Lorelai Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Rory

Hey. My mom's not wearing any underwear.

Lorelai

Oh!

Rory

Well you aren't.

Taylor

You're just being selfish, Luke.

Lorelai

Still they don't notice. I can't take it anymore.

Taylor

We're talking about the spirit of fall.

Lorelai

What kind of muffin do you want?

Rory

Blueberry.

Luke

You know where you can stick the spirit of fall?

Luke

Here, don't use your hands.

Taylor

I don't think you're taking me seriously.

Luke

What gave you that idea? [to Lorelai, who is leaving] No tip?

Lorelai

Oh, yeah, here's a tip: serve your customers.

Luke

Here's another: don't sit on any cold benches.

Lorelai

That Lothario over there has wormed his way into my daughter's heart — and mouth — and for that, he must die!

Luke

You can't kill the bag boy.

Lorelai

Why not?

Luke

It's double coupon day — you'll bring down the town.

Lorelai

Stop saying mother like that.

Rory

Like what?

Lorelai

Like there's supposed to be another word after that.

Rory

Mom! What are you doing in here?

Lorelai

[idly flipping though a magazine] Trying to find the best bathing suit for my bust size?

Rory

Well… get back in there!

Lorelai

[concerned] Why? What happened? Did the bad boy try something?

Rory

He's sitting there, and he's watching the movie, and he's perfect, and he smells really good!

Lorelai

What?

Rory

He smells really good, and he looks amazing, and I am stupid! I said "Thank you"!

Lorelai

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You… you said "Thank you"?

Rory

When he kissed me!

Lorelai

Wai… He kissed you again? What is he, just out of prison or something?

Rory

No, not now. Yesterday? At the store?

Lorelai

Oh, all right. Strike the prison comment. So wait… he kissed you, and you said "Thank you"?

Rory

[disgustedly] Yes!

Lorelai

[sweetly] Well, that was very polite.

Rory

No, it was stupid! And I don't know what I'm doing here, you're sitting here in the kitchen… what kind of chaperone are you?

Lorelai

Me? I'm not trying to be a chaperone. I'm trying to be a girlfriend.

Rory

Well, switch gears, 'cause I'm freaking out here!

Lorelai

You really like him, don't you?

Rory

[troubled] Yeah!

Lorelai

Well, okay then. Just calm down.

Rory

I just don't want to do or say anything else that's gonna be remotely moronic.

Lorelai

I'm afraid once your heart is involved, it all comes out in Moron.

Lorelai

Rory likes you.

Dean

Yes, she likes me, but you're her best friend, and if you don't like me, I won't get anywhere.

Lorelai

I want to like you.

Dean

But you don't like me.

Lorelai

But I want to like you... and I usually get what I want.

Lorelai

Michel, it's the first snowfall of the season. It's very lucky! Make a wish.

Michel

Get away from me.

Lorelai

Oh, you're not supposed to say it out loud.

Lorelai

[dreamily to herself] The world changes when it snows. It's quiet. Everything softens.

Michel

It's your mother.

Lorelai

And then the rain comes.

Emily

Have you seen the news?

Lorelai

Ever?

Emily

A bad storm is heading your way. It's already hitting us here.

Lorelai

Well, don't panic. I'll get the ark, you get the animals.

Emily

I just sent Lance to pick up Rory at school. The roads are terrible — black ice everywhere. It's just a mess out there. I hate this kind of weather. So, anyhow, what time will you get here?

Lorelai

Well, uh, gee, Mom, I don't know. Let me see… black ice, treacherous roads. I'll just put on my red, white, and blue leotard, grab my golden lasso, and fly the invisible plane on over?

Emily

You're not coming.

Lorelai

Well, if it's as bad as you say it is, I don't see how I can get there.

Emily

Well, I guess it'll just be the three of us then.

Lorelai

I guess so.

Emily

And you know, Rory should probably spend the night tonight also.

Lorelai

Uh, okay.

Emily

And if it's still bad tomorrow…

Lorelai

Mom? Why don't you wait to see what the weather does before you fill out a change of address card for her?

Michel

Not everyone finds the idea of being pelted with frozen water appealing.

