George Lopez quotes from George Lopez

Angie

[to Max] You remember the song Sammy the Skater sang? [sings] "You can still be rad with a helmet and some elbow pads."

George

Órale, Angie. You know what other song Sammy the Skater sang? [sings in the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel"] "Shut up, shut up. You're making it worse. Now meet me in the kitchen."

Winnie

[about her daughter] Do you know why I call her Lil' Bit? Cuz she's just my little bit of heaven.

[to Angie] Nice to meet you, ma'am.

George

(to Carmen and Max) You hear that? She calls your mother "ma'am" and not just cause she's old, but out of respect too.

George

Our kids didn't get in this alone. Somebody gave my son a hickey and somebody gave my 15-year-old daughter beer.

Carmen

You can get it anywhere around here, Dad. Everybody drinks and nobody cards you.

Winnie

I'll have you know my oldest son has never had alcohol.

Carmen

Pot head!

Winnie

So that's where the ice cream is going.

Carmen

I'm gonna distract Jason with my body and destroy him with my mind.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I've distracted with my body. Hell, I've destroyed with my body. I remember one time when I distracted one guy while I destroyed the other.

George

I remember that day. You forgot to put a sock on the front door and I walked in on you. That was not a good Mother's Day for me.

Jason

I haven't even brought it up.

George

Don't lie to me.

Jason

I'm not. I swear.

George

Then why did she ask us for birth control pills?

Jason

[in an excited tone] Really, she asked for birth control? No way! [George gives him a look] No way you should allow her to have those. No.

George

So this wasn't your idea?

Jason

Look, Mr. Lopez. I'm walking on eggshells with Carmen as it is, all right? I would never do anything to pressure her. I'm just glad she took me back.

George

Damn! So it was her idea. All this time, I've been worried about boys pressuring her. I even told her all the tricks that guys would use to get her in bed. Oh, my God, I gave her a playbook! No matter what she says, nobody likes to just lie there naked and hug.

George

Mom, are you pregnant?

Screw you! The one day I go without my control tops and I got to hear lip from my kid!

George

[to Carmen when Max complains about his braces] You're just jealous we fixed his problem, but we can't fix the problem with your legs.

Carmen

What's wrong with my legs?

George

Nothing if they come with coleslaw and biscuits, chicken legs!

Kids learn how to deal with pain from watching their parents. Do either of you overreact to the slightest discomfort?

George

Hey, I know pain. I had to deal with being abandoned by my father and not being abandoned by my mother.

Linda

[to George] What are my real mother and father like?

George

Well, our father's easy. He ran out on Mom before you were born. I didn't know him, but I tracked him down last year. I punched him in the face, he asked me for a kidney and he died.

Linda

And my mother?

George

Oh, yeah. She's kind of hard to describe in just a few words. She's a short, bitter, drunk. Actually, that covers it.

You big babies. It was just an aftershock. [several plates almost fall on her] What the hell? [another plate falls next to her]

George

What's with the plates? Come on, God, quit teasing me! Tip over the fridge! Take her out!

Angie

Well, what kind of parents just leave their kid and then go off to live in another country? That can't be legal.

George

No, it's not. It's called abandonment. At least that's what the cops said they dragged my mom back from Tijuana and made her untie me from the lemon tree.

George

Where's Carmen?

Angie

At the library.

George

Oh yeah? How do you know she didn't sneak over to Jason's house?

Angie

Because she sent me a picture of her from the library on her cell phone. (hands cell phone to George)

George

Man, I wish they had these when I was a kid. Mom I woulda sent a picture to Social Services of you hitting me.

Come on, if you couldn't hold on to your sippy cup when I smacked you, what makes you think you could've held onto a phone?

Angie

Hello?.....Carmen, slow down, what happened? Okay, we're on our way. (hangs up phone)

George

What is it?

Angie

Carmen and Jason just got arrested.

George

What?! I thought you said she was at the library!

Angie

She lied to us. There was a party at Jason's house and somebody brought drugs.

George

Lemme see the camera phone.

Hey, what's that for?

George

I'm gonna show her what a hard life of partying does, show me your ankles.

Get out, get out. (angrily chases them out of the house)

George

Drugs, Carmen?!

Carmen

Dad, I can explain. I didn't do any drugs.

George

Let me guess, you were at the party and the drugs just happened to show up.

Carmen

Yes!

George

Is that you talking or the monkey on your back? How many colors do you see, huh junkie?

Angie

George, stop it. STOP IT. (pulls Carmen aside) Carmen, what really happened?

Carmen

Well, some guys from another school came and crashed the party, and started smoking pot and then the cops came and nobody would admit the drugs were theirs so they brought us all in for questioning.

George

Oh, honey, why didn't you just say so? Now I believe you.

George

Hurts, doesn't it, junkie?!

Angie

George!

George

Angie, her pupils are huge!

Angie

They're dark brown, that's the way they always look.

George

Really? They're not green?

Carmen

What's gonna happen to Jason?

Well if there's nobody to release him to, he'll probably end up in a group home.

Carmen

(turns to George, worried) Dad, a group home!

George

Oh c'mon Carmen, that sounds like fun! Bunk beds, sing-a-longs. [sings] Drive-bys are bad! Come on, making a quilt with the names of your fallen homies. "Gimme a sequin so I can put a teardrop on Spider."