Puck quotes from Glee

What's a mash-up?

A mash-up is when you take two songs and mash them together to create an even richer explosion of musical expression.

Will

Hey, come on, come on. Get off him! Knock it off! Get off! Get off! Hey.

Finn

[to Puck] TELL THE TRUTH!

Punk just walked in and sucker punched me.

Finn

Don’t play dumb– you’re too freaking dumb to play dumb!

Will

Come on!

Quinn

Who told you this, Finn?

Kurt

Obviously, it was Rachel.

Rachel

What? I didn't do anything.

Finn

Yeah, it was Rachel, but I want to hear it from you. I want to hear it from both of you.

Will

Finn, just calm down.

Finn

NO! THEY'RE BOTH LYING TO ME! [to Quinn] Is it true? Just tell me– is it true?

Quinn

[begins to cry] Yes. Puck is the father.

Finn

So, all… All that stuff in the hot tub… You just made that up?

You were stupid enough to buy it.

Will

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Quinn

[sobbing] I am so sorry.

Finn

Screw this. I’m done with you. I’m done with… I'M DONE WITH ALL OF YOU! [kicks a chair and leaves the room while Quinn tearfully looks on]

Rachel

OK, Why don't we all take a moment to absorb what we've just watched.

Finn

This is garbage!

Will

Finn!

No, he's right. First of all, I need to trust my instincts more, because I had a feeling when we were shooting it that it was not going to be good.

Jesse

Why didn't you tell me they were in this, too? I thought you and I were going out! Being triple-cast with two other guys to play opposite your girlfriend - it's mortifying.

Rachel

It was an artistic statement.

Finn

No it wasn't! It was you trying to look like you had a bunch of guys fighting over you, so you could stop looking like some kind of outcast and be seen as some hot, slutty girl singer! (He walks up to her) How could you do this to me? To all us guys? Is your reputation more important than all your relationships? (Finn walks out, followed by Jesse)

Rachel

Jesse, wait!

I feel like that guy who lost all his hair and then lost all his strength.

Santana

Samson?

Agassi.

I mean, it's just a mohawk, right? I'm still Pucksaurus.

Santana

Actually, I don't know if it's the missing mohawk or the whining, but I'm totally not turned on by you right now.

You're wrong. It's a really good name. It's a rockstar name.

Quinn

You wanna name our daughter Jack Daniels? She's a girl.

Okay, fine – whatever. Jackie Danielle.

Finn

This so isn't you.

Tina

I feel like an Asian Branch Davidian.

Will

Tina, are there any other looks you can try?

Santana

Biker chick?

Finn

Cowgirl?

Mercedes

Hoodrat.

Quinn

Computer programmer?

Brittany

Cross-country skier.

Catholic schoolgirl?

Brittany

Happy Meal, no onions. Or a chicken.

Wait, where's Rachel? I mean, I only noticed because, like, five minutes have gone by without her saying something totally obnoxious.

Mercedes

Rachel got some intense news yesterday.

Quinn

We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline when-

Will

Guys! It's not right to spy...but what did you find out?

Mercedes

Okay, y'all ready? Ms. Corcoran, the Vocal Adrenaline coach... she's Rachel's mom.

Will

Are you serious?

We're screwed. Rachel's going to jump ship for Vocal Adrenaline.

Rachel

Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?

Artie

Isn't that against the rules?

Rachel

No, not at all. Or…probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out: I rooted through the dumpsters behind the auditorium and I found eighteen empty boxes of Christmas lights!

Tina

Oh, no.

Rachel

Which led me to the fabric store. I asked about red Chantilly lace; they were sold out.

Mercedes

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Kurt

Oh, my.

Will

What?

Kurt

They're doing Gaga.

Mercedes

That's it; it's over.

Rachel

Exactly!

Kurt

We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them!

What's up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?

Kurt

Lady Gaga is a woman! She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation, and she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.

Brittany

It's true.

Will

Hey, what's going on?

Finn

We're on our way to go all Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline.

Will

Guys, violence is never the answer.

It is when the question is, "What's the best way to mess up that Jesse kid's face?"

Kurt

Mr. Schue, Rachel is one of us. We're the only ones who get to humiliate her.

Will

Stop! Get back here and sit down! Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away. You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does. We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.

Finn

We can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelette.

Will

We're not. Rachel, dial Jesse's number on your phone.

Santana

You still have his number?

Will

Jesse St. James? Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp. [hangs up]

See you punks at Regionals. [He leaves the stage.]

Jesse

[Shocked] They did a funk number. [To Giselle who's sitting next to him] We've never been able to pull off a funk number.

Well, that's because we're soulless automatons.

Jesse

I'm so depressed.

Jacob

Confirm or deny the rumor that because you knocked up Quinn Fabray, you spent all your summer pool cleaning money on a vasectomy.

It's true. It was the responsible thing to do.

Jacob

Is it also true you're suffering from a crippling depression because you're not over Miss Fabray? [Puck blocks the camera's view.]

Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?

Sam

I don't know, I've never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?

Finn

[aside to Artie] I like this kid.

Artie

[to Finn] I like his confidence. But the Bieber cut's gotta go.

Oh my God, he's coming out.

Finn

Why, yes, there is a man who's sort of recently come into my life, and that man is Jesus Christ.

That's way worse.

Mercedes

I don't see what's wrong with getting a little church in here.

Quinn

I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I've turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.

Santana

Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard-baby?

Brittany

Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.

Finn

You got a problem with Jesus?

Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Heb. What I don't like seeing is people using J-Money to cramp everyone else's style 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality or whatever you want to call it is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I mean, I see God every time I make out with a new chick.