Chit Chatterson quotes from Histeria!

My brothers and I are leaving on a six-month loot and pillage of England, and we're looking for a ship with a savage countenance.

Chit Chatterson

Well, Boney, you've come to the right place! I've just the thing - one of our big, BIG sellers! On sale today only, we call it the terrifying King of the Jungle! [reveals a ship with a kitten figurehead]

It's a kitty!

Chit Chatterson

No, it's a ferocious jungle cat! ROARR!

It's a kitty! I can't invade England with a kitty on the front of my boat!

Chit Chatterson

Are you kidding? This thing will strike terror in their souls! It will send people running!

Only if they're allergic to kitties. I need something fierce!

Chit Chatterson

He's fierce!

He's smiling!

Chit Chatterson

No he's not!

That's one of those inscrutible little kitty smiles!

Chit Chatterson

No, he's thinking!

[sarcastically] Oh, thinking! Great! "Here come the Vikings, they're going to think us to death! Oh, my brain's filled with thoughts! Run for your lives!"

Chit Chatterson

Now now, Boneless baby, look at those eyes! They say, "I'm angry!" They say, "I'm dangerous!" They say--

They say, "Meow," he's a happy little kitten!

Chit Chatterson

I happen to know he's not the least bit happy. He's actually rather sad.

Oh, even better! "Run everyone! Here come the Sad Kitty Vikings! Look out or we'll depress you! Ooooh!"

Chit Chatterson

Okay, you want something fierce?

Well, that's the concept! Something that'll strike fear and make entire nations surrender and bow to us!

Chit Chatterson

I have just what you're looking for - the dreaded dragon! [reveals a figurehead of a duckling]

No, that's not a dragon.

Chit Chatterson

Sure it is; a fire-breathing dragon! ROARR!

No it's not, it's a duckie!

Chit Chatterson

Excuse me! Hello? A duckie? Earth to Boneless! That's a fire-breathing dragon!

With a beak and feathers?!

Chit Chatterson

Have you ever seen a real dragon?

No.

Chit Chatterson

They have beaks and feathers!

Not on my ship, they don't!

Chit Chatterson

We have a new design that just came in! We call it, Leader of the Wolfpack! [reveals a figurehead of a puppy] Whaddaya think?

I think you're deranged.

Chit Chatterson

Whaat?!

It's a puppy!

Chit Chatterson

No, it's a wol-uf! Howling at the moon! AH-OOOOOH!

It's a newborn puppy who's just done a naughty! Look, I don't think you're grasping the concept here. I want to soar over the waves with a ferocious figurehead on my ship!

Chit Chatterson

Soar, yes! How about a hawk, vicious, sweeping down for the kill?

Now you're talking!

Chit Chatterson

There ya go! [reveals a figurehead of a butterfly]

Hmm. Doesn't exactly resemble a hawk, does it?

Chit Chatterson

Sure that's a hawk all right, streaking through the sky! HAWWK! HAWWK!

Don't hawks have sharp talons, you know, CLAWS?

Chit Chatterson

Not always.

I think they do!

Chit Chatterson

They trim their claws!

What?!

Chit Chatterson

For special occasions, they trim them!

No they don't!

Chit Chatterson

Sure, for formal occasions!

Oh stop! It's not a hawk at all!

Chit Chatterson

Yes it is!

It's a butterfly!

Chit Chatterson

No!

Yes, a pretty butterfly, fluttering across the water!

Chit Chatterson

Hmm, hmm... I don't see it.

There's nothing scary here at all, is there?

Chit Chatterson

Well...

It's like all your ship's figureheads are being designed by a three-year-old!

Chit Chatterson

Oh, that's just not true!

No?

Chit Chatterson

No! Actually, I don't think he's over twelve months. [camera pans to reveal Big Fat Baby designing figureheads]

Chit Chatterson

Listen, Ive, now that you're tsar, you need to add a "the" to your name.

Huh?

Chit Chatterson

You know, like Attila the Hun, William the Conqueror? I've got a list of suggestions for you, compiled by our oppreresive despot search department!

Go on.

Chit Chatterson

OK, how about Ivan the Icky?

WHAT?! No!

Chit Chatterson

I agree, very bad. OK, here's a good one - Ivan the Disagreeable! I like that one. It says you're mean but you can still be reasoned with.

Absolutely not!

Chit Chatterson

Ivan the Finicky?

No!

Chit Chatterson

Ivan the Colicky?

No!

Chit Chatterson

Okay let's see, what else, what else? Ah! Ooh, this is you! You're gonna love this one, Ivey baby - Ivan the Naughty!

GET OUT! GET OUT! Aaaaaaah!

Chit Chatterson

Ivan, you're terrible!

That's it!

Chit Chatterson

Faboo! I knew we could work something out, Ivan, the Terrible! Can I just call you "Bl" for short?

NO! [kicks Chit out] Guards, off with his head!