Lorelai Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Lorelai

Sookie, what are you downloading from Prague?

Sookie

Color samples for the big ceramic stands.

Lorelai

Big ceramic stands for what?

Sookie

For the giant paper mache mushrooms.

Lorelai

What are the paper mache mushrooms for?

Sookie

For the midgets dressed like angels to dance under, silly!

Lorelai

I just assumed, since you gave up carbs a year ago, she knew.

Michel

[angrily] Yes! Well, you know what happens when you assume?

Lorelai

What?

Michel

I don't know! S-something about a donkey! It's a… stupid American phrase!

Emily

Lorelai Gilmore, are you seriously suggesting that your father go to a complete stranger and talk about his personal life?

Lorelai

Lots of people swear by it.

Emily

Yes, disturbed people, deviants, people with multiple personalities who see things and hear things talking to them and roam the streets talking to themselves and licking parking meters.

Kirk

I don't know if you know this about me, but I have very creative ambitions.

Lorelai

I did not know that about you, Kirk.

Kirk

It's true.

Lorelai

I hate crossword puzzles. They make me feel stupid.

Rory

Then don’t do ‘em.

Lorelai

Well, but if you don’t do them, you’re not only stupid, you’re also a coward.

Kirk

Ah, Lorelai, good. I need one minute of your time.

Lorelai

I’ll give you two because you scare me.

Emily

You're crude and unprofessional.

Lorelai

I'd like that on my tombstone please.

Rory

What?

Lorelai

Nothing. Are you tilting?

Rory

No.

Lorelai

I think you’re tilting.

Rory

I’m not tilting.

Lorelai

Do you wanna hold onto my purse? It might even you out.

Rory

Stop anytime you like. What are you doing?

Lorelai

Well, I’m gonna get a pen and put it on top of your head and see if it rolls off.

Rory

Okay, see, this is not how you console the injured.

Lorelai

That’s right, you make coffee, so you’ll need a coffee maker. Let’s see. Ugly, crappy, German, ooh - pretty!

Richard

Oh, well, as long as it’s pretty...

Lorelai

Oh, I'm so excited! Isn't this exciting?

I've been doing this for eight years.

Lorelai

Oh. So, not so exciting for you, then.

Rory

What does a stroke feel like?

Lorelai

I dunno. Bad.

Lorelai

Is Jackson in the house? Lemme hear ya say "ugh".

Ugh.

Lorelai

A new toy.

Rory

Shameless.

Lorelai

You are my favored eldest child. You get to stay by my side.

Rory

I feel privileged.

Lorelai

A 25 dollars savings bond.

Christopher

That's a long-term investment. Don't touch it for thirty years and you're looking at 45 dollars.

Lorelai

Huh. You know what I just realized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world.

Rory

Huh.

Lorelai

I mean, think about it. You never hear the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.

Emily

Oh, dear God.

Lorelai

Poodle is another funny word.

Emily

Please drink your drink, Lorelai.

Lorelai

In fact, if you put oy and poodle together in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase, you know? Like, oy with the poodles already. So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catch phrase.

Rory

Oy with the poodles already.

Lorelai

I'm telling you, it's knocking ‘whatcha talking ‘bout, Willis?' right out of first place.

Emily

Lorelai, for God's sake, be quiet.