Lorelai

I know, and how sad for them.

Michel

The thrilling sensation of getting lost in a blizzard, of freezing to death in the woods and having to eat your friend's buttocks to stay alive. That is lost on many people.

Emily

There ya' go.

Lorelai

Mom, I think… somebody already ate that.

Emily

That is a mashed banana on toast.

Lorelai

[doubtfully] Mm-kay.

Emily

I used to make this all the time for you when you were a little girl.

Lorelai

You did?

Emily

Yes! Whenever you got sick, I made this.

Lorelai

You sure it wasn't the other way around?

Emily

What are you doing?

Lorelai

I'm taking out the avocado.

Emily

Since when don't you like avocado?

Lorelai

Since I said "Gross, what's that?" and you said "Avocado."

Lorelai

I feel like this is one of those moments when I should be remembering all the great times I had with my dad, you know. The time he took me shopping for a Barbie or to the circus or fishing but my mind is a complete blank.

Luke

Well I'm sure it happened.

Lorelai

No it didn't. We never did any of that. He went to work, he came home, he read the paper, he went to bed, I snuck out the window. Simple. He was a very by the numbers guy. I was never very good with numbers.

Luke

I'm sure he loves you.

Lorelai

You know my dad is not a bad guy.

Luke

I'm sure he's not.

Lorelai

He lived his life the way he thought he was supposed to. He followed the rules taught to him by his non-fishing-non-Barbie-buying dad. He worked hard. He bought a nice house. He provided for my mom. All he asked in return was for his daughter to wear white dresses and go to cotillion and want the same life that he had. What a disappointment it must have been for him to get me.

Luke

I can't imagine anyone seeing you as a disappointment.

Luke

[as Lorelai avoids going into her father's hospital room] So, who are you going to go find now?

Lorelai

Stop.

Luke

How about Jimmy Hoffa? That'll keep you busy for a while.

Lorelai

I said stop.

Luke

You can't avoid going in that room forever.

Lorelai

I'm not avoiding anything. I'm going to find coffee.

Luke

The machine is jammed.

Lorelai

There are other machines.

Luke

Admit you're afraid.

Lorelai

You have no idea what you're talking about.

Luke

The truth hurts.

Lorelai

No, you know what hurts? Having a screwdriver jammed in the side of your head.

Luke

What? [Looks behind him and sees a person on a gurney] Oh, my God!

Lorelai

Rory, there are only two things that I trust in this entire world. The fact that I will never be able to understand what Charo is saying no matter how long she lives in this country, and you.

Rory

Hopefully not in that order.

Rory

Buttercup is a special dog. She's extremely skittish and tends to react badly towards blonde haired females, brunette males, children of either sex, other animals, red clothing, cabbage or anyone in a uniform.

Lorelai

[to Luke] Hey, we just found the doggy version of you.

Luke

Who's Skippy?

Rory

Skippy was our hamster.

Lorelai

He doesn't care

Luke

[asking curiously] What happened to Skippy?

Lorelai

[Defensively] Nothing happened to Skippy.

Rory

Every time Mom put her hand in his cage, he'd bite her.

Lorelai

And laugh.

Luke

Hamsters don't laugh.

Lorelai

Oh, this one laughed, trust me.

Rory

So finally she got fed up.

Luke

Of being laughed at by a hamster?

Lorelai

Well yeah!

Rory

And she stopped cleaning it's cage. Instead, every day she'd stuff some Kleenex in there.

Luke

You didn't.

Lorelai

It was the quilted kind.

Rory

So this keeps going on and the cage is just a cage full of Kleenex that moves a little, and the smell - really good.

Luke

I can imagine.

Lorelai

No, no, you can't!

Rory

So she takes the cage to the place where we bought him, waits for the sales guy to go behind the desk, and dumps it on the counter, then bolts.

Luke

You abandoned your hamster?

Lorelai

Look, I know it was bad, but this was a vicious hamster. This was like a "Damien" hamster with little beady eyes and a big forked tail and a cape with a hood and... bye bye Buttercup. Bye, Luke.

Rory

You did the right thing.

Lorelai

Uh, I want a pet.