Lorelai Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Emily

Do you think you'll be single your entire life?

Lorelai

Excuse me?

Emily

I mean in terms of you finding someone, what do you think the odds are?

Lorelai

Ok, what is going on?

Emily

Well, I visited the family mausoleum today...

Lorelai

[to Rory] Never what you think it's going to be!

Lorelai

Oh, oh. Well, uh. . .ugh, why don’t we move Aunt Cecile? She was always so annoying at parties. She loved the knock-knock jokes.

Rory

Mom!

Lorelai

What?

Rory

You can’t just kick out Aunt Cecile.

Lorelai

Knock-knock. Who’s there? Pineapple. Pineapple who? That’s where it ended. Never fully grasped the knock-knock concept.

Emily

She was a complete idiot. Okay, it’s decided – Cecile goes.

Lorelai

Luke, you gotta come out there with me. Patty gave my picture out to all these guys because she thinks I need a man.

Luke

You do, one with a nice couch and a deep knowledge of Freud.

Rory

Well, having company is about making sacrifices.

Lorelai

Martha Stewart?

Rory

A paraphrased Proust.

Richard

There are a lot of nice historical places up there.

Christopher

Something historical in our price range would be perfect.

Emily

You know historical homes are infested with mold, don’t you?

Lorelai

Mold?

Emily

It gets inside the walls and grows out of sight and shoots off spores that slowly kill you and your family.

Lorelai

You should get a show on the Home and Garden channel, Mom.

Luke

Ow!

Lorelai

Luke, are you okay?

Luke

Stupid box! Stupid lamp!

Lorelai

Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?

Lorelai

So, umm... basically, uh, everything here is chicken. You got... garlic chicken, Kung Pao chicken, Szechuan chicken, chicken in brown sauce, which looks and tastes remarkably like the Szechuan chicken, except it's got these red peppers in it, and if you eat them, you die. Plate?

Jess

Uh, I'd thought I, uh... (motioning to his filthy hands)

Lorelai

Oh, soap's on the counter.

Jess

So when was the last time you had those gutters cleaned?

Lorelai

It's been a while.

Jess

Yeah, I found an "I Like Ike" bumper sticker up there.

Lorelai

(giggles) Is it really bad?

Jess

Well, it won't be by tomorrow.

Lorelai

(hands him a spoon for his plate) I like hearing that!

Jess

So, you guys aren't too hot on vegetables, huh?

Lorelai

What are you talking about? There's green pepper in the Kung Pao.

Jess

My mistake.

Lorelai

So, are you a healthy eater like Luke?

Jess

No... no one's a healthy eater like Luke; Euell Gibbons wasn't a healthy eater like Luke!

Lorelai

Wow... it's been AGES since I've a good "Euell Gibbons" reference!

Jess

Many parts of the pine tree ARE edible.

Lorelai

I think I have gangrene.

Rory

You do not.

Lorelai

And vertigo.

Rory

Oh boy.

Lorelai

And one leg suddenly feels shorter than the other.

Rory

This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over again, isn’t it?

Lorelai

You leaving?

Jess

Yeah, all done.

Lorelai

You weren’t gonna come get your money?

Jess

Ah, I figured I’d get it eventually. It’s not like I don’t know where you guys live.

Lorelai

(chuckles) That’s true. You certainly do know where we live. Well here. (hands him the money he made for cleaning the gutters.) After all, you earned it.

Jess

Thanks.

Lorelai

You took it, didn’t you?

Jess

Excuse me?

Lorelai

Rory’s bracelet; you had it the whole time.

Jess

No idea what you’re talking about.

Lorelai

How’d you get it?

Jess

I didn’t get anything.

Lorelai

What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?

Jess

Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus.

Lorelai

Very funny.

Jess

Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous response.

Lorelai

So it’s just a great big ol’ coincidence that I catch you coming out of Rory’s room a half an hour before she mysteriously finds the bracelet under her bed?

Jess

Guess so.

Lorelai

Why would you do this?

Jess

I gotta go.

Lorelai

I mean, I know you hate the world, but I thought you liked Rory.

Jess

I didn't do anything.

Lorelai

Bull.

Jess

(scoffs) Whatever.

Lorelai

Oh, don’t "whatever" me, you little jerk! You let Rory run around completely panicked, thinking she lost her boyfriend’s bracelet. She was miserable, do you understand that?!

Jess

I didn't take it!

Lorelai

I’m sure you’re jealous of Dean because he’s great and Rory’s madly in love with him, but you taking the bracelet didn’t hurt Dean, it hurt Rory. That bracelet is the most precious thing she owns. She never takes it off. It means everything to her, and you stealing it was unbelievably cruel!

Jess

The "most precious thing she owns"?

Lorelai

Yes!

Jess

If it’s the "most precious thing she owns", why did it take her TWO WEEKS to figure out it was gone, huh?! (Lorelai is dumbfounded) You might wanna re-evaluate how madly in love she is. I wouldn’t start calling him "son" yet.

Lorelai

Get outta here!

Jess

You read my mind. (walks off)

Lorelai

Mom, you signed us up for a couple's massage.

Emily

So?

Lorelai

A couple's massage is for a couple not a couple of people.

Emily

And I certainly don’t eat at bars. Hookers eat at bars.

Lorelai

Only if they can’t get a table.

Michel

That fellow's on the phone from the restaurant.

Lorelai

Who?

Michel

The flannel man with the protruding ankles.

Lorelai

Oh, Luke?

Michel

I forgot his name from the desk to here, that's how memorable he is.

Taylor

Late again, are we?

Lorelai

Yes, I hope I’m not pregnant!

Taylor

You really have to work on your punctuality, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half an hour ago.

Lorelai

Oooh, dirty!

Taylor

Mhmm, just what I thought. This is not the proper permit for this kind of business. This is a type 24B otherwise known as a cart, kiosk, cart/kiosk permit. This is not valid for your business.

Why'd you say it twice?

Taylor

Hmm?

Babette

You said cart kiosk cart kiosk!

Lorelai

Its repetitive

Rory

And redundant

Lorelai

Its repetitive

Rory

And redundant!

Lorelai

We certainly are entertaining, Mac!

Rory

Indubitably, Tosh