And just like a famous athlete I want to give to a charity. You guys. So I'm setting up a kissing booth for a dollar a smooch and donating the proceeds to glee club to help us-
Don't even act like you want to help this glee club out. You just want to kiss a bunch of girls.
SantanaI've kissed him, and can I just say? Not worth the buck. I would, however, pay a hundred dollars to jiggle one of his man boobs.
Do you ever get tired tearing other people down?
Santana
No, not really.
'Cause you always seemed to be meddling in everyone else's business.
Santana
Oh please. You guys love me. I keep it real and I'm hilarious.
Actually, you're just a bitch.
[Everyone laughs and gasps in shock.]
Santana
[turns to Lauren] Whoa! Okay, I'm sorry. You just got eyes for my man.
Okay, first of all, I'm not your man.
And Finn is right. All you ever do is insult us. Three weeks ago, you said you were disappointed that I didn't have a lizard baby.
Five minutes ago, you said Mr. Schue belonged into a twelve step program.
Santana
You're addicted to vests.
The truth is, Santana, you can dish it out but you can't take it. Okay maybe you're right. Maybe I'm destined to play the title role in the Broadway musical of Willow, but the only job you're gonna have is working on a pole.
[Everyone gasps.]
Santana
I won't tell Lauren to look out for poachers who might might mistake her for the endangered white rhino.
I heard that. Don't make me rip that weave off your head.
Santana
Hello, Lauren. You are a beautiful person.
Santana
Now get out of the way, please. Afores I ends you.
You don't want to push me.
Santana
You see, I sorta do. I'm from a part of town called Lima Heights adjacent. You know where that is, Poppin' Fresh? It's on the wrong side of the tracks. [flicks her hand at Lauren's shoulder]
[piggy back rides Mike and nibbling his ear]
Santana
[voiceover] How is this possible? I'm the hottest piece of action in this school, and here I am, on Valentine's and single. Whatever. I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable.
Santana
Wait, that's weird. Quinn has that queen bitch smirk on her face and Finn only has that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something. [gasps] Holy sweet hell. They're fooling around! I know what cheating looks like! I do it all the time. [chuckles]
Santana
[talking on her cellphone] It sounds awful. Is anyone even going?
[walks next to Santana and holds out her cellphone] Let me find out. [dials Artie] Did you hear?
[on his cellphone] Yes. Mercedes just told me.
[pushing Artie's wheelchair] Tell them I'll go if they go.
Tell them yourselves. I ain't no Pony Express.
[rolls her eyes and turns on her headset] You're going, right?
Santana
Only if there's liquor. Because a Rachel Berry house party is not something I can do sober.
But it's Alcohol Awareness week.
Santana
Precisely and I'm aware of how much fun alcohol is. Let's ask Puckerman. [dials Puck]
[on his cellphone] Go for Puck.
Santana
Noah, it's Santittany and Artcedes. Can your friends score us some wine coolers?
[Everyone meets up at the same time.]
[burps] It tastes like pink. It tastes like pink! PINK!
[dancing and talking to Finn] Are you not drinking?
No. Designated driver. What about you?
I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy. [looks at Blaine]
Clearly he doesn't have the same concern.
Hey, it is so cool that you and Kurt are brothers...Like brothers. Wow. You're so tall.
Are you having fun, Blaine?
Yeah. This is the best party ever!
Finny, dance with me. [dances with Finn] We had it going on, right? I wasn't making it up or anything? I'd do anything for you. Anything.
[lets go of Rachel] Okay Rachel, since this is your first time at this, I'm going to break it down for you. [sits down with Rachel]
Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.
Santana
[crying] You like her more than me! She's blond and awesome and so smart. Admit it! Just admit it!
Santana
No kiss me! [kisses Sam]
Lauren Zizes and Quinn, the anger girl drunks.
I can't believe what you did to my body! I used to have abs!
Who told you that hairstyle was cool? Geronimo?
Brittany, the girl who also turns into a stripper drunk.
[throwing money into the air] Makin' it rain! [laughing] That's my girlfriend. I love you babe.
Mercedes and Tina, happy girl drunks.
MTMercedes and Tina
[laughing hysterically]
And then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey. It's not cool.
[frowns and pats Finn's back] What-What kind of girl is this? [stands up] Let's play spin the bottle!
[Everyone cheers.]
Santana
You know what? This is not...hey honeys, this is not a Big Red commercial, all right? No me gusta.
Whoo! Party! My turn. My turn. [spins the bottle and it lands on Blaine]
[Everyone oohs and laughs.]
[wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I need to close my locker and it's going to sound like a gunshot. [closes her locker gently]
[starts walking with Tina, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I've had the worst hangover since Saturday and it's Monday.
Santana
[joins them, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] I've been dry heaving all weekend. When my mother asked what the sound was I told her I was practicing bird calls.
[joins them, also wearing sunglasses and looks exhausted] You guys, I can't stop barfing.
Santana
I caught a whiff of hairspray and went full Linda Blair in the girl's bathroom.
I told my mom I had the flu and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair.
Can we talk about anything else?
[Tina, Mercedes, Santana and Mike meet up with Sam, Brittany, Artie and Quinn who are all wearing sunglasses and look tired.]
[looking at the audience] You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha has been a culture icon for weeks and I really wanna do her music justice.
We haven't had enough rehearsal.
And most of our assembly performances usually end in some kind of riot.
Never fear, teammates. [hands plastic cups to everyone] Now it's a Broadway tradition for nervous performers to take a shot of whiskey before going on to calm their nerves and to mask the stench of bad dental hygiene. [pours her drink in each cup] In that tradition, I have mixed us a playful showbiz cocktail of what was left in my dad's liquor cabinet. There's some Brandy and Vermouth, Portwine, and Scotch in here and also some Kool-aid and some crumbled up Oreos.
Santana
Oh my God, this tastes like cough syrup.
There's also cough syrup in here.
[Everyone clanks their cups together.]
Glee · 1,090 quotes
