D.J. Tanner quotes from Full House

D.J.

Rule #1, you never touch my stuff. You should be taking notes. Rule #2, you never set foot on my half of the room.

Stephanie

How do I get outta here?

D.J.

Easy, you jump out the window and climb down the tree.

Stephanie

I don't think so.

D.J.

Suit yourself.

Stephanie

I'll find a way out.

Stephanie

Okay. Once upon a time, there was a pretty girl named Cinderella. Daddy.

Danny

And, uh, Cinderella wanted to go to this big fancy ball. And on the way, she wandered into this cabin... and she fell asleep in Papa Bear's bed.

Stephanie

I don't think so.

Danny

No, wait, honey. It gets better. So... she's on the bed, she's out like a light when all of a sudden...

Stephanie

(makes a time's-up buzzer sound) Joey.

Joey

Um... when Cinderella woke up, she was real thirsty... so she went to 7-Eleven for a Slurpee, where she ran into Bullwinkle. So Bullwinkle says, "Hello, Cinderella. Would you like to come to the ball with me? Not only am I a great dancer, but you can hang your coat on my antlers." Kids love this stuff. So...

D.J.

(she makes a buzzer sound) Uncle Jesse!

Jesse

So Cinderella, Bullwinkle. They get married, right? The go on The Newlywed Game, and they win a grand prize selected especially for them. Good night.

Stephanie

(buzzer sound again) Daddy.

Danny

Until... the Big Bad Wolf came over. And he said, "Open up... or I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down. And I can do it too, because as we all know... wolves have an amazing lung capacity."

Stephanie

(buzzer sound) Joey!

Joey

So--

D.J.

(buzzer sound) Uncle Jesse!

Jesse

So the wolf, the moose, the babe... They all fell in love, right? They moved to Sweden, where the people are a lot more cool about that sort of thing... and that's the end of the story. Goodnight and goodbye.

D.J.

No monsters, no witches... but that story was very scary.

(as they pass by) Hi, Uncle Jesse.

Jesse

Goodnight, girls. (now realizing what they're up to) Girls. (as he runs after them) You're supposed to be in bed. Girls! Whoa, whoa, whoa! (as they take ice cream out of the freezer) Girls, girls! Aren't you supposed to be in bed, dreaming about Tweety Bird, or Big Bird, or Larry Bird or somethin'?

D.J.

Uncle Jesse, if we get hungry, Dad always makes sure we have a late-night snack.

Stephanie

We're gonna have ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk.

D.J.

And cookies.

Jesse

Freeze, chick. Alright. I know. I'm pretty hip, here. You guys think I'm a-I'm an idiot or something? (the girls look at each other and Stephanie makes a funny faces and shrugs) Let me tell you something. I know what's going on here. Your dad's gone, and it's "Let's take advantage of the babysitter" time. Well, I got news for you, girls. Your Uncle Jesse's a little too sharp to be taken on that kinda ride. Now you can have ice cream and chocolate milk, no cookies.

Stephanie

Yay!

D.J.

(covers Stephanie's mouth) Okay.

D.J.

Two bowls of ice cream sure gives you a lot of pep, huh?

Stephanie

Does pep mean you can’t blink?

D.J.

That's pep. (hearing music from downstairs) Party time.

Danny

D.J., Stephanie, please come over here right now. Girls, we have a problem with Uncle Jesse.

D.J.

Oh, no, Dad, we didn't have any problems with Uncle Jesse at all.

Danny

I'm sorry. He was just so irresponsible. (looking under the table not realizing it's their fault) What is this? Uh-oh. Empty bowls and empty cartons. (sarcastically) Oh, now I see what happened. (not realizing that D.J. and Stephanie actually ate the ice cream sundaes and drank the chocolate milk) Uncle Jesse forced ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk down your throats -- and then he hid the evidence under your table. Oh, the sick fiend. He probably ignored you when you told him no sweets after bedtime, huh?

D.J.

Probably.

Danny

No "probably" about it, because otherwise, you'd be lying. And you know better than that, don't you?

Stephanie

Probably.

Danny

(still not realizing what D.J. and Stephanie did, but is still afraid they're fibbing) Well, that does it. I guess asking Uncle Jesse to move in here was a big mistake. In fact, this may be a matter for the police. Now, sweet dreams, my perfect little angels.

Stephanie

Daddy! We were bad.

D.J.

We did everything. We even ordered the pizza. We should go and apologize to Uncle Jesse.

Danny

You're right. You go first.

Stephanie

Okay, wanna listen to the pledge? I pledge allegiance to the flag of some states of America.

D.J.

Let me tuck you in, very tight.

Stephanie

And to the public which understands, with God, and Liberty... I'm dead meat!

D.J.

Oh dad, after Stephanie’s recital, can we hit the big sale at the Fashion Mart. Everything is half off.

Danny

Of course, that doesn’t save me any money, because you’ll just buy twice as much stuff, right?

D.J.

I like your attitude.

Stephanie

[reads her script] "I love Oat Boats, because Stephanie takes heaping spoonful of cereal. They taste great. She takes a bite."

D.J.

Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Rehearse.

Stephanie

[reads again] "I love Oat Boats, because Stephanie takes heaping spoon--"

Stephanie

Daddy, could we talk to you?

Danny

Sure. I thought we were going out for ice cream.

D.J.

We wanted to make sure we still liked it.

[after scoring the first touchdown] IN YO' FACE!!

Jesse

How did...? Where did you...? How'd - help me out here.

D.J.

I can explain.

Jesse

No, no, wait. Don't tell me. You're walking by the supermarket, and some kid had a litter of these in a cardboard box. (calls out) Joey!

Joey

Jess, I am trying to put the baby to-- Horse? How did you...? Where did you...? How did it--?

Jesse

My words exactly.

Joey

Oh, this is great. Danny's going to walk in here, see this horse and blame me for the whole thing. Do you know why? Because this is *very* funny.

D.J.

I'll tell you what, if you can keep this secret for two weeks, I'll let you own part of the horse.

Stephanie

Which part do I get?

D.J.

The tail.

Stephanie

My very own tail?

Jesse

What are you doing?

D.J.

The Locomotion.

Jesse

Where'd you get this tape?

D.J.

It was in there.

Jesse

Oh, no. [rewinds the tape] Please, tell me you didn't tape over my Casa de Pancakes jingle.

[on recording] Casa de Pancakes. OLE!

Jesse

I can't believe it! It's gone! You guys destroyed it! Now I'm gonna hafta do the whole thing over again.

DJ

Dad, you got to do something; listen to my report card. It's so unfair! A-A-A-A-A-A...

Joey

How dare they! This is an outrage!

DJ

Listen to my Spanish grade-D

Danny

A D in Spanish?

Joey

Que pasa?

DJ

Huh?

DJ

You have the brain of a paramecium.

Stephanie

If I have the brain of a paramecium, then you have the brain of just one mecium.

DJ

(to Jesse) There really is no way to beat her, is there?