POW camp in all of Germany, and we have no plumber!

Schultz

Herr Kommandant, Corporal Schneider was our plumber.

Klink

Was?!

Schultz

Before he was sent to the Russian Front.

Klink

Well, what idiot sent him to the Russian Front?! [Schultz looks pointedly at Klink.] Don't tell me what idiot.

Klink

I would be better off at the Russian Front.

Schultz

When you are there, can you find Corporal Schneider?

Klink

Everything ready, Schultz?

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. Alles in ordnung.

Klink

Now, the convoy will arrive at 2200 hours; that's in a few minutes. Are the prisoners accounted for in the barracks?

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! I even got extra guards. The prisoners are sleeping peacefully, like little children. Dreaming of digging tunnels and escaping back home, and seeing-

Klink

Schultz! I'm asking for a report, not a bedtime story!

Klink

Are you here on business, or is this a social call?

Hochstetter

I don't pay anybody a "social call"!

Klink

What can I do for you, Major Hochstetter?

Hochstetter

Are you aware that last Monday night an American plane dropped a bomb on Gestapo headquarters? Demolished the building, wiped out the garrison, killed Kommandant Heydrich, knocked the Fuehrer's picture off the wall, and... everything!

Klink

No, I was playing cards with Captain Bruennschmier.

Hochstetter

It is a great personal loss to me.

Klink

It was a great personal loss to me; he took me for fifty Marks!

Hochstetter

But the antiaircraft shot down the bomber...

Klink

That's good.

Hochstetter

But, the crew parachuted to safety...

Klink

Ooh, that's bad!

Hochstetter

But, we know where they are hiding.

Klink

That's good! Where?

Hochstetter

Here.

Klink

Here? Impossible!

Hochstetter

Impossible? We shall see. I am ordering my men to search every inch of this camp.

Klink

Sir! I am Kommandant of Stalag 13!

Hochstetter

That is exactly why I am ordering the search.