TV show quotes
Oh, oh. Well, uh. . .ugh, why don’t we move Aunt Cecile? She was always so annoying at parties. She loved the knock-knock jokes.
Mom!
What?
You can’t just kick out Aunt Cecile.
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Pineapple. Pineapple who? That’s where it ended. Never fully grasped the knock-knock concept.
She was a complete idiot. Okay, it’s decided – Cecile goes.
How tall are you?
Why? You wanna dance?
No, thank you. [pause] I appreciate the offer, though.
Luke, you gotta come out there with me. Patty gave my picture out to all these guys because she thinks I need a man.
You do, one with a nice couch and a deep knowledge of Freud.
Ah man. I remember the days of lying to my mother about a boy. Once I had a boy hidden in the closet and of course Mom wouldn’t leave, so I finally had to pretend to get sick to my stomach just to get her out of the room long enough for him to climb out the window and down the tree. He fell, broke his leg. Ah, to be young again.
Why would he do this?
Maybe he was hungry.
He’s trying to make me crazy.
Just don’t let him.
[Jess walks up behind them.]
I gotta tell you, of all the nutty barn raising shindigs this town can cook up, this one wasn’t half bad.
Glad you enjoyed it.
Yes I did. So shall we?
"Shall we" what?
Shall we go?
Go where?
Go eat.
Excuse me?
The person who buys the basket wins the company of the person who makes the basket for lunch. Basket. Basket maker. Guy who didn’t bring enough money.
You think this is funny.
Well, it’s no Lenny Bruce routine, but it has its moments.
Bye, Jess.
Where you going?
You’re the one who’s going.
Oh, as soon as Rory is ready.
She’s not going with you.
Really, is that true?
Yes, it’s true.
Excuse me Edgar Bergen, I think I’d like Charlie McCarthy to answer now.
Shut up.
Dean.
What?
Well…
Oh, come on!
It’s tradition.
I don’t believe this.
It’s true. My mother and I have been doing this every year since we moved here.
So, buck tradition.
Are you kidding? Do you remember how mad Taylor was when I was sick and I couldn’t go to the turkey-calling contest?
This isn’t school, you’re not getting graded.
Just don’t make this into a big thing.
Don’t go.
Oh, geez, man, she’s not shipping off to ‘Nam.
You SO need to shut up now.
I think we should get married. Soon.
Are you pregnant?
Well, having company is about making sacrifices.
Martha Stewart?
A paraphrased Proust.
There are a lot of nice historical places up there.
Something historical in our price range would be perfect.
You know historical homes are infested with mold, don’t you?
Mold?
It gets inside the walls and grows out of sight and shoots off spores that slowly kill you and your family.
You should get a show on the Home and Garden channel, Mom.
Ow!
Luke, are you okay?
Stupid box! Stupid lamp!
Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?
[Jess and Luke are searching for an apartment.]
Forget it!
Why? What was wrong with it?
It was pink!
We can paint it.
You mean I can paint it.
We can paint it together.
Great! Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.
Fine. Which one did you like?
The one before.
The one with the two fridges?
No.
Well, the one before was the one with two fridges.
No, the one we saw before was the one with the cat!
I hate cats!
Well, I don't think the cat came with the place.
Yeah, but it had carpeting which means it's always gonna smell like a cat.
(shrugs) Clean the carpet.
Paint the pink.
Fine. The one next to the bank.
Nah, too many windows.
What?
Six windows, all on one side, three o'clock in the afternoon, we're sittin' in an oven.
So we get curtains.
Well, you'd have to help me put them up.
Great! Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.
Stop saying that!
[Jess enters Lorelai's kitchen for a break from cleaning the gutters on her house, and she offers him Chinese takeout leftovers.]
So, umm... basically, uh, everything here is chicken. You got... garlic chicken, Kung Pao chicken, Szechuan chicken, chicken in brown sauce, which looks and tastes remarkably like the Szechuan chicken, except it's got these red peppers in it, and if you eat them, you die. Plate?
Uh, I'd thought I, uh... (motioning to his filthy hands)
Oh, soap's on the counter.
So when was the last time you had those gutters cleaned?
It's been a while.
Yeah, I found an "I Like Ike" bumper sticker up there.
(giggles) Is it really bad?
Well, it won't be by tomorrow.
(hands him a spoon for his plate) I like hearing that!
So, you guys aren't too hot on vegetables, huh?
What are you talking about? There's green pepper in the Kung Pao.
My mistake.
So, are you a healthy eater like Luke?
No... no one's a healthy eater like Luke; Euell Gibbons wasn't a healthy eater like Luke!
Wow... it's been AGES since I've a good "Euell Gibbons" reference!
Many parts of the pine tree ARE edible.
I think I have gangrene.
You do not.
And vertigo.
Oh boy.
And one leg suddenly feels shorter than the other.
This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over again, isn’t it?
[After Jess has finished cleaning the gutters on the roof, Lorelai walks out assuming he took Rory's bracelet.]
You leaving?
Yeah, all done.
You weren’t gonna come get your money?
Ah, I figured I’d get it eventually. It’s not like I don’t know where you guys live.
(chuckles) That’s true. You certainly do know where we live. Well here. (hands him the money he made for cleaning the gutters.) After all, you earned it.
Thanks.
You took it, didn’t you?
Excuse me?
Rory’s bracelet; you had it the whole time.
No idea what you’re talking about.
How’d you get it?
I didn’t get anything.
What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?
Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus.
Very funny.
Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous response.
So it’s just a great big ol’ coincidence that I catch you coming out of Rory’s room a half an hour before she mysteriously finds the bracelet under her bed?
Guess so.
Why would you do this?
I gotta go.
I mean, I know you hate the world, but I thought you liked Rory.
I didn't do anything.
Bull.
(scoffs) Whatever.
Oh, don’t "whatever" me, you little jerk! You let Rory run around completely panicked, thinking she lost her boyfriend’s bracelet. She was miserable, do you understand that?!
I didn't take it!
I’m sure you’re jealous of Dean because he’s great and Rory’s madly in love with him, but you taking the bracelet didn’t hurt Dean, it hurt Rory. That bracelet is the most precious thing she owns. She never takes it off. It means everything to her, and you stealing it was unbelievably cruel!
The "most precious thing she owns"?
Yes!
If it’s the "most precious thing she owns", why did it take her TWO WEEKS to figure out it was gone, huh?! (Lorelai is dumbfounded) You might wanna re-evaluate how madly in love she is. I wouldn’t start calling him "son" yet.
Get outta here!
You read my mind. (walks off)
[to Lorelai] You're muttering under your breath. Years of experience have taught me that when you do that, it's usually about me.
Mom, you signed us up for a couple's massage.
So?
A couple's massage is for a couple not a couple of people.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Gilmore Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
