Wilhelm Klink quotes from Hogan's Heroes

Klink

You know, it is most gratifying to have the confidence of one's superior officer.

Schultz

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Klink

Too bad that's not the case with you, Schultz.

Schultz

I'm only a humble Sergeant, Herr Kommandant.

Klink

Yes... An accident of war.

Klink

Schultz, did you hear that? There's a war on, and yet (Hogan) calls (Stalag 13) a "home".

Schultz

I think he's stir crazy.

Klink

Silence! You will speak only when you're spoken to.

Schultz

You spoke to me, Herr Kommandant.

Klink

Next time, don't answer.

Klink

So you wouldn't take my advice, eh, Hogan? Where are the two prisoners who tried to escape?

Hogan

If you'd stood any closer to them, your Iron Cross would get rusty.

Klink

Oh, you fools! Here's my reward: 30 days in the cooler! Take them away!

Hogan

30 days is a cruel, inhuman, unjustified punishment to be inflicted only by a sadist!

Klink

Flattery will get you nothing, my dear Colonel.

Klink

Does the name Michaels ring a bell with you?

Hogan

Michaels? Michaels. Yes, yes, it does, yes it does.

Klink

It does?

Hogan

Yeah. I knew this English girl, Diane Michaels. A beauty. Peach and cream complexion.

Klink

That is not the Michaels I had in mind. This one has a mustache.

Hogan

Oh, we're talking about two different girls.

Hogan

You know that picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware?

Klink

Yes, I'm familiar with that picture.

Hogan

This ain't it.

Klink

Let me remind you, Colonel Hogan, that the Italians are on our side.

Hogan

Don't remind me, remind them.

Klink

Major Bonuccelli of the Italian Army.

Hogan

Always nice to meet one of our allies.

Klink

He's OUR ally.

Hogan

I keep forgetting.

Klink

Well, Corporal Langenscheidt?

We could not find a trace of the prisoners.

Klink

And you call yourself a German Shepherd.

(Barks)

He's doing the best he can.

Klink

He couldn't find a can of dog food.

(Snarls)

Klink

Put him on report!

Hogan

Let's face it Klink, you blew the ball game!

Klink

You're right Hogan, I blew it.

Hogan

Sweetest setup in the whole German Army, and you wanted to be a general!

Klink

Hogan, every man in my class has made general!

Hogan

How many have been killed in action?

Klink

Quite a few.

Hogan

How many have been shot by the Führer?

Klink

Quite a few more.

Burkhalter

This is all so unnecessary! I was thinking of retiring! I was just saying to Hilda, that who would succeed me, but one of you two? My dearest friends!

Newkirk

What of Klink?

Burkhalter

Forget him! He's to be shot! I never could stand the man!

Klink

[Outside] Burmeister! Bussie! You're surrounded! Come out with your hands up!

Burkhalter

What a wonderful friend!

Klink

Now, Schultz, I want you to treat me as you would any private under your command. Understood?

Schultz

Understood.

Klink

I don't want any special favors, any special treatment, any-

Schultz

You are a private?

Klink

Yes, I am.

Schultz

Shut up!

Klink

How dare you tell me-

Schultz

Achtung! Eyes front! Put the helmet straight! Chest out, stomach in! Answer only when you're spoken to!

Klink

Jawohl!

Schultz

Jawohl, what?

Klink

Jawohl, Herr Feldwebel!

Schultz

That's better! About face! Fall in with the rest of them, you dummkopf! [Klink falls in with the other guards; Schultz turns to Hogan blissfully] Oh, it feels so good!

Klink

Repoooort!

Schultz

Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.

Klink

Good. Now, men, I have a very important announcement to make.

Newkirk

Hey, they're gonna surrender!

LeBeau

Good move!

Carter

Hey, the Krauts are gonna surrender!

Who told you?

Carter

I just heard it!

Klink

Colonel Hogan, control your men!

Hogan

I can't, sir, the news of your surrender is-

Klink

Who said anything about a surrender?

Hogan

You did.

Klink

When?

Hogan

Just now, you used the word yourself.

Klink

Only to deny it!

Hogan

Well, I had to start somewhere.

Klink

Silence!

Hogan

Okay, men, the surrender's off!

Klink

Now I've just had word that General Stauffen of the Fuehrer's headquarters will personally visit Stalag 13. I expect every prisoner in this camp to clean up and look neat.

Newkirk

Can't do it. Somebody stole me mascara brush!

Klink

Ha! How did you know it was a new code book?

Hogan

You wouldn't be so upset if it was an old code book. Now, be honest; would you?

Klink

No, I suppose not.

Klink

I don't care what you do with it just get building 12 ready for these officers!

Schultz

Jawohl Herr Kommandant! [Opens office door.] Beer is not important?

Klink

Ah, General Burkhalter, you're just in time! The Fuehrer has just made a surprise visit to Stalag 13!

General Burkhalter

The Fuehrer, here?

Klink

And in an excellent mood!

General Burkhalter

I must greet him at once!

Carter

I would have won the war a long time ago if it wasn't for my generals! All they do is eat, and have good times!

Hogan

Really?

Carter

Ja. I have one general who looks like a stuffed goose! But believe me, one day, the goose will hang high, BY HIS EARS!

General Burkhalter

On second thought, perhaps I will see the Fuehrer some other time.