How did I get so messed up? Guess it goes back to my mom. On my fifth birthday, she gave me my own set of vacuum cleaner attachments. She used to call me her special helper. Oh, my God. That's exactly what I'm doing to Michelle. She's probably gonna grow up and write one of those tell-all books, "Daddy Cleanest". I gotta make some changes in my life.
S5Trouble with Danny
S5Five's a Crowd
Jesse, what's your take on this Pete guy?
He's a good kid.
Good. D.J. just went out with him.
What? You let her go out with that animal?
You just said he was a good kid.
He's in a band. All he thinks about is girls. He's exactly like I was when I was seventeen.
Oh, my God.
D.J., you can't keep giving us the silent treatment.
Okay, you wanna talk? Fine. I am totally humiliated! When this gets out at school, I'll never be asked out again! But that's what you wanted, isn't it? [storms upstairs]
I think we were doing better with the silent treatment.
S5Girls Will Be Boys
Let's play superhero.
I'll be Batman!
I'll be Superman!
I'll be the Little Mermaid.
That's not a superhero. That's a fish.
How about if Michelle is Wonder Woman?
That's impossible. She doesn't have black hair.
What was I thinking?
You can be Superman's mother.
What does Superman's mother do?
She lays out Superman's pajamas.
[to Michelle] You are one terrific person. You're funny, you're sweet, you're kind...
Keep going.
I could go on for hours.
You always do!
S5Captain Video (1)
[Mike Love and Bruce Johnston of The Beach Boys visit; Jesse enters with his hair wrapped in cellophane for dying]
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, the Beach Boys!
MMike
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, Miss Clairol!
Dr. Love, how ya doin'? Bruce, how ya doin'? Heh heh, I've got my hair in a... heh heh, heh heh... (aside to Becky, annoyed) Thanks for the warning.
Well, how was I supposed to know you'd be dyeing your hair. Why are you dyeing your hair?
Because I'm worth it.
S5Captain Video (2)
Please, Deej. I can't conjugate any more Spanish. It's after midnight. Can't we go to sleep?
En Espanol.
El sleepo, beggo, pleaso.
Oh, Steph, you can't hang out in here. Uncle Jesse's gonna get his first dance lesson.
I know. I got a front row seat.
S6 E1Come Fly With Me
FAFlight Attendant
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 40, we should be arriving at our destination... Auckland, New Zealand, in 14 hours.
Auckland, New Zealand?
14 hours?
SMStephanie & Michelle
Aaah!!
S6 E2The Long Goodbye
KMrs. Knotts
Michelle, very good printing, but is there something missing from your I's?
I save the dots for last.
KMrs. Knotts
I do too.
Teddy, wanna dot my I's?
Oooh! That's my favorite thing!
KMrs. Knotts
Boys and girls if you thought dotting I's was fun, you're gonna love, crossing T's.
DDenise
Excuse me.
KMrs. Knotts
Everyone, say hello to Denise.
KKids
Hello, Denise.
KMrs. Knotts
She's joining us from Mrs. Harris's class. (To Denise) Denise, why don't you take that empty seat there next to Michelle?
DDenise
Hi, Michelle.
Hi.
DDenise
Do you wanna trade lunches?
No thank you.
DDenise
I've got a bologna sandwich.
I have tuna. I don't think that goes with bologna.
DDenise
I've got potato chips.
What kind?
DDenise
Sour cream and onion.
Really?
DDenise
Sure. Why would I lie about potato chips?
Sour cream and onion is my favorite.
DDenise
Me too.
The taste stays on the tongue for a really long time.
DDenise
Yeah. Sometimes when my mommy kisses me, she says, "Eww! What have you been eating?!"
KMrs. Knotts
Shh.
DMDenise & Michelle
Shh.
I'm making T's wanna cross mine?
DDenise
Cool.
S6 E10I'm Not D.J.
Stephanie, your ears are infected.
Michelle. Ow. You promised you wouldn't tell.
I promise I wouldn't tell Dad. Does this look like Dad?
Stephanie, did you pierce them at the mall after Dad told you no?
Of course not. I'm not that stupid.
She let Kimmy do it.
What?! You let Kimmy punch a hole in your body? Why don't you just fall into a rusty nail? Stephanie, you have to tell Dad. He needs to take you to a doctor.
Oh no!
That's okay. If you don't yell, you get a lollipop. If you yell a lot, you get two.
S6 E12A Very Tanner Christmas
[Rebecca watches as her husband sprays the windows on the back door with snow-like spray paint]
Jesse, this is not snow. This is gunk from a can.
[attempts to get mistletoe kisses] Come on, don't be shy.
[Comet enters and licks her]
Miles, you animal!
S6 E17Silence Is Not Golden
CCharles
Who's room is this? [mockingly] The rainbow brights'? Hmm?
Let's just do the assignment. [opens her binder] Okay, what did you do that was nice?
CCharles
Well I, I didn't put bubble gum in anyone's chair.
[sarcastically] What a prince.
Oh, Stephanie.
CCharles
Oh look. It's half a person.
You got a bad attitude.
What is it Michelle? We're studying.
You're in big trouble with Dad. Big big big big big big big big...
Okay! Okay, I get it. What'd I do?
You forgot to take the garbage out again.
Uh oh.
Dad said he'll deal with you later. Just thought you'd like to know.
CCharles
Well I guess you're really in for it now, huh?
Yeah. That's twice this week. My dad's gonna flip out on me.
CCharles
Well, you know what helps? Try thinking of a funny movie like, like Home Alone or Roger Rabbit. That's what I always do when I'm getting it.
Getting what?
CCharles
Well, you know, when your dad's pounding you.
You mean hitting? [Charles nods] My dad never hits me. Does yours hit you?
CCharles
No. Just, just, just forget it. Let, let's do the assignment.
But you said you always think of a funny movie. Do you get hit a lot?
CCharles
Look, I didn't mean anything by it. Just forget it! Okay? Let's do the assignment.
Charles, you can trust me, I swear!
CCharles
No, I don't care if you swear on your mother's life!
My mother is not alive.
CCharles
Oh. I'm sorry. Mine's not alive either.
I'm sorry.
CCharles
Look, the thing is, my dad does hit me sometimes. But it's my own fault for ticking him off. Boy did he really clock me last week.
You mean when you came to school with that black eye and you said you walked into a door?
CCharles
Yeah. A door named Dad.
Maybe you should tell someone.
CCharles
No. No! I, I can't tell anyone, and neither can you. What time is it?
[looks at her watch] 5:30.
CCharles
I forgot to phone my dad and tell him I was gonna be late. He's gonna kill me! [packs his binder up] Gotta go, I gotta go!
But Charles!
CCharles
Steph, you gotta swear to me. You can't tell anyone as long as you live, ever. You got it okay?
Okay. I swear. [Charles runs out of the room]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Full House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.