George Lopez quotes from George Lopez

Carmen

(to the police officer) Excuse me, when is Jason McNamara gonna be released?

He's not. He's a minor and his parents are out of the country. We have no one to release him to.

Carmen

Jason can't spend the night in jail!

George

I spent the night in jail once and nothing happened to me.

Carmen

It's not the same, Dad, Jason's pretty!

Carmen

Things are pretty good right now.

No, they're not. You're Mexican. You're in pain. Your people have been raped and pillaged by the conquistadores. I am so jealous.

George

What are you talking about? She was born in Burbank. She's got her own car and a closet full of clothes. You want to see a Mexican suffering, come back when I have to pay her cell phone bill.

[to Carmen] You're just going to wait on them like that? You know they're only asking you because you're a girl. That's so sexist.

George

You know what's funny, Kenzie? I ask Carmen something and sound comes out of your mouth.

It is so sad. So much head and so little in it. I can hear it rattle.

George

I never pushed Carmen.

George, you can't win. If you push kids and they fail, then it's your fault. And if you push kids and they succeed... actually, I don't know what that's like.

Vic

[to Angie about Spencer Vogel] I paid him $10,000 to break it off with you and never see you again.

Angie

You paid him to get out of my life? How dare you!

George

Yeah, how dare you! Hey, man, you hated my guts and you never offered me a dime.

George

Angie, there's something you need to know about your dad. Linda, he kissed our mommy. And I'm not talking about a peck on the cheek. I'm talking full-on mustache to mustache!

Linda

What?!

Angie

Daddy?

No, it was Ernie.

Ernie

Hey, hey. I only told because it wasn't fair, all right? The only reason George let him go out with Linda is because Vic paid him two thousand dollars!

George

Dude!

Angie

What?!

Linda

You pimped me out for two thousand dollars?!

George

Why you gotta say it like that, negative?

Vic

[to George] I want to date your sister and I'm going to.

George

No, you're not because I forbid it!

Vic

Forbid?! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You do not use that word on Victor Garcia Lantigua Palmero. Castro forbid me from leaving the island, but I did it! My parents forbid me from marrying Emilina, but I did it! The president of my condo association forbid me from having pets, but I feed stray cats every night! I do what I want!

George

When you grow up without love, you'll do anything for it. When I was a kid, I considered lighting myself on fire so my mom would wrap me in a blanket and hug me.

Carmen

That's awful. You and Mom love me unconditionally, right?

George

We won't know until you're on fire.

George

Wish me luck. I'm off to broker my first deal as an agent.

Angie

What's in the briefcase?

George

Breath mints and a little black comb.

Angie

(to Benny): Benny...Your house caught on fire.

What?

George

We thought you were dead, Mom, Your house burnt down!

That's not funny!

George

We're not kidding! The fireman said it started in the bedroom. Did you leave a cigarette burning?

No! I'm not an idiot! I put the cigarette out on the ashtray and I dumped the ashtray in the trash can!

George

The trash can by the drapes?

...Dammit! (Turns to Angie) "Happy Mother's Day, Benny. Hope you enjoy these FLAMMABLE DRAPES!"

Carmen

Fine, then I'll just get pregnant and move to Georgia (breaks into a Southern accent) 'cuz I don't need y'all's consent to get married there.

George

(about Carmen) Angie, tell me you had an affair with Garth Brooks and that she's not mine!

Ernie

(first letter) You had it coming. (second letter) You deserve it. (third letter) What the hell does God have to do to finish you off. (fourth letter) I hope you get another house...

Angie

That's not bad.

George

Who signed that? I want to send them a Christmas card.

Ernie

Actually the whole neighborhood signed it, like a petition. Whatcha!

George

I'm glad you aren't going to work anymore. I don't need any of my coworkers knowing I got chased by a dog.

Well, that ends tomorrow, because I'm going to tell everyone at work about how my little girl, was running out of the house because she was being chased by a teacup poodle!

George

That thing's a hundred pound killer!

Not in my story.

George

I can't believe the only reason you wouldn't let me drive when I was a kid was because you were afraid of me getting hurt. Is that why you wouldn't let me play football?

George, for a helmet to fit your head... they would have had to take out the padding. Now, at the time, I was already growing vegetables in the garden; I didn't want one walking around my house.

George

Where's my work?

Don't you remember my rules?

George

What rules?

I only tell you once to clear the table. If you don't, you're asking me to throw out your stuff.

George

You threw out my work?!

Yep. Maybe next time, you'll remember my rules.

George

Hey. This is my house. I make the rules.

Oh sure you do.

George

Mom stand still, we're talking about this.

Talk all you want, I will pretend to listen.

George

Mom don't ignore me.

[looking through refrigerator] let's see. What goes good with chicken? I don't know.

George, what the hell are you?! George!

George

[yelling] You're gonna stand there and you're gonna listen to me! Stop treating me like a kid! Stop calling me names! I'm a grown man, and if I want to, I can leave my papers anywhere! And I pay the bills around here, so if I want to leave the lights on, I can! [starts turning on kitchen appliances] And the mixer, and the toaster, and the blender, and the food processor, and the microwave! And you know why?! I can afford it all, because I'm not a failure, I'm a big success!

George

I'm a big, big success!

Angie

George?

George

(to Angie) I'm glad you're home. Do you know your father has a drug problem?