IBIvar the Boneless
My brothers and I are leaving on a six-month loot and pillage of England, and we're looking for a ship with a savage countenance.
Well, Boney, you've come to the right place! I've just the thing - one of our big, BIG sellers! On sale today only, we call it the terrifying King of the Jungle! [reveals a ship with a kitten figurehead]
IBIvar the Boneless
It's a kitty!
No, it's a ferocious jungle cat! ROARR!
IBIvar the Boneless
It's a kitty! I can't invade England with a kitty on the front of my boat!
Are you kidding? This thing will strike terror in their souls! It will send people running!
IBIvar the Boneless
Only if they're allergic to kitties. I need something fierce!
IBIvar the Boneless
He's smiling!
IBIvar the Boneless
That's one of those inscrutible little kitty smiles!
IBIvar the Boneless
[sarcastically] Oh, thinking! Great! "Here come the Vikings, they're going to think us to death! Oh, my brain's filled with thoughts! Run for your lives!"
Now now, Boneless baby, look at those eyes! They say, "I'm angry!" They say, "I'm dangerous!" They say--
IBIvar the Boneless
They say, "Meow," he's a happy little kitten!
I happen to know he's not the least bit happy. He's actually rather sad.
IBIvar the Boneless
Oh, even better! "Run everyone! Here come the Sad Kitty Vikings! Look out or we'll depress you! Ooooh!"
Okay, you want something fierce?
IBIvar the Boneless
Well, that's the concept! Something that'll strike fear and make entire nations surrender and bow to us!
I have just what you're looking for - the dreaded dragon! [reveals a figurehead of a duckling]
IBIvar the Boneless
No, that's not a dragon.
Sure it is; a fire-breathing dragon! ROARR!
IBIvar the Boneless
No it's not, it's a duckie!
Excuse me! Hello? A duckie? Earth to Boneless! That's a fire-breathing dragon!
IBIvar the Boneless
With a beak and feathers?!
Have you ever seen a real dragon?
They have beaks and feathers!
IBIvar the Boneless
Not on my ship, they don't!
We have a new design that just came in! We call it, Leader of the Wolfpack! [reveals a figurehead of a puppy] Whaddaya think?
IBIvar the Boneless
I think you're deranged.
IBIvar the Boneless
It's a puppy!
No, it's a wol-uf! Howling at the moon! AH-OOOOOH!
IBIvar the Boneless
It's a newborn puppy who's just done a naughty! Look, I don't think you're grasping the concept here. I want to soar over the waves with a ferocious figurehead on my ship!
Soar, yes! How about a hawk, vicious, sweeping down for the kill?
IBIvar the Boneless
Now you're talking!
There ya go! [reveals a figurehead of a butterfly]
IBIvar the Boneless
Hmm. Doesn't exactly resemble a hawk, does it?
Sure that's a hawk all right, streaking through the sky! HAWWK! HAWWK!
IBIvar the Boneless
Don't hawks have sharp talons, you know, CLAWS?
IBIvar the Boneless
I think they do!
IBIvar the Boneless
What?!
For special occasions, they trim them!
IBIvar the Boneless
No they don't!
Sure, for formal occasions!
IBIvar the Boneless
Oh stop! It's not a hawk at all!
IBIvar the Boneless
It's a butterfly!
IBIvar the Boneless
Yes, a pretty butterfly, fluttering across the water!
Hmm, hmm... I don't see it.
IBIvar the Boneless
There's nothing scary here at all, is there?
IBIvar the Boneless
It's like all your ship's figureheads are being designed by a three-year-old!
Oh, that's just not true!
No! Actually, I don't think he's over twelve months. [camera pans to reveal Big Fat Baby designing figureheads]
Histeria! · 134 quotes
