Robert E. Hogan quotes from Hogan's Heroes

What is it you want?

Hogan

Cleveland.

Cleveland?

Hogan

I want to be Burgermeister. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, sir. I'll be loyal. One set of books.

Hogan

We're gonna build the bridge with a very special feature.

Newkirk

What do you mean by that?

Hogan

It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.

Hogan

[walks over with Klink to the ammunitions building; the painting has blurred the graffiti very little after being watered] You ordered us the paint the building; we painted it!

Klink

Colonel Hogan, this is not what I had in mind. I can still read those insults. Now, you will paint it again, and again, if necessary, until those insulting statements are gone. Now, PAINT IT! [storms away]

Hogan

[to the Allied POWs] All right, fellas, you heard the Kommandant. Now, let's get it right!

Klink

[tantruming] NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! [the building is now pink] A pink building on a military establishment? Are you mad?! If you think I wouldn't turn you over to the Gestapo, you are sadly mistaken.

Hogan

Come on, Colonel. It's about time we got a little color into the war. Everything's so drab.

Hogan

Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?

Carter

Reversible tie pins. On one side it says "Heil Hitler". On the other, "I was in Switzerland during the war".

Mmm, you smell good.

Hogan

The boys whipped up a little aftershave.

It's very exciting.

Hogan

It's called "unconditional surrender".

Hogan

Newkirk, what about a civilian suit this time for me?

Newkirk

Righto, guv'nor, you got it.

Hogan

Good. 'Civilian.' What a beautiful word. Next to 'girls.'

Newkirk

Colonel, don't you ever think about anything else but dames?

Hogan

Of course I do, but I fight it.

Klink

Don't you give me any credit for having any brains?

Hogan

I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.

Schultz

(In the barracks after finishing his patrol punishment)One thing I don't understand...How could I get so drunk on one glass of beer?

Col. Robert E. Hogan

Never drink on an empty stomach Schultz.

Schultz

You call this empty.(Referring to his belly)

Hogan

Colonel, you worry too much.

Klink

I worry? Huh. Your life is easy. You're only a prisoner of war.

Hogan

Didn't you learn anything from DuBois?

LeBeau

Well, most of the time we just made crepes suzettes.

Klink

So you wouldn't take my advice, eh, Hogan? Where are the two prisoners who tried to escape?

Hogan

If you'd stood any closer to them, your Iron Cross would get rusty.

Klink

Oh, you fools! Here's my reward: 30 days in the cooler! Take them away!

Hogan

30 days is a cruel, inhuman, unjustified punishment to be inflicted only by a sadist!

Klink

Flattery will get you nothing, my dear Colonel.

Klink

Does the name Michaels ring a bell with you?

Hogan

Michaels? Michaels. Yes, yes, it does, yes it does.

Klink

It does?

Hogan

Yeah. I knew this English girl, Diane Michaels. A beauty. Peach and cream complexion.

Klink

That is not the Michaels I had in mind. This one has a mustache.

Hogan

Oh, we're talking about two different girls.

Schultz

May I ask you something? Why are we building a boat? What are you up to?

Hogan

You really want to know, Schultz? Well-

Schultz

Please don't tell me. How about Captain Michaels? How are you going to get him out of the camp?

Hogan

(inhales to speak)

Schultz

Please don't tell me. Why am I asking you? Schultz, where is your sense of loyalty? Helping the enemies? Schultz, Schultz! What is happening to you?

Hogan

Ah, c'mon, Schultz. If you're gonna psychoanalyze yourself, go find a couch. We're busy here.

Schultz

How about the Kommandant?

Hogan

(now talking about the officers' club) He gave me his word he wouldn't peek. Wants it to be a surprise.

Schultz

Oh, BOY, is he going to be surprised.

Hogan

I said "volunteer", I can't order you to go on a mission like this. Now who's going to step forward and take this job thank you Lebeau.

Lebeau

I didn't move a muscle!

Hogan

You have that volunteer look.

Lebeau

That's how I got married: volunteered same way.