Grunkle Stan quotes from Gravity Falls

YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN!

[on TV] This just in! Stanford Pines loses! [a picture of Stan with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it is shown]

[watching] WHAT?!

Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him, due to discovery of an extensive criminal record.

Stan

Oh boy...

Mabel

Stan, what did you do?!

Stan

What didn't I do?

[reading through papers] Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement", first-degree "llama-cide"...?

Stan

[shakes fist] That llama knew too much!

Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker.

Tyler

[blushing] Got it.

[is handed a gigantic stack of paper to read from] We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes: first-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking...

Stan

Whew! At least they didn't list any of the bad ones! On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast.

Ford

You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel.

Mabel

Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative.

Stan

[runs past, grabbing a pile of gold] MONEY!

Stan

Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure.

Dipper

Hey, we're both failures.

Dipper

I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps.

Stan

Aw, come on! Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen- SWEET LORD! [Stan stops the RV and sees the Mystery Shack already vandalised by the three tourist trap owners] AH, COME ON!

That's what you get! That's what you get!

Stan

I don't understand. I completely don't deserve this.

Dipper

Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up?

Mabel

Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it. Where is Soos, anyway?

Soos

Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you. When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move. [pause] Don't move. [another long pause] You know, I would make a really good scarecrow.

Stan

Hey, everything all right, pumpkin?

Mabel

Just can't believe the summer's almost over. And now that I know how awful high school's going to be, I'm in no hurry to start that train wreck.

Stan

Ah, nobody likes gettin' older. But just because you're growing doesn't mean you have to grow up, you know? I mean, look at me. I'm pushin' 70 and I still eat ice cream for dinner!

Mabel

But I don't wanna say goodbye to Gravity Falls.

Stan

Hey, at least whatever happens after this summer, you'll still have your brother along with you through thick and thin. Not everyone can say that, you know?

Stan

Since the Mayor got captured, I elected myself de-facto Chief. The plan's to stay in here and eat brown meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes.

Hey! I'm short, not deaf!

Stan

Shh. Stress will make you chewy.

Soos

Question: does it have any gun-swords? I watch a lot of anime and, trust me, you're going to want some gun-swords.

McGucket

What's an anime?

Soos

We have much to discuss.

Stan

Discuss nothing. These scribbles are a bunch of cockamamie balderdash. Excuse my French.

Je ne sais quoi sacrebleu au revoir. [Subtitles: I don't believe that was French.]

Bill

Last chance: tell me how to take Weirdmageddon global and I'll spare the kids!

Dipper

No! Don't do it!

Mabel

Yeah, Bill makes bad deals!

Bill

Don't you toy with me, Shooting Star! [his eye shows an image of a galaxy] I SEE EVERYTHI- [Mabel sprays it with paint] OW! Not again! Why?! Every time!

Stan

Nice shot, pumpkin!

Bill

I just regenerated that eye!

Mabel

I know that hurts, because I've accidentally done it to myself! Multiple times!

Bill

You two wait here! I've got some children I need to make into corpses! [morphs into a huge, red, multi-armed form] SEE YA REAL SOON!

Stan

No! Wait! No! No! Oh, what do we do? What do we do?!

Ford

[frantically bangs on cage bars] Kids!

Stan

Ohh, I can't believe this! The kids are gonna die and it's all my fault! Because I couldn't shake your stupid hand! Ugh, Dad was right about me. I am a screwup.

Ford

[sighs] Don't blame yourself. I'm the one who made a deal with Bill in the first place. I fell for all his easy flattery. You would've seen him for the scam artist he is. [drinks from "water" flask and shares it with Stan]

Stan

How did things get so messed up between us?

Ford

We used to be like Dipper and Mabel. The world's about to end and they still work together. How do they do it?

Stan

Easy. They're kids. They don't know any better. [Ford stands up] Whoa, where are you going?

Ford

I'm gonna play the only card we have left: let Bill into my mind. He'll be able to take over the galaxy and maybe even worse! But at least he might let the kids free.

Stan

What?! Are you kidding me?! Are you honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?!

Ford

Bill's only weak in the mindspace. If I didn't have this darn plate in my head, we could just erase him with the memory gun when he steps inside my mind.

Stan

What if he goes in my mind? My brain isn't good for anything.

Ford

[chuckles] There's nothing in your mind he wants. It has to be me. We need to take his deal. It's the only way he'll agree to save you and the kids.

Stan

Do you really think he's gonna make good on that deal?

Ford

What other choice do we have?

Bill

All right, Ford, time's up! I've got the kids! I think I'm gonna kill one of them right now, just for the heck of it! EENY... MEENY... MINEY...YOU!

Stan

[wearing Ford’s clothes and imitating Ford’s voice] Wait! I surrender.

Bill

Good choice.

Ford

[wearing Stan’s clothes and imitating Stan’s voice] Don’t do it Ford! It’ll destroy the universe!

Stan

It’s the only way!

Bill

HAHAHAHA! Oh, even when you're about to die, you Pines twins just can't get along. [drops the cage and ties up Ford]

Stan

My only condition is that you let my brother and the kids go!

Bill

Fine!

Dipper

No! Grunkle Ford! Don’t trust him!

Bill

It's a...DEAL! [Holds Stan's right hand, then enters the mental realm, petrifying his physical form and enters Stan’s mind]

Bill

Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here! Look at this place - a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to you, Ford. You really know how to clean your mi- [opens the door to reveal Stan sitting in a chair playing with a paddleball]

Stan

[Makes a clicking sound and points a finger-gun at Bill]

Bill

WHAT?!

Stan

Heh-heh, do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I? Switch clothes and no one can tell us apart. Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it.

Bill

What?! The deal's off! What the-?! No, no, no, NO!

Stan

Oh, yeah. You're goin' down, Bill. You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh?

Bill

Y-you idiot! Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind too?!

Stan

Eh. It's not like I was using this space for much anyway.

Bill

Let me outta here! Let me OUT! Why isn't this working?!

Stan

Hey, look at me. [angrily] Turn around and look at me, you one-eyed demon! You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family.

Bill

You're making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! PLEASE! No...! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?! [begins rapidly warping between several forms; screams distorted words:] !NRUTER YAM I TAHT REWOP TNEICNA EHT EKOVNI I !NRUB OT EMOC SAH EMIT YM !L-T-O-L-O-X-A STANLEY!!!!!!! [Stan punches Bill in the eye, making him dissolve into nothing with a final scream]

Stan

Heh. Guess I was good for something after all.