George Lopez quotes from George Lopez

George

Carmen, there's no easy way to say this. Your boyfriend's in the closet.

Carmen

Oh my god.

George

Look, I know, I don't like it either. But just because Noah's gay... [Zack is shocked and hides back in the closet] Okay... It has nothing to do with you. Okay, this doesn't mean that you're ugly or stupid. He was just using you to hide something that he doesn't know how to deal with.

Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, is Carmen ready?

Angie

She just left.

George

You know, Noah, I went to see A Walk in the Tuscan Meadow last night. Saw the whole thing.

Didn't you love the ending when the cheesemaker comes home from war, but he can't make cheese anymore because he lost his arms? But then his son shows up and says, "Papa, I'll be your hands."

George

Yeah, that was really moving, but I meant the gay horseplay.

What?

Angie

Mr. Lopez saw you... Being very friendly with another boy.

George

Okay, we talked to Carmen, and it's all out in the open, okay? So nobody has to sneak around anymore.

Well, thank god, 'cause I thought you'd be mad at Carmen.

Angie

Why would we be mad at her? She can't help who she falls for.

Because she was sure you guys would freak if you knew she was seeing Zack.

Angie

Zack?

George

Zack Powers?

Um, actually...

George

Wait, wait, wait, wait! She was seeing Zack Powers behind our back, and you were her cover?

Look, I'm really sorry about this. I mean, you guys are so nice to me and your mother, I really enjoyed meeting your mother, she was--

George

[interrupting] Enough of your lies! Out! I enjoyed meeting your mother, Ta Loca. I enjoyed meeting your mother.

Carmen

I don't believe you!

Showtime, monkeys!

Carmen

You can't threaten my boyfriend!

George

The fake, gay, cover boyfriend, or the boyfriend you've been seeing behind our backs for a month?

Carmen

You read my diary?! I hate you!

George

I know! It's written on every page in here. [reads the diary] "I hate Dad! God, I hate Dad!" "Hey, old lady! Hang up the miniskirt! You're not 15 anymore!" [to Angie] Oh, that one's about you.

Carmen

You had no right to read this.

Angie

You've lost all your rights by lying to us, and if we have to look in your diary to find the truth about Zack, we'll do it.

Carmen

Oh, you wanna know the truth?! Well, here it is! I'm dating Zack because I love him and he loves me too!

Angie

Carmen, he doesn't love you. He's just using you.

George

Look, he told me he was gonna dump you as soon as he gets you into bed. Wake up!

Carmen

You're lying! You hate him so much, you'd say anything to keep us apart!

George

Yeah? Did I make up that he vandalized the factory? That he got a girl pregnant?

Angie

He didn't respect the girl enough to be safe.

Carmen

No, no, no. You guys don't understand Zack. His dad was never there for him, and his mom's a bitter, old drunk. You have no idea what that's like.

George

[to Benny] You wanna field that one? [to Carmen] Okay, you know what? End of discussion. Okay, we did not raise you this far so you can screw up your life with Zack, so there is no way in hell that you are ever gonna see him again!

Carmen

You can't stop me, 'cause I'm almost 16. I'm almost a woman. I can do whatever I want.

George

Not as long as you live in this house. Okay, if you don't like it here, go live somewhere else.

Angie

George, please calm down.

George

Look, I'm not gonna calm down, Angie! I'm tired of her disrespecting us! [to Carmen] Go see what it's like out there! Send us a postcard!

Angie

George!

George

And don't expect me to come looking for you!

Carmen

I wish you weren't my dad.

George

[to Carmen] You're not going out tonight.

Carmen

I get it, it's too soon. I'll just go to bed, but I want you to know things aren't the same. I partied with Chingy and I shared a sandwich with a homeless guy. I've done it all. So no more curfews, no more rules, I'm an adult and tomorrow night, I'm going out.

George

[to Angie] She's right. Things aren't the same. They're worse.

George

[to Carmen] You were in hotel rooms. Don't think I'm going to believe nothing happened.

Carmen

Nothing did happen! You want to take me to a doctor and get me tested? I'm still a virgin.

George

We'll go to the doctor. It's 9:00 at night, We'll go to the emergency room.

Carmen

Dad, I didn't do anything!

George

Don't lie to me!

Carmen

I didn't! You raised me better that that!

George

No, I didn't. I was never there, I was always busy, I was too hard on you.

Carmen

Yeah, you were. And every time Zack tried to get me to do something with him, I heard you tell me, "Don't do anything you'd be embarrassed to tell me or your mother about."

George

Carmen, get your stuff. I'm taking you home.

Carmen

No. No, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying with my friends.

George

Friends? How do you even know all these people?

Carmen

Well, Zack broke up with me in a club and I was crying in the bathroom and one of Chingy's dancers was there to cheer me up, so we just started hanging.

George

Who's Chingy? [everyone in the room looks at George weirdly]

Carmen

Who's Chingy?! I can't believe you. His videos are on all the time. "Balla Baby"? "Holidae Inn"?

