Jesse Katsopolis quotes from Full House

Jesse

(Seeing how small his closet is) Oh, great. I'm living in Webster's room.

Jesse

Danny, this kid has been walking for three days and you haven’t stopped taping. I’ll feel sorry for her when she starts potty training.

Jesse

[on the phone with Michelle’s doctor]: Of course I know how to take her temperature. You simply put the thermometer under her ... [pause] Where? Joey, it’s for you.

Jesse

Now, I bet you're gettin' tired of all that strained baby food, now, I've got you a corned beef sandwich with a big fat kosher pickle, now what do you want on the side, potato salad or coleslaw? Just the pickle, okay? It's still warm.

Jesse

Joseph and I must deal with your misconduct, young lady! [pause] “Misconduct”? “Young lady”? I really am turning into my father. If I start wearing a white belt and shoes to match, throw me down the stairs.

Jesse

Joseph, you've been in toon-town for 2 days. Now, start acting like a human being.

Jesse

(about the baby they're watching) You see cute, I see smelly diapers.

Jesse

Now I know why disco died.

Jesse

[about Carrie] Joseph, you should've seen her. She had the most incredible hypnotic eyes, the face of an angel, the most amazing body.

Jesse

[as he gets stuck in a tree after skydiving] Help! Help! Becky, I'm coming! Don't marry Joey!!

Jesse

[to Nicky and Alex] You're gonna have the perfect lives, because I'm gonna be the perfect dad. I mean, my dad was great and all, but he made a few mistakes. Like, he always used to bug me about my long hair. But let me tell you something, that's not gonna happen to you guys. You know why? Because you're bald.

Jesse

It's just a car....uhhh [gets upset]

Stephanie

Okay. Once upon a time, there was a pretty girl named Cinderella. Daddy.

Danny

And, uh, Cinderella wanted to go to this big fancy ball. And on the way, she wandered into this cabin... and she fell asleep in Papa Bear's bed.

Stephanie

I don't think so.

Danny

No, wait, honey. It gets better. So... she's on the bed, she's out like a light when all of a sudden...

Stephanie

(makes a time's-up buzzer sound) Joey.

Joey

Um... when Cinderella woke up, she was real thirsty... so she went to 7-Eleven for a Slurpee, where she ran into Bullwinkle. So Bullwinkle says, "Hello, Cinderella. Would you like to come to the ball with me? Not only am I a great dancer, but you can hang your coat on my antlers." Kids love this stuff. So...

D.J.

(she makes a buzzer sound) Uncle Jesse!

Jesse

So Cinderella, Bullwinkle. They get married, right? The go on The Newlywed Game, and they win a grand prize selected especially for them. Good night.

Stephanie

(buzzer sound again) Daddy.

Danny

Until... the Big Bad Wolf came over. And he said, "Open up... or I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down. And I can do it too, because as we all know... wolves have an amazing lung capacity."

Stephanie

(buzzer sound) Joey!

Joey

So--

D.J.

(buzzer sound) Uncle Jesse!

Jesse

So the wolf, the moose, the babe... They all fell in love, right? They moved to Sweden, where the people are a lot more cool about that sort of thing... and that's the end of the story. Goodnight and goodbye.

D.J.

No monsters, no witches... but that story was very scary.

(as they pass by) Hi, Uncle Jesse.

Jesse

Goodnight, girls. (now realizing what they're up to) Girls. (as he runs after them) You're supposed to be in bed. Girls! Whoa, whoa, whoa! (as they take ice cream out of the freezer) Girls, girls! Aren't you supposed to be in bed, dreaming about Tweety Bird, or Big Bird, or Larry Bird or somethin'?

D.J.

Uncle Jesse, if we get hungry, Dad always makes sure we have a late-night snack.

Stephanie

We're gonna have ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk.

D.J.

And cookies.

Jesse

Freeze, chick. Alright. I know. I'm pretty hip, here. You guys think I'm a-I'm an idiot or something? (the girls look at each other and Stephanie makes a funny faces and shrugs) Let me tell you something. I know what's going on here. Your dad's gone, and it's "Let's take advantage of the babysitter" time. Well, I got news for you, girls. Your Uncle Jesse's a little too sharp to be taken on that kinda ride. Now you can have ice cream and chocolate milk, no cookies.

Stephanie

Yay!

D.J.

(covers Stephanie's mouth) Okay.

Jesse

Alright, girls. Listen here, now. It's almost midnight. You guys listen to two, three songs max. You eat your pie, then straight to bed, no nonsense.

Stephanie

Boy are you strict!