Soos quotes from Gravity Falls

Young Soos

[reading a postcard from his father] "Sorry, Champ. Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure. -Dad."

Hey, don't sweat it, cuz. You'll see him next year.

Young Soos

Heh. Yeah. "Next year".

Young Soos

I'm gonna go lay down. You party without me, dudes.

Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges?

Stan

Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call?

Soos

Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy.

Stan

[via walkie-talkie] "Soos!"

Soos

[touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker] Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation?

Stan

"Soos, pick up!" [Soos picks up walkie-talkie]

Soos

Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food.

Stan

"Listen, I need something from you." [at police station] You know that vending machine in the gift shop? [via walkie-talkie] "I need you to guard it with your life. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine."

Soos

Time for a repair guy to become a repair man.

[hands out a kids box] Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal?

Soos

Just put one in my mouth. [employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it] Let's do this.

Stan

[while Soos is tackling his boss] Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order!

Soos

Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids!

Stan

Soos, you idiot, let me go!

Stan

I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family!

Dipper

Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!

Stan

Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy?

Dipper

He's lying! Shut it down NOW!

Stan

Mabel, please!

Ten. Nine.

Mabel

Grunkle Stan...

Six. Five.

Mabel

...I trust you.

Dipper

MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA-!

One.

Dipper

What...? Who is that?

Stan

The author of the journals. [The author sheds his headscarf revealing his face; he looks identical to Stan] My brother.

Mabel

Is this the part where one of us faints?

Soos

Oh, I am so on it, dude. [Does so]

Ford

I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley.

Dipper

Stanley?

Mabel

But... your name is Stanford.

Ford

Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head?

Dipper

Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies. You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret?

Mabel

And what happened between you and your brother?

Soos

I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed.

Stan

Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here. Brother!

Ford

[Punches him in the face]

Stan

Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for?

Ford

This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal. Didn't you read my warnings?

Stan

Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension?

Ford

Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did thirty years ago?

Stan

What I did? Why, you ungrateful... [Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him] Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're family. [As Ford slams him to the ground] Ah!

Mabel

Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: What the heck is going on here?!

Ford

Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher?

Soos

Heh heh. I get that a lot.

Stan

They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids.

Ford

I...have a niece and nephew? [Shakes Mabel's hand] Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time.

Mabel

Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal.

Ford

Heha, I like this kid. She's weird.

Dipper

I-I can't believe it... You're the author of the journals!

Ford

You've read my journals?

Dipper

I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I [Starts breathing heavily] OOH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. [Mabel comes over and pats him on the back] Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out.

YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN!

Dipper

I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps.

Stan

Aw, come on! Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen- SWEET LORD! [Stan stops the RV and sees the Mystery Shack already vandalised by the three tourist trap owners] AH, COME ON!

That's what you get! That's what you get!

Stan

I don't understand. I completely don't deserve this.

Dipper

Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up?

Mabel

Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it. Where is Soos, anyway?

Soos

Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you. When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move. [pause] Don't move. [another long pause] You know, I would make a really good scarecrow.

Dipper

[pants] Oh my gosh! This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind. We have to get out of here. We have to go back... to the real world!

Dipper

Hey!

Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule—mentioning reality. [people mutter indistinctly] Prepare to be banished from this land forever! [open a portal out to much-destroyed Gravity Falls]

Dipper

Mabel! You're smarter than this! Bill has you hypnotized or something! Are you really gonna let them banish me!?!

Mabel

No! Of course not! That's my brother, guys! There's gotta be another way.

Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial... of fantasy vs. reality. [is bitten] Hey! Seriously?!

Soos

[pointing to a stuffed rhino] It was him.

Dipper

Mabel, listen to yourself! This is crazy! I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can stay in here forever!

Hey, take a chill pill. Those grow on trees here.

Dipper

You stay outta this, Dippy Fresh!

Soos

Dude, calm down. Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dog.

Soos

Question: does it have any gun-swords? I watch a lot of anime and, trust me, you're going to want some gun-swords.

McGucket

What's an anime?

Soos

We have much to discuss.

Stan

Discuss nothing. These scribbles are a bunch of cockamamie balderdash. Excuse my French.

Je ne sais quoi sacrebleu au revoir. [Subtitles: I don't believe that was French.]

Soos

[through a microphone] Uh, hey, dudes. Is this thing on? Test. [feedback screeches] Heh. Uh, I just wanted you monster dudes to hand over Ford, or we'll have to, like, fight and junk. Heh. [pointing at Paci-Fire] Hey, you're a little cutie.

I have butchered millions on countless moons.

Soos

Whoa. I liked you better before you talked. Real... real bring-down, this guy.