Vic

Hey, George ,you find Carmen yet? Hey, what's Chingy doing here?

George

[to Carmen] All right. What the hell happened out there?

Angie

Now is not the time, George.

Carmen

It's none of your business anyway.

George

Everything you do is my business.

Carmen

You have issues.

George

You're damn right I have issues. Look, I tried to give you everything I never had and you run away from it.

Carmen

Oh, yeah. I have everything. I have a father and a mother who treat me like a baby and control everything I do.

George

Carmen, you're lucky you have parents who care. Look, I didn't have a dad and I prayed that my mom would come home at 6:00 so I could see her before bedtime. If I was lucky, she came home drunk with the spins, so she'd have to hold on to me! That was my hug!

Angie

George! Remember the literature? She's home safe and sound. We should be happy now.

George

Look, Angie, don't try to pretend like everything's alright. Okay, it wasn't alright when last night you were crying.

Carmen

Maybe you should've thought of that when you told me to leave.

Angie

Stop it! We all need to give each other time to accept... [reaches for her brochure in her back pocket, reads it, then puts it back]... to accept the reunification process.

Max

[to George] If you can't afford to buy Mom the ring, why don't you just tell her the truth?

George

Max, someday you'll meet a woman and you will disappoint her. You'll lie and you'll feel bad, and that's how you know it's love. Now say goodbye to your bike and go do your homework.

George

Hey, Vic.

Vic

Ah.

George

Hold up. [goes into the garage and gets a putter] Hey, man, I know you're having trouble with your game. How would you like my lucky putter?

Vic

I can't just take your lucky putter, George, come on.

George

You're right, give me $1,000.

Vic

$1,000? What's going on? Money problems again?

George

Angie picked out this ring I can't afford, and she thinks I'm gonna get it for her.

Vic

George, George. A ring means nothing. I gave my wife a three-carat stone. But that didn't stop her from cheating on me. She even threw the ring at me during counseling when I called her a mattress-hopping whore frog. In Spanish, that is devastating.

George

You know, it's horrible when a marriage falls apart. Hey, did you keep that ring?

Vic

Yeah. I'm gonna use it to scratch "fornicator" on her coffin. So the devil knows which line to put her in.

George

Look, Vic, that ring obviously has a lot of bad memories for you, but if you gave it to me, and I give it to Angie, that would make your daughter happy. That would make a good memory.

Vic

But, she would know it's her mother's ring?

George

No, no, she won't. I'll take the stone-- I'll put it in a new setting.

Vic

Ah.

George

Hey, hey, hey. When we got married, we couldn't afford a decent wedding, and you didn't help us. This would make up for that 100 times over.

Vic

Okay, George. Because it will make my daughter happy, I will give you the ring.

George

Oh, man. Thanks, Vic. This means a lot to me.

Vic

And I will take the putter, your table saw, and your power drill.

George

[sits down] Deal.

Vic

I'm not finished. [taps George's left shoe with the putter] What size shoe are you?

Vic

Change of plans, don't give her the ring.

George

What? I just gave it to her. What do you think this was about, that shirt?

Vic

You got me this for Christmas.

George

Hey. [does a thumbs up] What's going on?

Vic

Well, last night, I did something very stupid. I went to Happy Hour at Baja Beach, and you know, they got those giant margaritas.

George

Get to the point.

Vic

Well, I was drunk. So I called Angie's mother and told her I gave her diamond to a younger woman.

George

What?!

Vic

Oh, the whole bar cheered for me, man. [does a crazy dance and chanting] Whore frog! Whore frog! Whore frog!

George

Vic!

Vic

Sorry, George. Legally, the ring is hers from the settlement that she demanded it back.

George

Oh, man, the ring is Angie's now. Tell Emilina you lost it, tha-tha-tha-that someone stole it.

Vic

Hey. If I don't give that ring back to Emilina, I would have to pay her $30,000.

George

Good. You stay calm, you came up with the solution. Nice work, Vic.

Vic

George. I have no choice. If you don't tell her, I will have to.

Angie

[to George] You saw me in my dress before I hid, didn't you? That's when the bad luck started!

George

Sure, Angie. I ruined our string of bad luck with our dyslexic son, our runaway daughter and my mother who shows no sign of aging or disease whatsoever [Benny walks by coughing] A window just opened!

Angie

[about homeschooling Carmen] Well, George, I do have time now because I'm not working.

George

But homeschooling, Angie, that's a big commitment. Remember that special moment every morning when Carmen finally leaves for school and you say, "Thank god she's gone!"? You won't have that anymore!

George

[to Angie] You know what you always say to me when I'm down? A door may have closed, but a window just opened.

Angie

Am I really that annoying?

George

Let's not go there while you're down.

(in the Munsters' sketch, listening to George's heart) Your heart is as healthy as a horse's.

George

(as Herman) It should be. It won the Kentucky Derby.

Angie

[to Max] I know middle school can be tough, but remember bullies are just friends who don't realize how special you are.

George

What kind of crap are you teaching him?! No wonder kids of all races are coming together to beat up Max!